To Ask Advice on Who to have as Executor

[LytesCarey]

I could put this in Legal but it is more of a people question than a law one. My DH and I do not have DC and neither of us has family except for DH's elderly father who is widowed. We have mirror wills, and are each other's main executor. The problem is that we need a second executor who would be responsible if we both died. I really am at a loss as to who we can ask. Friends are mostly the same age or older, are already looking after elderly relatives or have already had to do big house clearances etc for parents, and have lots of commitments. There is literally nobody we can ask. Do mumsnetters think having a solicitor in this role is a good idea? I would be worried that all my treasures (especially things inherited from my mother and grandmother) would just get thrown into a skip. Is there any other type of responsible person who would take on the role? Would appreciate advice, thanks in advance.

A law firm.

It's a nightmare being an executor. I think it's kind of a mean thing to put on a grieving relative.

Who will your estate go to? Can you name them as executor?

I agree a law firm.

Use a solicitor. But it’s unlikely you’ll need to use them if you and your DH are each others executors and main beneficiaries. Be sure to tell your DH what your wishes are with regards to your keepsakes.

Mean?! What an odd opion. I was executor for my dad and dealt with his estate. I am also executor for my mum. It is an honour not a burden. I was very pleased that I could ensure my dad's last wishes were adhered to.

That's your view, and mine is that it can be massive burden which might just be too much for someone who is grieving. I would not want to put that on someone I love.

If you use Farewill they have the option for a low cost executor when you do your will, I’ve done it to save my loved ones the aggro

OP doesn’t have kids though. They would be asking friends or an elderly relative.

It’s one thing to do it for your own inheritance from your own parents (I’ve done it twice) but another to ask a friend to manage other peoples inheritances.

Having seen the stress and damage it did to my siblings' relationships with each other when they acted as joint executors for my DF I will have a paid professional do it for me.

My FIL put two elderly men as his executors. Damn right it’s a burden.

And maybe "mean" is the wrong word. I'm sure someone wouldn't do it intentionally to be mean. But it is (or can be) really tricky and can be emotionally burdensome - on top of grief that's not something I would want a loved one to go through unless I knew they wanted to and were aware of the process. I am perhaps a little biased by having to handle my mum's estate at 23 which was very overwhelming, but even watching my in laws go through it for my MIL's brother a few years ago made me think so. They were very stressed about it all for over a year. And both those scenarios were estates that allowed for help by solicitors, even worse if not.

OP, use a solicitor. Highly unlikely it would come to it. It really can be a lot of work so I wouldn’t dump it on someone you don’t know very well indeed.

In your case, I would use a solicitor.

I was executor for both of my parents as they each trusted me to be able to cope with all the requirements. I have two siblings, but they chose me. I don't know if they discussed their decisions with my siblings or not, but they were very glad not to have to do it. It is (in my opinion) definitely a burden - but any executor can choose not to accept the role, in which case I think a solicitor would need to do it - and of course they will need to be paid for the task out of the inheritance.

My DH and I have been having the same discussion. Between us, we have 3 adult children. We don't think his child would be able to cope and, in a discussion with them very recently they assumed that the role would go to one of my children. We haven't discussed it with my children yet, but plan to do so in the next couple of weeks. We don't think my eldest child would be able to cope. They live quite close to us so it would be easier for them to deal with the practicalities - but mentally and emotionally we think they would find it too difficult. My youngest child lives 6 hours away but we think they are probably the most able to manage this very onerous task. Now all we have to do is to speak to them both about it and to try to find a way to let them know our decision that won't cause hurt.

I'm going to make my will next month with the Co-Op and will appoint them as my executors.

Obviously they get paid a % of the Estate before disbursement to beneficiaries, but as I have no children and my siblings are around my age it makes sense to not burden a family member.

Just appoint one or more of the beneficiaries as executor. I think solicitors take too long and cost too much and the beneficiaries will still be expected to run around organising stuff. If the beneficiaries/executors don't know what to do they can pay a solicitor to help/advise but will still be in control.

Thank you for all the replies. I am going to follow up both Farewill and the Co-op. The issue is that any personal beneficiaries live abroad and it would not be fair to expect them to come to the UK to sort out an estate. Also they are similar age to us, so not suitable.

It wouldn't be a grieving relative as we don't have family. We need someone more detached who would be willing to act as a back-up executor in the event that DH and I could not be each other's executor for some reason.