Feeling so overwhelmed

[SoH0peless]

Posting here for traffic...

For the last couple of years I've been so up and down mood wise.

I'm on Sertraline and that's just been upped to 150mg. I've gone through the menopause and on HRT and I started ADHD meds after a late diagnosis in my late 40's.

I'm a carer to two parents with dementia and two kids with various difficulties/disabilities. It's hard to watch one of these parents I'm particularly close to declining and knowing that they're dying. It breaks my heart to see them like this. They have no idea that they have dementia and so we all work with it and pretend that they're 'normal' and that we understand everything they're saying when we don't.

Holding down two very part time jobs from home to work around my caring responsibilities.

Partner works loads so not around much to do the day to day grind. He works overtime to make ends meet. Probably works a 50-60 hour week. He is not used to chipping in with more than the bare minimum of housework. Believe me, I've tried for the last 10 years.

I've even tried to leave him.but I'd be in a worse if position and I'd have to move away from my folks to be able to afford to live. It would also mean removing one of my kids from their special school. It's simply not workable at all

I don't stop from 6.30am until around 11pm with all of my day to day caring responsibilities, work, household stuff, disability paperwork, managing meds for myself and 4 other people.

I have reached out to the disability social work team, my GP, a carers support group. No help is available. The GP has been kind and offered to sign me off work but actually my work is my escape and I really enjoy it. It's something that makes me feel valued.

The GP told me to write down all the little jobs I have to do on a daily basis. I thought of 75 things just off the top of my head in about 5 minutes.

Just when I complete one piece of paperwork and think I can relax for a bit a few days or a week later, something else crops up! I'd say at least 1-2 pieces of disability paperwork a month (that often takes many hours to complete) and then all the bits of admin like booking docs appointments, dental appointments, hospital appointments, school paperwork, paperwork for the kids clubs etc etc

My extended family do what they can and do their share with my parents. They used to help me more with the kids but now can't because of my parents' needs.

I just feel like I want to run away and hide every single week. It's usually something small that tips me over the edge, like today, not being able to do a repeat prescription and not being told why. Turns out that they needed to do a review but didn't tell me.

I have a couple of close friends but I'm sure they're sick of hearing all about how hard I'm finding things. I have time for a hobby once a week for a couple of hours, that's it!

I even talked to my work counselling and after a 6 week talking therapy, they agreed that there was no way out of the situation I'm in. They agreed that I'd thought of everything from every angle.

I just feel completely overwhelmed with life and need to tell someone. Life just feels so damn hard and it feels like there's never any respite.

I really do just want to walk away from it all...

I just feel completely broken after more than 15 years of being a carer.

I guess there is no really AIBU except to say that AIBU in thinking what's the point of it all?

I just feel like there's noone to take care of me and the one person that used to has dementia and isn't really able to any more! 😔

I'm really sorry this sounds so difficult.

Are your parents really not entitled to any care? If they are above the savings threshold, can you pay for some care to take some of the burden day to day? I haven't been in the exact position you are in but caring is draining and with my MIL, once we had carers going in twice a day it helped such a lot.

Is there any way of you arranging things with family so that you do alternate days/weeks giving you some defined breaks from dealing with your parents.

Just some ideas - I know sometimes these things are easier said than done. Sending hugs - it is incredibly difficult.

Do you have siblings who can help with your parents?

Do you have enough funds to get a cleaner for your own home and someone to mow the lawn.

I feel for you, op x
Do your parents get attendance allowance?
It sounds like they should...
Blue Badge?
If they get AA you can get carers allowance which might mean you could give up one of the pt jobs?
Its £333 per month.
AA is awarded at low or high rate.
Do your kids get DLA?

The other parent is more aware but tells tall stories so you can never believe what they say. We've tried to put carers in place in all sorts of ways (calling them.friemds etc) but they're having none of it.

The parent I'm closest to has always been the one to look after my worse parent but neither understand how bad the other one is! But the more able parent expects the less able parent to still do everything for them and forgets that they're not capable any more.

I've really looked into carers but also they can't force people to take meds so if they refuse, we're no better off.amd paying these people for it. We'd still have to pick up the slack!

I only go around there 2-3 times a week for 1-4 hours. Other family members do the other days. But we all get confused phone calls regularly.

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation OP. I’ve cared for declining parents but not at the same time as having dependent children.

I don’t know what to say - do you have siblings? I know this is sometimes a mixed blessing but if you do, they owe you some respite at least.

However horrible it is, it won’t stay the same. That’s not a good thought at the moment I know, but you are doing so much for your parents and when they’re gone the knowledge that you gave them such care and love will be a comfort

i know you sa6 your husband doesn’t do much but, reading your post, that seems the only area where there’s room for change. I don’t know how you achieve that but I would at least try. Write out a schedule for him and explain that, if he refuses to give you any more help you really will collapse and the whole family will suffer. Because it’s true.

Good luck and take care of YOURSELF.

Yep, I've got and applied for all the benefits possible.

It's me that's sorted it all out as other family members don't have a clue. It's the weight of that paperwork that doesn't help. I think it's years and years of being the one to do all the research and the paperwork that has helped to make me feel so broken.

We've had to fight for the slightest thing for my kids too.

We can't really make good use of my parents AA because of one of them not accepting any help and being ultra suspicious of us (always has been). Not allowed in any other room except one room if their house otherwise they think we're up to something. We have to take them out to get things cleaned.

It's the only way we're managing to keep our heads just above water with the cost of living and me not being able to work full time.

We live in a very expensive area but can't move because of my parents' care.

I just feel so totally done and broken.

If your post menopuase and on hrt - have they checked your hormone levels?

Adhd stimulant medication can cause depression on some individuals so that also worth discussing with psychiatrist who does your reviews

Thank you for your responses. It just helps to tell someone how shit I feel and to read some kind words and empathy. 🥰

I had no idea they could do this. I will ask them.to. Thank you.