To think most parents wouldn’t do this?

[Understta]

In 2020 I dated someone local for a few months. He met my family on a couple of occasions. We then broke up and since then I’ve had two children with someone else.

My parents went to a village fete on Friday and this person was there, with his girlfriend. My parents began chatting and then asked him for his number and suggested that my dad meet up with him for a pint at some point. AIBU to think this is inappropriate? I find it incredibly invasive, they didn’t know the circumstances of the break up but they know I ended it and that I have nothing to do with him, we are not friends. Or should I take the approach that they’re free to speak to who they want and if they want his number they can have it? I just don’t think the majority of people would do this?!

I'm sorry OP, this is something my parents would do as well and they also have a habit of interfering and micromanaging. This may be a way to pass on the message that they didn't agree with you breaking up with him or to find out more info on you behind your back. Or just to annoy you, just because they can and know that it will annoy you. I haven't shared anything really personal with my parents for years just to avoid 'feeding' them with info and they recently gave out my number to an ex-friend of mine (20 yrs ago!) just because they like meddling in my affairs and it allows them some weird power play that they can still be involved in my private life. I try not to make a big deal out of it as it would only give them the pleasure of seeing my frustration.

Reframing it, I'd think it odd that if my DPs lived in a small town with a man they'd otherwise get on with, they didn't extend an invite when they otherwise would just because I briefly dated him many years ago.

It really depends:

1. Asking him to go for a pint because he's your ex of a few months from many years ago - weird!
2. Asking him to go for a pint even though he's your ex of a few months from many years ago - fine.

But not if this is just the latest in a long line of odd stuff or the parents not being there for her as I think she’s describing.

Very odd and disappointing. I would never do this to my DD. Superficially polite is normal, not making plans to get together with an exBF or even friend of yours.

@GrumpyExpat I think this sums it up… I’m so disappointed. It has total disregard for me and how I may have felt about it (or him for that matter). I sensed they very much wanted to tell me they had the number and that was possibly the main reason for getting it. I can’t imagine they have huge amounts in common with my ex of a different generation to them who they barely know!

@thepariscrimefiles yes they met him a few times, may have been three times but two I can remember. There wasn’t a strong friendship between them or anything! I made it clear when it ended that I didn’t speak to him anymore. They have often overstepped the mark in various scenarios. Even contacted my friends directly in the past which I have absolutely hated.

I find that very weird.

In a small village then I could understand them remaining civilly friendly in passing if they see him frequently.

Actively looking to meet up with him years later after bumping into him is just odd

Unless it was a particularly bad relationship, I don’t see why your parents can’t be friends with someone just because you dated briefly.

Plenty of people date and don’t work out. It doesn’t mean anything in particular because not every couple is that perfect match. Unless the person turned out to be dangerous, there is no reason that others in the same social circle can’t have friendships or even romantic relationships going forward.

I have a parent like this. I now keep her segregated from the rest of my life

For me, why is someone of your dad’s generation wanting to go for a pint with someone of your generation. Strange!

Also, if ex only met your parents a couple of times, and it was five years ago, are you sure they remember it was your ex? Could it be that they were both chatting about cricket, for example, and the invite stemmed from there?

@Ponderingwindow i suppose this is what I’m struggling with… am I being the unreasonable one? It’s a small place and just because they are a different generation doesn’t necessarily mean they wouldn’t get on.

I think what bothers me is they met various people at this fete and didn’t get anyone else’s number. Why his?! He’s 40 and they’re both almost 70. It feels inappropriate and disrespectful to me and I just can’t shake that feeling.

@Silverbirchleaf they know it is him. They were desperate to tell me all about him and to let me know they’d got his number.

Are you still with the guy you have had the 2 kids with ? Do him and your dad ever go for a pint together?

i can top that @Understta!
my ex divorced his wife. his family hated her, i mean couldn’t find a good word to say about her. slagged her off for every aspect of her existence (i should have spotted the red flags!) she went on to marry someone else and have children. ex met me and we had children.
we went to parents in law for a planned visit (we lived 5 hours drive away) to find the ex wife, her new husband and their kids had literally just left the PIL’s house from a visit (they lived 7 hours drive away). we were running late so that was the only reason we weren’t in the same house at the same time. i could never really get to the bottom of how it all came about but suspect evil SIL was behind it.
ex now lives back with this first ex wife and her children from her second marriage. the divorce was all just a massive misunderstanding apparently and they are all one lovely big happy family who have never fallen out ever about anything. the 15 years of conflict between them all is conveniently forgotten. as is the fact that ex wife left him
for a woman which has been erased from the history books.
absolutely the most fucked up family dynamics i’ve ever seen (and i work in child protection!)

It's not the kind of thing I'd expect parents to do, no.

(I still remember my mum saying "I never liked him anyway" about a perfectly lovely lad whose only crime was not to fancy me back...)

Mind you, the last line of your first paragraph has decidedly TAB vibes so <shrug>

If he was local to your parents, they could've bumped into him regularly after the break up and possibly had a brief chat. He may use the same pubs your parents do?

It was such a long time ago and I assume he just didn't think you'd have an issue as you've both moved on. Having said that you've every right to feel the way you do.

By all means explain how you feel to your dad. You can tell him that the guy treated you badly, and it felt weird to you he wanted to be friends.

If there's something your parents don't know about this guy that makes him a person it's not appropriate to befriend, then you should probably tell them. Because they probably just see a nice acquaintance who dated their daughter for a short while, who your dad liked and wants to see socially now and again.

Why would they want to be friends with OP's ex? It's weird as fuck, and I'd be telling them that. I bet he felt wtf about it.

It’s not that weird. I know a few people who have stayed friends with their ex in laws. My ex and his wife came to my parents’ funerals.

For me, why is someone of your dad’s generation wanting to go for a pint with someone of your generation. Strange!

Are people only allowed to be friendly with people of their own generation? What's the maximum age difference that's permissible? Just so I know which of my friends I need to dump.

You can tell him that the guy treated you badly,

She hasn't said he did treat her badly.

Why would they want to be friends with OP's ex?

Why wouldn't they, if they enjoyed talking to him/found they had things in common?

The fact that op briefly dated him five years ago possibly didn't even cross their minds.

They have friends and always commenting how busy they are. They definitely don’t need more friends and they didn’t have some unstoppable connection with my ex. I’m hurt by it and it’s why I don’t tell them much about my life anymore. It’s just a bit sad isn’t it

Of course but actions have consequences. I got divorced, all reasonable, no aggro but my mother was meeting up with my exSIL, I knew the exSIL just wanted gossip because that was who she was and I told my mother that it was fine but she could only have a relationship with one of us and she could choose.

One of my siblings invited my ex to their wedding, I was fine with that, my sibling was younger than me and ex was a big feature of their growing up. I then found out his parents, two siblings and partners were invited. There was going to be more of his family there than mine. I didn't go to the wedding.

Sorry OP I think they are being very disrespectful.

I get your hurt OP, it’s really fucking shit. It’s like they prioritise being social/friendly above their own child. My mum would do this, and has done this. I had a very good friendship break down and my mum (narc) went out of her way to befriend the girl, this ex-friend of mine who had been cruel and hurtful to me. In my case my mum knew the full extent of what she’d done to me, but didn’t care. She said she had to ‘remain neutral’. Erm no you don’t! Show loyalty to your actual daughter! She went totally OTT trying to hang out with this girl of a completely different generation and I’ve no idea why. She did similar when me and my now ex husband split up. He was an abusive twat, and again my mum went out of her way to be sweet and friendly to him, even knowing what he’d done. I keep her far away from my relationships and friends now. Have your parents ever done anything like this before? It’s so weird and hurtful. I hope you’re ok OP. It took me a long time to come to terms with it all.