When a teacher / nursery teacher tells you that your child has misbehaved - does it always mean the behaviour is outside of the ‘ norm ‘/ what’s expected

[wuest]

I was chatting to a friend today and we were talking about feedback we’d received on our kid’s behaviours over the years.

we were wondering when things are brought to our attention by teachers or nursery teachers, does it mean that it’s worse than other kids behaviour and that’s why it was flagged ? We were wondering because a lot of the behaviours are normal and expected for their ages, but we get alerted occasionally- ‘ Bobby struggles to share sometimes ‘.. about a 2 year old for example. In fact I remember a friend who kept being told her 1 year old didn’t like sharing.. the nursery teacher told her a lot that her 1 year old didn’t want to share at Nursey and needed to learn to share.

so should we assume every time an expected behaviour like not being able to share is mentioned, that it means our child is struggling to share more than other kids and that’s why it’s mentioned?

there was a post here a few weeks ago about a child who’s parents were being told about certain behaviours and a lot of posters mentioned that the behaviours must be quite bad and beyond what would be expected for their ages, compared to other kids- otherwise they wouldn’t be mentioned. Is that how it works then?

Generally I would assume that if they mention it, it is beyond just normal developmentally appropriate behaviour.

But I can’t really see how a 1 yr old is reasonably expected to share, and therefore I wouldn’t assume that your friend’s 1 yr old was worse than the norm, because the norm is not sharing.

I don't know about your example of the 1 year old but generally teachers are busy and if we take the time to tell you about your child's behaviour then it is significant and/or repeated.

I think they'd always tell you if your child hurt another child for example. But that is developmentally normal in v young kids (this is mumsnet so I'm sure someone will come along and say their child never hit). Not that they shouldn't. Often it's working together to see what is triggering the behaviour and knowing if it happens at home is really useful.

No one really likes to share to be honest!

Depends if it's a minimum wage, not amazingly trained nursery worker or a trained school teacher. From the 1 year old being expected to share I'd assume the former and ignore.

I don't know much about nursery staff as I have never worked in one, but as a primary school teacher, if I were to speak to a parent about their child's behaviour, yes, it would be because their behaviour was not expected/appropriate.

I'm amazed any nursery staff are speaking to parents about one or two year olds not sharing, though!

If you are told your child is finding it hard to share. I would think there behaviour was beyond what is normally expected for their age and they are having many battles with other children over certain toys and equipment and finding it harder to accept when an adult intervenes and tries to get them to let someone else have a turn. Possibly could be resulting in a tantrum if they don't get what they want.

I would have thought in nursery it's rather different from school. Your 4 year old might well come back and say "mummy I was asked to share the teddy with Jake today, but I just wanted to cuddle it. Plus Jake was annoying because he had it for longer than I did." This would give you an insight into their thoughts about sharing, and you might even help them talk through why it's good to share and how to cope when they feel sharing is unfair. A one year old won't give you any of this. I'm honestly not convinced that any one year old is developing slowly because they can't really share! However they are of an age where you should be thinking about how to help them learn this, especially if their days are spent in big groups of kids!

A behaviour can still be developmentally normal but the child may just be exhibiting it disproportionately compared to his peers. All traits are on a bell curve and they just might be on one of the tail ends. For example, most teenagers are chatty. They’d rather gossip (loudly) about virtually anything than learn about the periodic table. Thats normal teenage behaviour. I’d only mention the chatting to the parent if it was excessive or wildly disproportionate to the rest of the class and perhaps affecting learning. It’s not a value judgement or a remark on parenting or anything like that, just a comment that it may be something that needs to be worked on as a skill. It’s not that the habit or trait is wrong or inappropriate for their age, just that it needs to be tempered a bit for optimum social cohesion in public settings.

'Bobby struggles to share' from a 2 year old - I wouldn't mention that to a parent unless it was causing a big problem eg Bobby was getting violent or refusing to let anyone else touch toys.
All 2 year olds need adult support to take turns and share toys so there would be zero reason to mention that at pick up.

A lot goes on in a nursery during the day, staff are busy - if something has happened that warrants mentioning to parents then it is because it's a problem.

I think that really depends. At nursery I would imagine it's more of a 'this is something to work on or discuss' situation. I work in a secondary school and I co tact parents about behaviours which get in the way of learning. Constantly wanting to talk with your peers is developmentally normal but if your kid talks all the time and doesn't do any work they aren't going to make progress. I would expect you to discuss this with them, back me up and back up my sanctions.

No, as someone in education I wouldn't say them telling you means it's terrible behaviour or not normal behaviour. They're responsible for letting you know how your child is getting on and by keeping track and feedback they will have a trail if it escalates or needs further intervention, also they might want you to help with the issue at home. And of course it gets ahead of a child complaining to parents about being told off and not knowing the other side of the story. So basically for example, if they said, 'little Mabel is doing well but struggling to share at school,' they're aware it's developmentally normal but they want you to be in the loop, know how she's doing, and practice sharing more at home to help her with this issue.

Yes it will be out of the norm, otherwise every parent would regularly be getting that kind of feedback. With the 1yo not sharing I'd suspect it was a nice way of saying she is aaggressively snatching toys that others are playing with (not the norm and needs addressing) rather than just not being able to take turns(developmentally appropriate).

I find it depends on the staff member. There are definitely more experienced or better qualified staff members at our nursery who I trust only tell me things that are above and beyond normal behaviour.

Then we have other ones (usually younger and less experienced) who tell us every minor “bad” thing that happened that day. Things that I know are completely developmentally normal, if not desirable. Those are also the ones who seem to expect us to performance parent and tell the child off in front of them, even though developmentally they won’t connect a telling off at pickup time with something they did hours ago. I tend to take their recounts with a pinch of salt. I acknowledge there’s something to keep an eye on and nip in the bud if I see it, but I don’t take it as a sign my child is awful or unusual.

When I was a primary teacher, telling the parents meant the behaviour was very bad and needed sorting out. But Nursery staff who give a daily update are obviously going to mention things that aren’t necessarily bad enough that they’d seek you out for it.

Yes it almost always will mean that it’s outside the norm. I was a teacher, I would guess there were probably only about three or four kids out of each class of 30 where I’d have to call home for behaviour issues in a typical academic year. This was secondary, though, for primary it may be more frequent. It could also mean they’ve identified a need for support though.

BUT on the other side I would say nursery staff can be totally clueless and uneducated regarding what is developmentally appropriate. 1 year olds aren’t capable of true sharing anyway.

ETA: should say SOME nursery staff. Not all, but we all know there are some crappy ones out there

Honestly as a nursery worker we would only mention it if it had been quite out of the ordinary, most kids struggle to share at 2 but if we mentioned it to parents it meant that we were really having to spend an awful lot of time trying to correct whatever behaviour they were showing

I think it can be for multiple reasons like it’s not normal for kids that age, it’s not normal for that individual kid or you should know just in case another parent brings it up.