‘I don’t want to intrude’ manipulative or considerate.

[Afterhoursfrance]

I take part in a voluntary activity. It runs most days and easier to do in pairs for most people. Over time volunteers have paired up but it’s not exclusive. If one can’t make it someone else will step in and if someone wants to help on a day when there’s already a pair they can go along and help too.

Over time Jane and Clair (not their names) have paired up but Jane sometimes does an extra shift with her partner. Lucy is part of the WhatsApp group but only goes along every few months. She’s not disabled but does have mobility problems so it depends how she feels and what the weather’s like (it’s outdoors)

Lucy posted a few days ago asking if she could join whoever was doing the activity one day this week. Jane replied and said sure. Clair didn’t reply. She’s not very active on the group and I happen to know she’s just come out of hospital and a bit preoccupied but it’s not my place to say. Last night Jane posted to check if Clair was still coming this week. To which Lucy replied, thanking Jane for allowing (!) her to join them but it ‘would be best’ if she didn’t. Jane asked if she was ok and Lucy replied, she was fine but didn’t want to intrude. Jane said she wasn’t intruding, she’d just been checking if Clair was still joining them

This has pushed a button in me I didn’t know I had. It just feels so manipulative. Jane had already said it was fine but it seems that Lucy needed Clair to respond too. It’s just not how group works. And what is Jane supposed to say ‘yes, that’s for the best because you would be intruding’. It reminds me of my grandmother who couldn’t be invited anywhere - birthday, Christmas, day trip, without telling us all she knew how much of a burden she was and that none of us really wanted her there. It got so that you’d have to butter her up and almost apologise for inviting her in the first place.
Clair replied a few hours later saying ‘yes, see you then’

So YABU - Lucy is being considerate and making sure she isn’t intruding and Clair should have responded to her initial request

YANBU - Lucy is being a martyr and manipulative. For the avoidance of doubt I think this, plus her behaviour has put me off having anything to do with her (I haven’t actually met her yet)

This sounds like a totally normal interaction that you're projecting your own issues onto.

She doesn't attend often so just wanted a bit of reassurance she wasn't putting anyone out.

I think it could be secret option number 3 - Lucy is perhaps a bit insecure. She has read Clair's lack of response to her request to join as either that she doesn't care or doesn't want her there. Jane then messaged Clair who responded to confirm, so Lucy is reading that as her not being welcome possibly by either party (if Jane didn't also check Lucy was still coming). If Lucy has mobility issues and can't always make things, she's probably much more heightened about being out of the fold and whether she's welcome.

What issues have you got that are relevant to this and the way you are seeing this? That you haven't disclosed

Another one to say this sounds more like Lucy being insecure and your (IMO over-) reaction to it sounds like it's due to a trigger you have.

Is it just due to your grandmother, or have you had other experiences like that in your life?

Yes I've never seen "I don't want to intrude" used like this and it comes across as manipulative stemming from Lucy's deep insecurities. If she was just insecure she could say "sorry I'm not able to come now" but saying "I don't want to intrude" puts it back on the other volunteers and makes them responsible for Lucy's inclusion/happiness when they're all adults. It's passive-aggressive.

The best way to deal with people like that is to pretend to be oblivious to the manipulation and just go ahead with a response ignoring the comment and taking them at their face value like, "no worries if you're busy, we'll see you another time".

Some people I think do genuinely want to check they are not intruding, but I agree that some people do use it as a passive aggressive way of pointing out that they have not received the welcome they were expecting.
Either way, no one ever says, yes you are actually! So it’s a bit of a pointless question if you’re asking it genuinely.
In this case Lucy wanted reassurance from both in the pair that she was welcome. The fact that Clair hadn’t responded has made her think she isn’t, rather than actually Clair is just preoccupied with more important things. It does feel a bit insecure, at worst there’s potential for main character syndrome. I think I would assume the best based off this one incident.

I’ve explained why I think it’s manipulative. It reminds me of my grandmother’s behaviour.
Lucy asked to join in, Jane said yes. Then Lucy replied to a message directed at clair to say she wasn’t going to go because she don’t want to intrude. No one implied she was intruding. She was seeking reassurance by suggesting she was unwelcome. And because Clair hadn’t responded it seemed a direct accusation against her

there are a few dozen people in the group and i don’t think most of us know more than a handful so it’s not like Lucy is an outsider.

I fully accept it’s my baggage!

I think there's a third option. You are way to invested on what other people are doing.

yep, certainly interested right now but I’m sure it’ll pass

That’s totally fair and logical. It still got my back up but accept that’s a me problem. I still think it’s pointed at Clair who might have felt she didn’t need to also reply once Jane had. That’s not a snub, I wouldn’t feel the need to reply if my partner already had

it isn't rude.. i get why you're perceiving it that way because of your history, but my assumption would be Lucy thinks Clair's lack of initial response is because she doesn't want her there. Then Jane check if Clair is coming looks like she's making sure the person she actually likes IS coming, so now Lucy feels doubly unwanted.

She's not being rude, she's insecure and feels unwelcome.

I think it's an interaction between others that has nothing to do with you. You're guessing at Lucy's intention because you don't actually know if she's worried about intruding or if she's indeed being manipulative. Either way, it doesn't involve you so I'm not sure why it's got your back up!