To think that I should stay over at a wedding - not come home to farmer DH + DC

[pontipinemum]

Basically we have a wedding reception in 2 weeks time - they got married during covid with very very few present and are getting around to the afters now!

Our babysitter (SIL) has unfortunately injured herself and cannot mind our DC aged 3 and 1. DH doesn't want to ask his brother + wife even though they have offered many times. ILs could not have them over night as they are in their mid-late 70s and wouldn't be able. But between ILs having them for a little bit during the day. Then BIL having them that evening at our house. I think it would be fine.

The hotel is just over a 2 hour drive away. We would leave home at mid day, returning around 2am. But I think that might be too much on my own, I'd be very tired. It would be different splitting the driving or at least having company.

DH doesn't want to ask BIL.

So I am going alone, he still thinks I should drive home that evening. Not to leave him with the 2 DC on Sunday morning when things might need to be done on the farm - FIL is still very capable and there isn't anything that is urgent for 1 Sunday at the end of August.

It is in my home town and not to drip feed DH doesn't like my hometown thinks it is a bit 'scummy' also doesn't like to be around my family too much as thinks they get too loud (enormous family and we all do get loud when together)

YABU - Go home that night.
YANBU - Stay with a relative and go home the following morning

I’d stay. You’ve offered a solution, DH doesn’t like the solution, up to him to find a different solution

he sounds very controlling of your time OP and it sounds as if he doesn’t want you with your family which given you live near/with his is a huge red flag

how often do you see your family

You say I’m staying over, you can always ask your brother otherwise you’re parenting, what youre not doing is telling me I can’t stay overnight in my home town because I have ti look after our dc because you refuse for anyone else to help. Do you realise how controlling that is of you?

You're not going to a wedding reception though. Its just a party. They've been married for years.

@MysteriousFalafel his solution is that I come home that evening. It is what we always do when we have an event in my home town.

@Tiswa I was down for 1 night a few weeks ago. It is difficult with 2 children. My mums house for many reasons is not somewhere I want to stay. We go down for special occasions though but never stay over. We always leave early and go home, for once I'd like to stay out late! My family are loud and can get excitable when all together.

@99bottlesofkombucha I think some of it for him is a worry thing, not that he has any reason to think that BIL cannot mind the DC, he has 2 of his own who are now teens and dote on my DC so would be helpful. Also of course his wife would be there too, who I know occasionally baby sits her similar aged child.

Do you and your husband have livestock OP? As that's the only reason I would come back same night, in case there was a practical emergency and the children couldnt be left. Or anyone who could help out with the livestock if there was? If arable, then I wouldn't bat an eyelid about staying out...

The farm is his baby, OP, and nobody will ever look after it as well as he can (even if your FIL is capable)! Farmers and their farms are like Gollum is with gold, i.e. "My precious!" Is he concerned about the price of a hotel stay, looking after the children on his own, or is he incapable of running a house for the short time that you would be away? (Believe me, I know of a farmer who is excellent at farming, but has been known to microwave tinfoil... the extent of his cookery levels is warming tinned soup up). Also, a fair few farmers feel a bit out of place in noisy crowds in the non-farming world.

You go and enjoy your party. Be frivolous and spend a night at a hotel. Then come home in the morning and put your farm wellies back on.

No, don't drive home, you'll be exhausted.
Why don't you ask his brother, if he can help DH with the children and work? Surely you know them well.

You will come to resent DH if your not able to have one full night away.
The farm might be his baby, however his wife is also important.
Have fun.

DH is being very unreasonable. If he’s firmly decided not to attend with you (poor) he should parent his DC until your return the next day. His solution is a shit one for you.

He would prefer you drive home alone at midnight, than spend time and have fun with your family.

He sounds like a snobby, judgemental miserable bastard.

He views his family as far more important than yours. Was this apparent before you married, or did it happen over time after the wedding?

So what? It's a knees up and she wants to enjoy herself!

God - he’d rather you drive home knackered at 2am? Than the following morning. That doesn’t even sound safe. You’ll be knackered. He sounds selfish and controlling.

Stay and don’t give it any more headspace. He’s being ridiculous.

The only change I would make is that I would book myself into a lovely hotel

So what?

A reception is just a party after a wedding. Does it matter if it's 2 hours or 2 years later?

Stay overnight and have a good time.

Does your dh appreciate you? Does he show his appreciation? When was the last time he brought you a bunch of flowers?

Stay in your home town

@McNeddy yes it is livestock. But right now the silage is done and all that will need to be done on the Sunday morning is a quick check on cattle. But FIL can do it. Or DH sometimes does it with the 3 yr old so he could have both kids with him - he does it from the jeep so they can be in their car seats.

@Poopeepoopee he isn't the sort to buy flowers/ be romantic in that way but I think he does show his appreciation in many ways.

@BusWankers I didn't bother replying to that other posted, I agree even tho there has been a time lapse it is still their wedding celebration.

@ExtraOnions just had a look they are all very pricey for what would be a few hours so I will try get into one of my relatives but I'd love it!

Well seeing as he won’t let BIL help he’s made the rod for his own back.

go and enjoy, leave him to it

There are solutions, he doesn’t want them. Great, he can come up with one then. One that doesn’t involve you missing out.

You should defo stay over. Who wants to drive after an Irish or indeed any wedding?! Sad that your H won’t get his sibling to do it. I know what farmers are like (I got married in Feb during lambing season 🤪) but so inportant to prioritise to your relationship

I am, but how do you know I'm Irish :)

Why doesn't he drive?
That way, you can have a bit of a knees up and have a kip on the way home.

Stay the night. Nothing to make people appreciate what you do like not doing it for a bit - even if it's only one day or night.

He's not coming. I don't mind not drinking, and needing to drive. I'll be flat out on the dance floor either way :D