To only invite people to only evening wedding reception?

[Amby99]

I feel really bad but our wedding is priced per head for the drinks reception / wedding breakfast etc at nearly £200 pp. For this reason we really do have to limit numbers so it doesn’t start getting ridiculous. our wedding is close family (which is already ~ 40 people with their partners) and then about 10-15 close friends. For the evening do, we can invite up to 100 people free of charge.

There are some people that our parents have requested to invite (even just for the evening). For example my aunty (by marriage) son from her marriage previously before my uncle has been requested. But I haven’t seen him in 5 years and aren’t particularly close but we would like him and his partner at the evening do.

is it offensive though? I’m worried it comes across like ‘you’re not important enough to come to the ceremony but you are to the evening’…

Also do I do evening invites? Or just let them know?

Nothing wrong with inviting them but it is undeniably a two tier approach. Many people wouldn’t be bothered at that though. I personally don’t accept evening invites as in my experience, you turn up and alot of guests are already tipsy, you’re tripping over discarded fascinators and find yourself making small talk “how was the ceremony, where the speeches funny” etc. If it was extremely local I might go but if not, no chance.

It used to be much more common to have an evening list and I really liked it, think it should be brought back! Great opportunity to come to the fun part i.e. the party without having to sit through a whole day and all the tedious pictures etc, less expectation to dress super fancy and give a generous gift etc and on the bride and groom's part it's an opportunity to include a wider circle than they might be able to accommodate for the full thing which surely can only be a good thing. I would want it to come back as a more widespread practice TBH!

That being said there are some ground rules / etiquette that should be stuck to i.e. :

-Don't use the evening list as a way of pointedly snubbing people, make sure the dividing lines are clear and fair e.g. don't invite all your cousins to the whole thing but DH's only to the evening, even if you are closer to one side that the other you risk offense if you do this.

-Evening list should only be for local guests only, anyone travelling a distance should come to the whole thing

-Be clear and thoughtful about what you're providing for evening guests by way of food, if you invite them to come for 5 and provide only peanuts and booze you are asking for trouble. Its lovely if you can stretch to a buffet or light supper of some kind for all guests, or if you can't do this perhaps invite evening guests a little later to ensure they have time to eat properly before coming

-On a similar note be realistic about timings and think about at what point the evening guests should arrive and how will that fit what your other guests are doing/order of the day. Even though like I said I have no problem at all being invited evening only, it is a bit galling to turn up at the stated time only to be herded into a side room with the other b-listers to wait until the rest of the party is ready for you, or have to hang around standing awkwardly at the back because the meal and speeches are still ongoing, particularly if there isn't a bar or food for you (yes this has happened to me more than once). Or even worse my friend was one of only a few evening guests at a school friends wedding in a stately home, on arrival (on time as per her invitation) there was no-one to greet her or signage as to where to go, no other guests around anywhere, the bar man vaguely pointed her towards a heavy panel door which she pushed noisily through only to discover she'd made a grand entrance onto a lit up stage right in the middle of the most tearful moment of the father of the bride's speech, she had to do her best to exit gracefully but all eyes were definitely on her. Bride was not best pleased, but what did she expect to happen! Don't be that person!

Tbh, I'd just push back and say "Sorry, we can't afford it. It's a small wedding so we can only invite close family and friends".

I’ve recently been invited to an evening reception by somebody I used to be quite good friends with but haven’t seen for a couple of years. It’s a long way, I don’t know anybody else who is going and it would involve paying for a hotel so that’s a definite no from me. If it was e.g. a bunch of workmates who don’t have far to travel and would have fun together then that would be a different matter. No judgement, about the evening invite and it doesn’t change my warm feelings for him, it’s just not something I want to do.

Yes it’s fine. I had all my work colleagues (too many to invite all day) and my neighbours to evenIng do. Anyone who had to travel a distance came all day as well as close family and friends.
congratulations and have a wonderful wedding day x

I wouldn't (and didn't). I think two tier invites are horrible.

It’s pretty standard to split the guests, we did at our wedding. No explanation needed, just send 2 sets of invites. Have a fabulous day :-)

Evening invites create such horror on MN, meanwhile in the real world they’re not uncommon and people only complain (fairly) if they aren’t catered for or it’s going to cost people. Twenty odd years ago when I got married we had 150 people for the whole thing and we had around 20 work colleagues each as evening guests at a beautiful but extortionate location. We had an open bar and sweet and savoury food for them and they were more than happy. Congrats OP. I hope your day turns out wonderful.

I'm not keen, I would rather have a more modest do than tell people which of them we care about and which ones we don't. With the possible exception of work colleagues, who are usually all local and a bit different to close friends and family.

You say you'd do an evening only invite to your aunt's son. Does she has other children who are your cousins and who are invited to the full day? Would you have some cousins come to the day and some only to the evening? I'd be a bit uncomfortable with treating people in the same family on different "tiers".

when we got married we had similar venue type (cost us about 150 a head) we could only fit a certain amount of people so we presented our guest list to both sides parents if they weren't happy or wanted others to come they had to remove someone- we paid for it ourselves. we didn't want people at the wedding we didn't see or know. I don't really belive in evening invites now it's not really the done thing anymore I don't think. keep to whoever you want on the guest list don't let anyone pressure you to invite so or so

It’s your wedding and so just have people you want there. My husband is an only child and only has 2 cousins. He didn’t want his cousins there so we didn’t. Meant more guests for me

Thanks for all the replies - I feel much better. I forgot to mention that we will be providing food for everyone in the evening - I just meant that it doesn’t cost any extra per head to have up to 100 guests in the evening (not that we would get to that anyway) so they wouldn’t be turning up starving and lack any alcohol / food.

Mn can be weird about evening invites. But it’s very normal. I had some friends and work colleagues who I wanted to see but couldn’t justify a day invite to. They came it was lovely.

wouldn't expect anyone to travel far /incur expensive cost. Nor would I send a a gift registry (or similar) to evening guests.

I've never heard of an everybody full day attendance. It's always been so many to full day and so many to night part. Yes separate invitations for each.

I think it's fine provided those people aren't travelling miles and miles. For example, when we were married, we knew lots of young professionals in our church but not all that well. There was quite a large group of them that we invited to the service and the evening do, but not the meal in between. They were in their own city and knew each other so I imagine they either went to their own homes to grab food between, or went out in the city together. Think it's rude not to feed people who have travelled a long way to a strange place, who would then have to get their own meal out somewhere.

If they are local, it's usually fine. If they don't want to come, they don't have to

If you are not going to change your venue and allow you to be ripped off (in my opinion), then evening invites should be for local people only. Be prepared for some to decline and do not hold that against any who do.

Have I understood correctly that the venue are charging £200/head for a daytime meal and you can have 100 people free in the evening including food and drink?

That is bizarre charging.

Nothing wrong with having evening only invites for people who are not close - most people do it.

If it's not far to travel then of course you can have evening invites - that's very normal!

Thanks for all the replies - I feel much better. I forgot to mention that we will be providing food for everyone in the evening - I just meant that it doesn’t cost any extra per head to have up to 100 guests in the evening (not that we would get to that anyway) so they wouldn’t be turning up starving and lack any alcohol / food.

My venue (and many we looked at) charged by head with a minimum spend (ie £120 per head with a minimum £10k spend) for the whole wedding- so venue hire etc was included in the by head cost.

so you can max out your heads or just not book it if the capacity doesn’t work for you.

Evening invites are fine. Only on mn are people weird about it. I had about 50 extra people for evening, friends of family and distant cousins etc. all who rsvp’d came, some travelled, no complaints, or if they did complain it never got back to me. Im not sure I had declines come to think of it.

Been invited as evening guest aswell from work colleagues, cousin, etc, was just lovely to be considered, and I get it, I’m not the centre of that particular couples universe so its fine!

Have the wedding you want, go for it!

Posters on here have very strange ideas about evening invites. A lot of people would rather just have an evening invite, there's no pressure on a new outfit, time off work etc. It also livens things up having new people join you. It also means that the day guests can leave, without the venue starting to look empty.

I think evening invitations are fine if the evening guests live locally (no overnight in hotel/ very long drives). As long as there are drinks/ buffet food then most people would be fine. I had evening do guests (parents of the bride and groom friends/ next door neighbors who they have lived next to for decades, distant cousins that are seen once every few years and get a yearly Xmas card from, work colleagues on both sides,).

As a PP said, balance it so there are people on both sides of the family coming to the evening do.

I do also agree with PP about venue expense, especially if you are getting it in the neck from family. My own cousin has fallen into the trap of a very expensive per head venue and is having to seriously cull the guest list (she's down to bridesmaids only no partners, direct family only - no cousins/ aunts/ uncles, cutting step siblings out, no family children) she's getting it from all sides - no one is happy at all and people are taking offense left right and centre . At this point I wouldn't be surprised if there is a charge for oxygen at this venue, everything seems to come at a cost. I do think some venues (especially the £xxx per head ones) are very good at inciting panic into brides. My cousin looked at a few, they all started with earliest we could fit you in would be 2028, if you want a June/ July/ August Saturday, earliest would be 2029, then followed with x amount of brides come and visit us each week so dates go very fast so you need to make a decision to use us fast. My aunt said it was very much high pressure sales technique not dissimilar to a dodgy car dealer. When she picked her venue at £xxx per head, surprise surprise, they had an early September Saturday in 2026. So yes whilst you may have 10+ brides a week view your venue, it seems they do not all like the price tag.

Both dd1 and dd2 had everybody full day attendance. Dd1 actually included 2 nights accommodation for all her guests - originally 50 but reduced to 30 due to covid. Dd2 had 100 guests.