To think my mum is intentionally triggering me?

[100andten]

And I don’t understand why.

I don’t think I’m overthinking this. I think she has done it with various ex partners. The latest, who I broke up with a few years, lives locally and has a partner and 6 years old ds. Since I broke up with him I had a dc with a new partner and my mum doesn’t know that I have got back together with him (we had a temporary spilt shortly after DD was born a few years ago). The fact she thinks I am single and still does the below is what is upsetting me…

So, getting to the point… my mum will regularly mention if she’s seen this ex (let’s call him Steve). She’ll say oh I saw Steve in the shop and we talked about x y and z. She always likes to tell me how well he is doing, that his partner since me is very nice, which school they are planning on their ds going to. Then she sort of waits for a reaction…I’m almost certain I’m not imagining this. She sort of looks at me and waits in this unusual way that she doesn’t in other conversation.

She has done it with previous partners too. She also will compare my Dd’s toy collection with my nephew’s and say she fees sorry for DD as she doesnt have some toy she’s seen at my sister’s house. My dd has lots of toys so I don’t take this to heart but it seems like she’s trying to get a reaction out of me? Why would she do this?

My sister feels she does it to her too. I just wonder if I’m reading into it all perhaps?

She’s just making conversation. You’re ‘triggered’ by this? Maybe she thinks DD would like that toy, who know? Ask her to buy it for her then if you think she’d like it!

This is such an overreaction on your part.

Why doesn't she know you are back with your partner?

Maybe she liked Steve and thinks you might be vaguely interested.

And it’s a bit rich to criticise her for her behaviour being triggering when you’re being deliberately deceptive and dishonest yourself in allowing her to believe you’re still single. What’s that all about?

I’m with you op. My mum does this sort of thing too. I have started calling her out on it now and saying ‘how do you expect me to react when you say that to me?’ Or ‘I find that quite an unkind thing to say to me, it makes me feel inadequate’ for example.

so your hiding stuff from her but feels she’s triggering you by talking to you? I’m confused.

@VaseofViolets ok thanks, I really wasn’t sure about it! It’s a feeling I get when she brings it up.

@Indianajet she doesn’t know as she has form for meddling so I have kept it separate for now. For example she actually asked ‘Steve’ if he would go for an pint with my dad! I think it’s all a bit invasive in my life. Maybe I’m being over the top

@VaseofViolets yes she might think I am interested I suppose… but it’s the waiting for the reaction and the way she says it. I’m not sure I need to hear how nice his partner is or how well he’s doing with work or that he’s got a holiday home in Spain?!

@Haggisfish3 that’s a good way to deal with it. It’s strange though isnt it… why do they even do it? It feels so unkind

Why can’t you tell her you’re not interested? Or just give a vaguely worded ‘oh right’ ‘good for him’ etc… you’re making a mountain out of a molehill. Just because you think she’s waiting for a particular reaction, you don’t have to give her one.

One of my grandmothers was like this. Comments, digs, unpleasant gossip, unfavourable comparisons between her daughters and grandchildren, little phone calls that caused strife and mayhem. And she would always come up smelling of roses herself because "she never meant anyone to take it that way."

I loved her but she thrived on drama and upsetting people.

I doubt you're misreading the situation. For whatever reason it sounds like your mum gets something out of saying things that might upset you. My mum has done this in the past and my sister can too. I don't get the motivation myself but there must be something behind it. I know if I said anything I'd be the one at fault for being sensitive or in my sister's case she'd say she was just being honest. That last bit is true but doesn't make it kind and there is often no reason for these comments. I mean if your mum genuinely thinks your daughter needs a specific toy it would make more sense to buy her it than comment. Sorry OP I can't say how to deal with it or how to stop it.

The thing with triggering is - just because someone is trying to cause a reaction, cause drama, make unpleasant comments - it doesn’t follow that there has to be a reaction to that. You can choose your emotions and how you respond to it. You can allow this to upset you, annoy you, or you can let them wash over you, let them slide. If you know they’re doing intentionally, that makes it all the easier to do. And when you’re in control of your emotions, instead of allowing them to control you, life’s a hell of a lot easier.

Let it go. You can’t control your mother’s behaviour, only your own, and how you respond to her.

Op, be very, very careful about the advice that you take on board on mumsnet. People may not understand your situation or may deliberately misconstrue your post. I dont want you to feel invalidated because I have a similar set up to you and have spent my life being gaslit and that I have been going against my own I tuition that my mother has some kind of grudge against me. Therapy has helped me to see that all of those feelings that I talked myself out of or didn't believe were right all along.

Some mothers like to push their daughters' buttons because it gives them a sense of control. My mother does it and I just give her the blandest grey-rock in return. I guess you haven't told your mum about your relationship status because you don't trust her with your information, in that you feel like she will judge you or use it against you.

Your sister gives further credence to your intuition. Did you grow up being told you were too sensitive or that you couldn't take a joke?

You aren’t wrong OP, your mum is a piece of work. I assume she’s not got much better to do than this; but all you can do is change your reaction and see her less.

Maybe she's trying to trigger you - so that you get upset - so she can comfort you and feel 'needed' again?

Or she wants you to get upset so she can assert herself in a 'ooooh stop being so dramatic, you're so sensitive'.

Go with your gut - it's rarely wrong and I'd say it's deliberate.

Best reaction- who? Steve who? I can't remember dating a Steve. Ohhhhh that Steve- oh that's nice.

Love this advice. I'm in a very very similar situation, except far more toxic unfortunately, and I am trying my best not to react anymore. They know exactly what they're doing when talking to you in a demeaning/ insulting manner or getting in their little digs, but no amount of asking 'why do you do that?' Or explaining that you're hurt, will change their behaviour. Ultimately, they're doing it for precisely that reason - to belittle and denigrate and hurt you and you're giving them want they crave by showing your upset. worse still is when you ( understandably) react with anger for then you're the ' difficult, crazy' one. The only way of holding on to your dignity and sanity is to let it all wash over you. It's so bloody difficult, but I'm trying. I suggest OP you take this posters brilliant advice, and give it a go.

Yep, my mother says things to annoy me on purpose and I just pretend it didn't happen or say the most beige thing in response. Lots of 'oh right, cool' or 'oh, sounds nice'. Over time I perfected a half smile that I produce when the attempted trigger is really shitty. I will just do the half smile, maybe raise an eyebrow and say nothing for a few seconds then change the subject breezily. I think my mother is actually jealous of me and i think these trigger attempts come from a pot of jealousy and inadequacy.

Once I realised that she has a problem, and that it wasn't me, I felt so liberated and at times even played games in my head about how greyrock I could go, or how unbothered I could seem. It's a power play and once you show them that you don't care, you will see how it has all been designed to make you feel small. Step back and you will see it for what it is.

I understand OP. My DM would do similar things… She would point out if she had seen my exDH‘s name in the paper (he played for a couple of local sports teams), what he was doing, who he was doing it with. Very carefully cut out a photograph of him that appeared in the paper with his new wife. Handed it to me, watching me for a reaction. Our marriage hadn’t ended well – he’d left me for OW – and It pissed me off. The fact that she was taking the time to carefully cut out a photograph of them to show me! Why the hell would I want to see it?. She was clearly wanting a reaction from me. I used to just like look and then just go, mmm. One day she tried to show me something, and I just said, I’m not interested. And refused to look at it. She tried one more time: she said, ‘oh I’ve got something to tell you about X, but apparently you don’t want to know?’ I just said, ‘no I don’t’.

and I also get why you don’t tell her everything: my sister and I learned years ago not to share everything about our lives with our DM, as we would get judgement.

Bizarre thing is, DM never really liked my ex!

Thank you. Yes, it's all a new way of being - this " not bothered " approach, and I'm middle aged now so it's taken me a very long time to get there! I think as I'm a reasonable, fair minded person my biggest mistake was thinking that others were built the same way and if only I could explain my distress, they'd stop the behaviours. How wrong I was. To them it's a power play designed deliberately to keep me in my place and hurt and humiliate me. People with normal healthy families will never get it, that some mothers simply don't feel love for their children. I'll try the half smile thing; could do with all the weapons in my armoury!