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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to be my df carer?

19 replies

Totallybannanas · 20/08/2025 13:42

I've posted several times about my difficult dad. Since his terminal cancer diagnosis he has completely changed. He lives alone and hasn't coped well with his diagnosis. He was convinced he was going to die within weeks and due to rapid weight loss and complaints of pain etc I believed him especially as he has fast aggressive cancer. After a hospital admission I went sick to care for him, sorting all the admin, cooking meals and putting things in place such as carers with the hope to going back to work once he had picked himself up a bit and things were in place. But he never used the carers and learnt emotionally and physically on me. He then went to the hospice to manage symptoms, convinced again he was going to die soon so I put my whole life on hold. That wasn't the case and hospice advised for him to go into a nursing home, so the load could me taken off me and so he would feel less anxious being home alone especially overnight. He's been in the home a few weeks, then back in hospital and now back in the home. It was his choice because the nurses and us agreed he wouldn't cope mentally. Anyway, since he has been in the home he keeps telling me he wants to go home. He picks fault with everything, tells me they aren't managing his pain, the meals are awful etc. Expects me to visit daily. And texts every time there is an issue. It all came to a halt when he rang me saying he wants to go home and that I put him there so I need to get him out. I said he could go home but I wouldn't be his full time carer as need to go back to work and the reason he was in the home was because couldn't cope being alone. I then had threats he was going to slit his throat, that I had a choice and that he gave up his job to look after his mother (he did many years ago but had just separated from my mum so was living with his mother, he had no family, mortgage etc). I am not in a high flying job but I have a very good employer, good contract and pension. I told him I wouldn't be manipulated. Since then he has stopped texting and putting pressure on but when I visit he still makes me feel guilty. I have even took meals to home and do his laundry. I have one male sibling who also works, who can't take time off due to new job. He has a sister who is elderly. They can all see how demanding he is but only because they are visiting more. I've put up with this for nearly 4 mths. The worst is yet to come and if he wants me there at his bedside vigil how can I do everything and make it sustainable. I am angry and annoyed as I've done more then anyone, and because I'm a women I'm expected for give up everything again!

OP posts:
Original poster
Totallybannanas · 20/08/2025 13:46

Just to add, although I'm angry I still feel this horrible guilt that I can't fulfill his dying wishes which is to be home or go to a hospice. The hospice is a lottery here so not guaranteed. He was there nearly 3 weeks and struggled to get him out then.

OP posts:
Coconutter24 · 20/08/2025 14:02

Have you or your dad asked your brother to help?

haveyouopenedyourbowelstoday · 20/08/2025 14:07

Have you posted about this before?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/08/2025 14:09

Is there an option for him to go home with 24 hour care, @Totallybannanas? This is what happened for my MIL, when she was in her local hospice. She only had a few days or a week or two left to live, and was desperate to go home, so the hospice organised a live-in carer, as well as visits from a second carer four times a day (to help the first one with lifting etc) and the district nurse to manage her pain relief.

Dh and his brother visited as often as they could - we live in Scotland, but at that time, dh was doing two or three days a week in London, so stayed at his mum's house instead of a hotel.

It worked really well for her, and she was able to die in her own home, looking out at her garden, with dh pottering around at the other end of the room.

But the bottom line is that you are not being unreasonable at all, and your dad is asking FAR too much of you. Unless he can have carers at home, and you just visiting, not doing all the care, then it is just impossible, and he will have to stay where he is.

Idontjetwashthefucker · 20/08/2025 14:13

haveyouopenedyourbowelstoday · 20/08/2025 14:07

Have you posted about this before?

Really? It's literally the first line of the OP

GAJLY · 20/08/2025 14:21

You have to ignore his requests to go home. My grandmother had a stroke and couldn't do anything, she needed carers 24 hours a day. She hated the home she was in, and asked me to be her 24 hour live in carer. I asked her what I was supposed to do with my husband, 3.5 year old and newborn baby?! She said she'd give me some breaks?!!! Hilarious! Complete self preservation on her part!!! I just ignored her requests and visited her on Sundays. On her birthday we took her out for a meal, but she had to be back within 3 hours because she required a hoist and 2 carers for toileting. But did wear a nappy for the outing just in case. Don't let him manipulate you! Stand your ground. Remember he is safer in a home with staff.

Original poster
Totallybannanas · 20/08/2025 14:46

He isn't at that stage physically that he needs 24 hour care, but he has almost self sabotaged himself by not coping mentally and also getting us to do things he was capable of doing. He had carers coming in before, but they reduced it to one visit because he wasn't using him. His feel is being on his own, especially at night. He happily got me waiting on him hand and foot, cooking his meals and cleaning. Mentally he broke me, it was only when he went into the hospice I was able to step back a bit despite the constant texts telling me he was dying and needs to visit him because he was unwell. He was fine. This is why I'm struggling. The hospital and hospice all thing Psychologically he cannot cope and would probably end up taking too much pain relief as he is in addictive medication. If he were to go home, it would be me that would be doing everything! My brother would only visit once a week and that was to watch football or something.

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/08/2025 14:49

You do not have to set yourself on fire to keep your dad warm, @Totallybannanas. If he won’t accept carers and doesn’t need 24 hour carers, then he is utterly unreasonable to expect you to ruin your own health, well being and life to care for him.

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2025 14:51

Its been bumpy road op but he has backed off with the ringing and texting.

Set a schedule for visiting that wont drain you and stick to it. You dont need to be doing washing or taking food in.

Cyclistmumgrandma · 20/08/2025 14:56

It's early days for him in the home and will take a little getting used to. My father in law hated it at first but settled in and was OK with it in the end. The response is to keep saying "Yes, I know you don't like it and I'm sorry you have to be here but it is necessary." and just keep saying it.

DelphiniumBlue · 20/08/2025 15:05

He's being unfair to you. He might not like it the home, but he is safe there, he is looked after, and presumably you can talk to staff there about pain management.
He's probably scared and in pain, but you doing everything 24/7 isn't actually going to change any of that.
Your boss may have been helpful, but they are not going to pay you indefinitely to not work, and you don't want to risk losing your job.
Work out what you can do comfortably in line with your conscience, eg visit every other day after work, and make that clear. Liaise with your brother and aunt to see when they can visit, hopefully between you he can have a visit most days.

Monster6 · 20/08/2025 15:11

This is really hard op. I don’t have first hand experience but just wanted to show support. You’re trying to do the right thing, but I think some of your DFs behaviour is making it hard. He must be frustrated and frightened. It’s easy to take things out on the ones who are closest to us. 🥲 just to reiterate you are NOT unreasonable for not wanting to care for an elderly parent. You are not a nurse, and presumably you must work to make ends meet like the rest of us? Stand your ground. Care home, or carers for multiple visits. I have made peace with this approach when the time comes for my parents, as me nursing would lead to resentment.

MintM0rr0c0nT · 20/08/2025 15:17

You must be exhausted emotionally & physically

Your DF is in the best possible place, he is safe & cared for

I strongly suggest that you visit every other day or have atleast 2 days off together in a week.
Perhaps you can do a quick phone call on the days thar you do not visit
You need to give yourself some time off
What would happen if you lived miles away, you would not be able to visit daily.

Just because he wants daily visits, does not mean that you have to

Just say NO !

Do a hobby, relax, sleep, do something for yourself

MintM0rr0c0nT · 20/08/2025 15:19

FYI
Do not give up your job
Carers allowance is only approx £330 per month
Most people cannot live on this pitiful amount of money

Original poster
Totallybannanas · 20/08/2025 15:25

Thank you, although my children are older teenagers I have one who has mental health and was very close to his grandad. When I wasn't at home, I could feel his behaviour spiralling and drinking. He is Neuro divergent. So I feel I've not been home to support them and this is the first loss they will have suffered. They are also boys and need their mum! It's not easy running a male house hold. I felt guilty not being home, guilty not being in work and guilty for not visiting or dreading visits.

OP posts:
GreyPearlSatin · 20/08/2025 18:39

I then had threats he was going to slit his throat...

I would cut contact with him just for that. How dare he? He has a perfectly good solution and is instead guilt-tripping you into getting what he wants. What loving parent would do that to their own child?

Cracklingsilverwear · 20/08/2025 20:04

You work out what you can do - be that 2 visits a week for an hour hours or daily visits for 6 hours…

YOU set the terms based on what you can manage.

you tell the social worker exactly what you can commit to and you stick to it. They draw up a suitable care plan to be done by carers or by him being in a home / hospice etc.

do not let him guilt trip you into doing more than you can cope with.

set your boundaries and stick to them.

it sounds harsh - but you have to preserve your sanity and health and job .

if you want to be a 24/7 carer that is great - crack on - but don’t be forced into this role by guilt from anyone.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 21/08/2025 12:34

@Totallybannanas - you have nothing to feel guilty about! You are working yourself to a shadow looking after everyone else. You have every right to prioritise your children’s needs - and that means looking after yourself too, because you can’t pour from an empty jug. Your dad may not like the home he is in, but you know that he is safe and well cared-for. He is trying to guilt trip you, but you are doing the absolute best you can, I am 100% sure, so please ignore his unreasonable demands.

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