Feeling resentful. How to talk to Dh?

[trumpshairbrush]

Dh and I have been married 5 years, together 8. We have a two year old together and I have a 15 year old from a previous marriage.

Dh earns roughly 3 x more than me and works full time while I work Wed-Fri. He covers 90% of the household expenses. But I feel like it ends there. I do everything for dc. The entire mental load of school, nursery, appointments etc. Given the age gap it can be very hard. I clean, cook, and sort all life admin. He will maintain the garden.

At the start of the holidays we went abroad which dh paid for. But all of the booking, planning, passports, packing, washing upon return was on me. At the start of summer I am the one who looks at the calendar and instruct him on which days he needs to book off to look after our toddler. Which he will do. I feel exhausted and resentful. I don’t like the phrase the ick but that’s the best way I can describe the feeling I have when he can see I’m struggling but doesn’t offer to help because he feels like he’s done his bit by paying for everything.

Is this a fair trade off? I expect to do a bit more because I work less hours. But I feel like I need to talk to him about how I feel as it’s damaging our relationship. I feel like I do everything for everyone and nobody really values me. I end up snapping and getting frustrated which doesn’t help anything.

He isn’t a bad man and I don’t want to LTB but I do need to find a way to communicate with him.

I work 3 days a week and have a similar salary disparity with my DH.

Yours should be doing more household admin, sharing the cooking on days you both work and giving you equal free time.

I know “get a cleaner” is often said on MN, but it makes a big difference to us.

We share holiday planning.

I never pack for DH or wash his clothes.

He can be useful but he needs direct instructions which also makes me feel frustrated - why can’t he just see what needs doing without me telling him!

That’s the million dollar question, wives the world over are wondering!

They just don’t.

I am like you but I don’t pack for my DH or wash his clothes but I do everything else. I even have to tell him when to wear a coat as he asks me if he should! 🙄

Sorry no advice but solidarity ❤️

Seems like you need to communicate.
I feel that you are working part time and he covers 90pc of household bills so that is a good deal OP. However, I can understand your resentment so you need to talk. Perhaps discuss him taking responsibility for booking holiday ( as an option)
Please don't allow your resentment to fester, no one will benefit from that

Take a half day 'off' every weekend, where you go out, catch up a friend or participate in a hobby. That gives your husband time with your 2 year old and you get a break. It makes all the difference.

I felt like this with DH. So I stopped.

We have a cleaner for 3 hours on a Friday. I do the laundry but he sorts his out, puts it away and irons it. He sorts out the cars/maintenance/insurance and he does the gardening/bins. I cook, he clears away. I do still find I have to point out the obvious at times but I'm far less stressed with him.

No real advice but I feel this too. I work part time and my wages are much less than his but I run this entire house. I cook, clean, plan, organise relentlessly, it’s very draining but any conversation around it ends the same…. Why don’t I just go n earn more money which I obviously can’t as we would then pay in childcare more than id earn I think a lot of men forget that the world runs on women’s domestic labour

I always feel when his working day ends (eg 6pm when he walks in the door) so should yours.

From then on and all weekend everything gets halved.

Why should it only be the woman, who having worked since 7am all day, ends up continuing to serve dinner, do dishes, bathe children, pop a washing in, give the kitchen floor a wipe after the dog comes in….until kids are in bed at 9pm and she can finally sit down.

Meanwhile the Man Of The House sits smugly on his arse having worked all day not doing a damn thing.

Hell no.

It's a job to be proud of, as you are in charge of the household and the kids. That's your role as you have more time at home. He provides stability and pays for your lifestyle with holidays etc. It sounds like a good arrangement.

He's opting out and allowing you to do everything you describe, which is very unfair. Don't pussyfoot around, just tell him it's unfair, and you're not having it.
(PS I'd never have let my then partner near my clothes 😂)

I think research shows that part-time working mums do more working hours than anyone else. Unfortunately he values £ more than work when it comes to the family. Do you feel he respects you and all you do?

Stop doing stuff, and let the consequences pay out. If it’s something he cares about he will do it (maybe not immediately) or agree to pay someone to do it. EG only cook for the toddler on your working days, everyone else takes a turn or you all scavenge/diy. Tell him that from now on all holiday arrangements are up to him. Whatever makes your life a bit easier.

But do expect that a change that’s so uncomfortable for him is going to cause the odd disaster along the way and probably some friction.

Seems like you want to have your cake and eat it. You work part time, while he works full time and pays 90% of bills + holidays, including supporting for a DC that isn't his. Maybe balance equation by you going back to work full time?