What do you spend on GC?

[Nearly50butdontfeelit]

10 years age difference between me and DH. He has GC. Myself and Step C do not get on- they've always made life difficult for me despite my DH and his ex wife divorcing years before we met. I do not have any relationship with them or the GC.
DH was out of work for a few months. I am main breadwinner and we managed. He took out a credit card with the view of paying back once work resumed. During his time off, Xmas came along and he spent over £900 buying his 3 GC gifts.
The 0% period has expired and he can only make minimum payments. He now wants us to get a loan for home improvements and pay off this debt, £500 overdraft and his old credit card with £450. The home improvement is needed. The issue is because of his credit history, I have to get the loan- approx £8k.
Im a little bit annoyed at the amount he spent on the GC- they give him a wish list with expensive items. He bought their main gifts whilst the parents buy tat. So a bit resentful that the loan would cover that. However, he is going to make the repayments which are lower than what he pays out now ( consolidate debt and pay for home improvements)
AIBU because I dont know what its like to have GC? Maybe resentful because of the relationship dynamics? Or is it because i have to sort the loan? Help!

I would be bloody resentful too, OP. When you’re out of work and being supported by somebody else, it’s not the time to be super extravagant with Christmas presents.

because of his actions, in effect it’s you that is now on the hook for it. I would be really upset about that.

That's crazy. I dont have GC but my DC recieve Christmas gifts around £60 max each from Grandparents - and I feel like this is generous

Dh has 3 gc under 9. He spends maximum £75 each on them at Xmas

Out parents give the kids gifts of between £30 and £50 for birthdays and Christmas. That's always seemed very reasonable to me.

I know some grandparents buy very extravagant gifts but, in my experience, most don't.

I’ve got 3 step grandchildren. They get £30 each at Xmas and birthdays. My own children are still at the age where they receive presents (like you, my DH is older).
I’d be very resentful in your shoes as well.

I give my grandchildren and 2 great grandchildren £10 for birthdays and £20 each for Christmas most of the older ones are teens and above so easier to give them all money

For their very recent birthdays (10 and 9) we gave the Gdcs £40 each, plus small presents costing about £25 each. Christmas will be similar.

However we’re also saving into junior S&S ISAs for them.

So in addition to £900 on the CC which is now accruing interest there is also another debt of £500, and an old CC debt for £450.

He now wants us to get a loan for home improvements and pay off this debt

I bet he does!

Regardless of what people spend on their GC I wouldn't be taking out any loan to pay off his debts.

It doesn't really matter how much others spend, your DH is spending more than he can afford on his GC.

He won't buy their affection or improve the family dynamics with money, sadly. If his DCs and GCs are only interested in him because of the expensive presents he buys them, he is doomed to hurt and disappointment in his relationship with them in future.

Those are the harsh facts OP, as I'm sure you are fully aware. How you proceed is more tricky.

That's an insane amount of money for him to spend when he was out of work on anyone and anything and way too much for Christmas presents - divide the number by 10 for a reasonable amount.

The only person who should be paying that back is him and it should entirely come from his 'spends'.

No way on earth that I would be signing up to a loan to allow someone else to be profligate with my hard earned money.

I think what hurt the most is that we decided to spend an agreed amount of each other (£50) as things were tight.
At Xmas, I spent £300 on my two adult sons who live with us but, I didnt put myself in debt over it. He does it for his GC because his children plead poverty. They work but only PT/ one on benefits but xan affird to go on caravan holidays! But that's another thread! So he doesn't do it to buy their love but because he wants them to have what we couldn't as children. We both had a frugal upbringing. However, we are still in a society where not all children have what they want- he can't see that. He says he wants them to have what we didn't. I agree to a certain extent but not to be put in debt. I also feel its thaparents job to provide main presents!

Meant to say thank you to everyone! Thought my opinions might have been based on the relationship dynamics with the step kids. The relationships are very difficult and causes a lot of resentment on my part ( but they are awful to me too).

We have 7 GC. They each get £50 for Christmas given to their parents who can either buy them something that they need/want or put it into their savings accounts.

Sounds like it is a lot of money. Regardless, he couldn’t afford it so YANBU.

What did he get you for Xmas OP?

Mine get about 50 each Xmas from GP and 20 ISH for bdsy both sides also contribute to stock and share iza. And they get small gifts

But no replies are relevant because he can't afford it

Did they know he was out of work?

Has he always brought expensive gifts?

I had £50 gift- gym wear as we agreed on a £50 limit.
Yes, they knew he was out of work but because I have a good job and we are usually sensible with money, they think we are 'well off.' We have a nice house but have worked hard ( plus Im the main breadwinner ) so its my salary that mainly pays for the extras like holidays etc. He does contribute as per his salary.
Yes, always bought expensive gifts- much to my annoyance.

I think im just super annoyed financially and its all built up
We are married but the house mortgage is in my name

We have 2 children each plus he has a step daughter that he has had in his life since she was a toddler, no e together.
We cannot agree on a will. I say if anything happened to us both, my kids get 50% ( per 2) and his 3 get 50%.
He disagrees saying it should be split 5 ways.
Why? The step daughter is not his ( doesn't call him dad) and why should my kids get less? Especially as Im main breadwinner ner a d have put significantly more into the house.
Oh how im opening another thread now ....🤣🤣

My parents started the tradition of having a family meal for 12th Night (Epiphany). Everyone invited, we would muck in firstly removing the Christmas decorations, then making salads & other buffet type food. We'd go to Mass & after that the fun would start. We took our lead from old fashioned Christmases & 12th Night celebrations. We would 'elect' a 'King' & 'Queen' for the evening -children made crowns for them in the afternoon while adults were busy. Mum would set up a table with a jigsaw puzzle. No TV was allowed so we all sang, told stories & jokes. Everyone brought a present according to how many people they brought - eg: if it was mum, dad & 2 DCs they would bring 4 presents, that way there were enough for everyone, though mum would always have a few 'in hand' for surprise guests or in case there wasn't enough for everyone to have the same amount each if you get my drift) that would go into a lucky dip (the money limit increased over the years, but was never more than £2) there was a competition to buy the tackiest, the most silly & the most useful present with the winner getting a mars bar or similar. Great fun.

My DH & have continued the tradition - these days the present must have been bought for less than £3 & we've introduced the 'best charity shop find' as a category. Our family and friends say it's the best evening of Christmas & look forward to it every year.

Edited to explain the present thing.

Going on from my previous post...DH has suggested that we up the limit to £5 this year as very little that can be bought for £3 even in a charity shop post Christmas.

Last year I wrapped up some bananas - funny how little ones value getting a banana as long as it's wrapped up & part of a lucky dip! And then I told them their <late> great granny was 8 before she saw a banana because she was born during WW2. Then this starts my aunties off telling stories about my mother & grandmother being bombed out. Then someone decided to teach the kids 'The Lambeth Walk'. So there we were, 8pm at night doing the Lambeth Walk down the street - Hoy! Then the Conga. Kids loved it!😂

But what if it's the same next and the year after that? How long is your DH going to keep funding expensive presents on borrowed money? If £50 is good enough for your gift at Christmas then surely it's good enough for the grandchildren. You can get plenty for that if you shop wisely.

If I would be resentful if you have a strained relationship with his children. They have a bloody cheek expecting you to fund their Christmas.

I have 2 adult step children (older husband) and two teenagers with my husband.
I stand to inherit a large amount of money in the future (obviously this is not guaranteed) but I have told my husband 'my' 50% of our current joint assets is to be split between our two children and 'his' 50% will need to be split 4 ways.
If I inherit all of the remainder of my inheritance will go straight to my two children.
He is aware of this but as soon as I inherit the money I will be making water tight financial plans to ensure this happens. I don't dislike his children and will happily support them whilst I am alive (we have just handed over £1000 towards a big life event for example) but I want my children to be the overall benefactors of my families wealth (its all in assets, I am definitely not Lady Muck strolling around the village nodding at the commoners 🤣).
I your shoes @Nearly50butdontfeelit I would be putting my foot down about a lot more than Christmas presents.

I think I’d be very hurt OP. He is enjoying the high life based on your earnings and not cutting his cloth relevant to his own situation. There is no other way to say it but he is basically using your money to treat his family , a family you aren’t close to .