My brother and I grew up in an abusive home. My dad was a psychopath and we lived in fear of him. My mum was depressed and anxious most of the time. Sometimes things were normal but could change at any moment. My brother is 7 years younger than me. As children he never wanted to form any relationship with me and would call me horrible names, tell me I smelt and that I was fat and ugly. He would snitch on me to get me into trouble. I never dwelt on this until recently when he told me that he has always hated my guts and wished me dead. He said he delighted in being horrible to me. I just always thought of him as my little brother, acting as little brothers do. He implied that I was an awful child and that I added to my mums misery and he hated me for it all his life. I feel so hurt and, while I know that he suffered a lot of trauma in his childhood, he doesn't seem to recognise that I did as well. I left home at 19 as my relationship with my mum in particular at that time was tense. I had no relationship with my father. From age 18 I had rebelled a bit, going to clubs and coming home late/drunk and bad choices with boyfriends and friends. I still feel shame about this now I am in my 50s but I have a good relationship with my mum and my dad and am there for them. At home, though as a young girl/woman my father hated me and I could never do a thing right. He would tell me I looked ugly. He would hit me if I stood up to him. Not a day went by when I wasn't in trouble for something or another and I have my whole life felt like a bad person. When I left home aged 19, my brother was 12. We have not had a relationship since then. He has never been interested in me or my family but I have always seen his wife and children. I don't know what I am trying to say really. I just feel so ashamed and horrible about what he said to me and I question who I am now. I struggle in my life to form friendships and am full of self loathing and his words reinforce how I feel about myself.