Am I unreasonable for not wanting to go to this work event?

[Terracottafarmers]

I'm 30, live with my partner of 6 years, no kids. We're just wrapping up a big house renovation and I honestly love being at home even though it's a little chaotic...

I WFH and I’ve become more of a homebody over the last couple of years. I still see friends two sometimes three times a month and I’m always there if they need me, but I don’t feel the need to be out or message them all the time. I like a quiet, drama free life and I’m just as happy doing my own thing.

My long term close friend is the opposite very sociable, single, always out, still lives at home and her life is much more chaotic than mine. We both work for the same company. This week a colleague I'm close to is visiting the office as she lives far away, and there’s a work event arranged for her. My friend asked if I was going, and I said I considered it but no, I’ve got bits I’d rather do at home since the Reno and I can’t be bothered. I’ll see this colleague next month anyway and we message all the time. To be honest, I find work events really draining and I know this colleague feels the exact same and won't think twice if I don't go.

My friend said 'Weird you don’t want to see XYZ since you’re so close to her' which has made me second guess myself.

Am I rude by not going? Should I just make the effort? Or is it actually fine to admit I don’t want to socialise with colleagues I don’t care about and would rather just stay at home.

Apparently a lot of people on mumsnet don't know the difference between "unsocial", and "antisocial". Sigh.
OP, it's perfectly valid to not want to go out for whatever reason. But I suggest that in this instance it would be kind to go to the social anyway, as a gesture to the person for whom it is being organised that they are valued by you. Stay for an hour, then make an excuse about catching a train and head hone if you're uncomfortable or tired.

I think it’s always worth making the effort in your own life. It sounds like you are home a lot, so I’d make the effort one night for someone else.

I am also a homebody, but I almost always enjoy myself when I do go out.

You mention that one person is your close friend, and another person is a colleague that you are close to (if I'm not misunderstanding). I'm sure they will both appreciate you being there. Perhaps you will have fun?

I don't think you are rude if by not attending, but I think sometimes it's nice to go out and socialize for a while. You don't have to stay out until 4 in the morning.

I know you say she doesn't like work events either, but the fact that this is one is specifically for her I think she may bat an eyelid if you don't make the effort.

Obviously you don't have to, but I think it would be perceived as a snub if you didn't go.

I'm an introvert, and I would have made myself go.

I think if it a one-off event and the person was/is a good person to work with, then you should go. If they are unpleasant or useless, then you could decline with a good conscience, but that does not seem to be the case.

Why don’t you care about a colleague you say you are close to? That makes no sense.

Messaging is not a replacement for proper face to face contact.

I think it’s quite sad and rude that you wouldn’t go to see this person who you are apparently close to, simply because you can’t be bothered.

I’d definitely go. I’d be worried WFH is turning you into a semi-recluse. Humans need social interactions.

I would go in your position. You may find your friend feels differently about an event that is especially for her rather than any old work event. If you downprioritise her, she may put less effort into your friendship in return.

In your first post you literally wrote: “I can’t be bothered.”

Which, yes, to me is rude,

She’s obviously not that close of a colleague, and certainly not a friend, if you won’t make the effort on this one occasion.

This!

Messaging is what you do to keep a friendship going in-between meetups. I think it's totally bollocks when people thinks messaging constitutes a friendship. She's supposedly your friend! AND she doesn't like work events, but can't slide out of this one because it's in her honour. If you don't go in solidarity, you're a bitch. You'd be leaving her to socialise with a bunch of people she probably doesn't care about, whilst the one she'd enjoy chatting to is absent.

What's the work event?

Day in the office, and lunch together - weird not to bother yourself to go.

Massive expensive night out on the tiles - reasonable to opt out.

If you continually isolate yourself you'll find yourself isolated when you need people.

Exactly this. It seems a downward spiral for some who wfh and would rather just stay at home in the evenings and weekends.

I find it very sad as there is a whole world out there, experiences, adventurous. One can become apathetic, boring, reclusive.

I suppose however not everyone has a yearning for fun and interaction and are happy in their in their own little bubbles, so be it. Xx

Yep and is it really that hard to make the effort for one event amongst your own stay at home lifestyle?

To add, if a person doesn't make an effort then don't expect them to either. Friendships is both ways.

That’s a really important point. I’m really glad you mentioned it. I can’t quite get over “I can’t be bothered”. That’s not friendship.

yabu

you’re 30

what if your relationship breaks down? You shouldn’t neglect friendships

Yep. If you really value the visiting friend you risk damaging the relationship unless you have a very good reason not to go.

Go! You might have a great time. If you don’t you haven’t lost anything.

Agreed. Obviously it is up to you, but given you're at home all the time, I'd probably make the effort every now and then

I used to go to things like this as I felt obliged but no more!

I see my colleagues in person every few months for a couple of days and it drains me. That’s on me not them. I highly suspect I’m autistic - my 2 children are.

I am perfectly polite and friendly with colleagues but I won’t go over and above with meeting as it takes me days to recover from the overwhelm.

All I will say is you are very young to have such a restricted life. Staying at home doing "bits and pieces" can get pretty dull. You may find you get to 40/50/60 and wonder why you have no friends / social life.