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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want FIL to tell his new gf I'm pregnant?

16 replies

hairymcleary · 30/05/2008 05:41

Quite a complicated situation. I'm 4 weeks pregnant and we'll be telling our families soon. However my lovely MIL passed away in December and my FIL has a new girlfriend. The new gf is MIL's best friends sister (got that?!)
I don't really want FIL to tell his new gf that I'm pregnant yet, because I don't want anyone outside of family to know until 12 weeks. The gf's sister (who was MIL's best friend) is also DH's godmother and very close to DH and I don't think it's fair that the gf knows when his godmother doesn't.
I spose there's also a part of me that doesn't want the gf to know because my MIL would have been so pleased and isn't here to share it.
Is it unreasonable to tell FIL I'm pregnant, but ask him not to tell gf until I'm ready?

OP posts:

motherhurdicure · 30/05/2008 07:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

geordieminx · 30/05/2008 07:11

Whlst they havent been together that long and I can understand why you dont want her to know I think its unfair (although NU) to ask him to keep it from his gf. It could cause problems between them which is unfair.

Imagine back to a few months into your relationship with your dh, if someone in his family had told him they were expecting but not to tell you - would you hae been upset? I would have been

AbbeyA · 30/05/2008 07:26

I think that it is a straightforward case, you either tell him or you don't. You can't tell him and ask him not to tell gf, it is giving the message that you are not happy with his new relationship, if it turns out to be a long term one it will cause problems in the future.

lulumama · 30/05/2008 07:30

yes, yabu, because she is part of the family right now.. and picking and choosing will alienate her, and if it is a long term relationship it will sour things..

you are making a judgement about how you perceive her within the family unit...

at what point will you consider her a part of the family?

i can understand that you are sad your MIL is not here to be part of the happy news, but don't punish the girlfriend for that

you could potentially make things very difficult.

Freckle · 30/05/2008 07:32

Another option is to tell family and dh's godmother - that way she finds out before her sister and you don't have to ask FIL to keep secrets from his gf.

belgo · 30/05/2008 07:33

Agree with motherhurdicure. it's unreasonable to expect someone to keep a secret from their partner.

Wait until you are 12 weeks.

LazyLinePainterJane · 30/05/2008 07:41

YABU. Tell the godmother as well, or don't tell your dad yet.

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 30/05/2008 07:44

I hate all this so and so can know but someone else can't etc etc It's not such big news to everyone else. Most people don't really care unless they're specifically told not to. Agree with belgo.

DH's sister told him not to tell me she was pregnant (I'd only known her for 10 years at the time ) and they had some weirdy thing where they had to tell the parents at exactly the same time - both sets of parents on the phone or something. Anyway dh did tell me, then I was pissed off that he'd been told not to tell me, and I was pissed off with him for not saying that we don't keep secrets and then I had to pretend I didn't know which was ludicrous. In the meantime my mum guessed she was pregnant, so then it looked like we'd told her when we hadn't.

Either tell people or don't.

belgo · 30/05/2008 07:48

that's all very complicated jimjams! I have a friend who made me feel very bad for telling womeone else she was pregnant - but she was 4-5 months pregnant at the time so I assumed it wasn't a secret!

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 30/05/2008 07:58

oh goodness belgo that's crazy. I just feel like screaming 'no-one really cares that much'

belgo · 30/05/2008 08:01

I told a friend in confidence when in early pregnancy, and made it clear it was in confidence. She understood because we had both had miscarrriages.

When I got to the 10-12 week mark, I told her she could tell everyone, which she did, saving me the job.

AbbeyA · 30/05/2008 08:01

I never made a big thing of it! I certainly never had some some of charmed inner circle who got the news first! Just tell them all at the same time!

getbackinyouryurtjimjams · 30/05/2008 08:05

By the time I had ds3 stomach muscles were so shot near strangers were asking me if I was pregnant at 8 weeks so trying to hide it was pointless!

belgo · 30/05/2008 08:07

jimjams - yes I've been in maternity cloths since about 7 weeks, and had a few comments that I'd put on weight, so maybe I should have said something, but I really wanted to keep quiet until 10-12 weeks.

pleasecutmygrass · 30/05/2008 10:07

Hairymcleary - YANBU! And I'm sure it doesn't make you feel any better to be told how annoying it is that you care so much who knows and who doesn't!!

Whilst, however, YANBU, you are being unrealistic. This woman has obviously taken on a significant role in your FIL's life which I'm guessing you must resent a little so soon after your MIL's death? I agree with previous posters that telling your FIL then asking him not to tell his girlfriend will only cause problems. He will be too close to this woman to keep the secret and will probably not understand why you've asked him to do so in the first place. We lost our baby recently and DH's best friend called a few days later to ask if it was ok to pop down and see us. We couldn't believe it when he arrived with his new girlfriend in tow. It seemed insensitive and thoughtless yet he obviously wanted this woman to be involved in his life which meant being involved with us.

If you really don't want this woman to know yet then I agree you should wait. People don't really expect to be told until the 12 week mark (even close family in some cases) and there's no need for your FIL to find out anyone else knew before he did. What does your husband want to do incidentally?

cheesesarnie · 30/05/2008 10:13

id wait till 12 weeks-hard i know but surely easier than picking and chosing

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