Need to turn my life around

[Helpplease1011]

I have had a really tough time. For background. Left a violent exdh, left a cult, my mum is on end of life care, coparent to many kids one with additional needs. Teen children that are tough at times to parent. I want to live. I really do after considering not doing this for a very long time I’m giving it a shot. I have somehow weeved a web around myself that has become tighter and tighter and I’m not there anymore. I’m just existing to work and service mostly ungrateful people and put up with abuse from my exdh whenever he wants to give me a kick.

so if anyone has been here how did you change your life and start getting joy and purpose back? I’m at the stage where I think I need to have some kind of joy calendar to remind me that I have to do things for myself. Is such a thing around ? Has anyone done this and turned their life around. Please be kind I’m pretty vulnerable right now and genuinely could do with some friends to help me. I lost them all when I left the cult. I know I could join clubs to meet people but I don’t have the time to invest regularly and I fear I would let people down.

Any books or inspirational stories would be appreciated. Or in fact any guidance at all. Thank you

Maybe something like a wellness journal where you could keep track of your mood and what's improved it
https://www.papier.com/fairy-tale-30180?utm_source=google&utm_cid=16902713511&utm_aid=140848726452&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=16902713511&gclid=Cj0KCQjw5JXFBhCrARIsAL1ckPuNy6il6g9qEbVg1qN3F8WTd6pWJ0f69wrkteQnIzfZtb9E7Mme_7waAvpTEALw_wcB

Or there's an app called Happy App which might help or Better Help for therapy

Keep track of little things like having a nice coffee or a good sleep or the sun shining.

Join some meet up groups - meet up has lots of groups for different interests like a book club or a walking group

Be proud of how far you've come

Couldn’t read and run, although I’m not sure I have anything very useful to add. I’m really sorry you’ve had to deal with so much shit lately and I’m so sorry about your mum.

In terms of books, a wonderful MNer wrote a book to help guide others through high conflict parenting after divorce from an abusive partner. It was a few years back now, so I can’t remember the details, but along with building a tribe on here, it got me through some tough times feeling stronger and more capable. It was called I Am The Parent Who Stayed - Joyfully Parenting Alone by Nina Farr. She’s an absolute legend, and dealt with her own situation so admirably. Well worth a read, even if you need to adapt some of the advice for older teens. You’re going to be ok, there’s a good life on the other side of all this.

One step at a time

keep a list of achievements on your fridge

teens do grow up so some of it is patience - there are times in your life where existing to work is what happens but they do tend to pass and you do sound like the kind of person who will help that pass given what you have already done

perhaps we can work on one problem with you - how is your ex abusing you and how can you sidestep that ?

or one fun plan - a day at the beach ?

He is trying to turn the children against me by telling them that I don’t love them etc. He is also going for 50 50 custody (or threatening to take me to court for it). His only motivation is so that he can stop paying child maintenance. He is often angry towards the children and very negligent towards one child’s medical needs so I can’t allow increase in contact of 50 50. The children are caught in an abusive relationship where they won’t allow me to stop contact because they fear he will take his own life. They are old enough to decide to see him. He is frequently texting them so even when I manage to get them away and to have some space he contacts them again. All children have suffered by his behaviour but I can’t get them to break the bond. I’m trying to find a family lawyer to speak to to ask where I stand legally to protect them. I don’t want him taking control of them and I’m fearful of being taken to court and all of the costs involved. I will do it though. Lots of my time is taken up with clearing up his emotional damage to the children and I just don’t know how to stop it if they won’t agree to cut or reduce contact. I am scared of him and the consequences of actually successfully keeping the children away from him. I’m also scared that they will blame me if he does un alive himself as they frequently have sympathy for him. They view me as the strong one (I obviously keep my fears to myself). I am grey rocking and looking for legal help. It causes so much anxiety though. This has been going on for years and partly the reason I didn’t include this above is that I know I need to carve out some joy despite this ongoing. I need to keep it together to be a good mum. Thank you for listening

thank you I will take a look at that book

Thank you for your reply I will take a look at meet up. Maybe you are right that something like this could help

Another who couldn’t read and run but not sure I have helpful advice. You do sound strong and are dealing with a lot so I’m not surprised it feels tough. But things don’t stay the same. If you keep putting one foot in front of the other things will change and improve.

I like a previous poster’s suggestion to ask for help with one problem here. There are some very wise posters on mumsnet.

So you need to let him take you to court for 50 50 - don’t let him see that it bothers you

spend more effort reassuring the kids how much you love them. Try to avoid talking about their dad at all. Grey rock anything there

do keep a record and diary - “ they came back today and said dad said …” they came back today and dad had …” any evidence you can to show that he’s not a great dad

ignore his idle threats - “is that so?” But do record any made in front of the children.

I have started gathered evidence such as text messages from the children about his behaviour and some from the hospital about his negligence. I think somewhere in me is aware that this could all get very messy and I’m anxious. Grey rocking is the way I agree and I’m trying to keep a front up of calm stable mum to the children. I need to practice not being triggered by him as I’m in a very anxious state underneath (but the kids wouldn’t know ). The idea of court is frightening. I need to practice thinking that I must just let things happen and try to stay calm. Logically I know that but actually making my body stay calm is another matter. That’s why I thought other activities to decentralise this from my life might help. Thanks for the message

Yes thank you move one problem block at a time. I guess I will get there