To want some help

[Idontknowwhy15]

I’ve changed my name as my situation is very specific. I’m probably stupid posting on AIBU as I’m feeling very vulnerable right now so if I need telling to get a grip, if possible, please bear this in mind when telling me to do so.

I’ve miscarried but not passed the pregnancy yet. I should be ten weeks pregnant and I still feel tired, nauseous, etc. I’ve had to attend all the appointments to diagnose this by myself due to DH’s work commitments. This past week he has been on AL but he is back at work today.

DD has a badly broken leg. She is 7 and in a full leg cast. Her leg needs to be elevated at all times. She is in pain. To get her to the toilet you have to carry her upstairs, support her leg whilst she uses the loo and then carry her down again.

Our cat has injured his own leg, he can’t weight bear and it seems to be swollen. He needs to see the vet. DH keeps nagging me about this but I am cramping badly and emotional. I have no car. I’m unsure how I’m supposed to get the cat plus 3 children (with one in a wheelchair) to the vets without some help, which is not available.

I’m trying to make a hospital appointment to sort out the pregnancy. I can either have pills (in which case I need someone at home for 24 hours in case of bleeding issues) or anaesthetic and a d&c (in which case I need someone home with me in case of issues following the anaesthetic). I cannot have this procedure under a local anaesthetic as I have PTSD and find gynaecological examinations very distressing.

DH is off work on Wednesday and Thursday this week so these are my only options. He has said I cannot do it on Wednesday as he is due to have his daughter round. On Thursday morning my daughter has a clinic appointment for her leg which I also need to attend.

I’m just feeling very alone and unloved. I know this sounds pathetic but I don’t know how to cope with today. I asked if he could stay home but he says he can’t. I’m trying to WFH and deal with the children and he’s hassling me about the cat. He can’t make any useful contributions towards how to deal with the miscarriage. I feel likes he’s piled all the mental load onto me when I’m already falling apart with the physical load of a combination of pregnancy and miscarriage symptoms and having to lug a 7 year old around too.

Gosh that sounds awful, and I'm really sorry you are in this situation.
On a practical front, with your DD - could she stay upstairs in her bedroom for a day or two? Get her everything she needs to be comfortable and then when she needs the toilet there is no going up and down stairs.
Wednesday sounds like the best option. I'm sure this won't be easy, but can you tell your DH that he needs to look after both daughters on Wednesday while you go to the hospital? Can a friend go with you?
And to be honest, your husband doesn't sound very nice. (I'm putting it mildly.)

To put it bluntly, your DH is a fucking cunt and needs to either step up and actually support you or fuck off somewhere else because right now he's adding nothing of value to your life.

I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's shit and it's even shitter when you're doing it alone.

Tell him that on Wednesday he's is sorting the cat and on Thursday he is doing your daughter's hospital appointment. If he doesn't like it, tough shit.

Go get the pills. I've taken them before and, while it's not a pleasant experience, I did start to feel a lot better once I'd passed everything. It felt like I could start to move forwards rather than it all lingering on, it eased the cramps and physical symptoms, and it helped my hormone levels start to regulate themselves which improved my mood too.

Your DH needs to manage the two girls Wednesday by himself. Anything else is ridiculous.

Sorry for everything you are going through.

You need to be signed off work. I am not sure what your arrangement would be normally, but you shouldn't be working from home anyway with 3 children to care for. I would ask to be signed off due to the miscarriage as this is protected.

Your husband also needs to be taking time off to support you. You shouldn't be needing to plan medical care over what works best for him.

Ring the vet to make the appointment and get DH to take the cat in - do they have early/late appointments as many do, so he can do this before or after work.

Do you have any close friends who would be able to come and support you/help at home with your daughter?

Also to add, sorry for your loss. I was too focused thinking of what support you need to say this.

My first post was so waffley. Sorry

I don’t have any support locally. My sister has offered to travel 200 miles to help me but this would involve her taking time off work which seems unreasonable when my husband won’t do the same.

I’ve 3 children and he has 1. We don’t share any. I wasn’t even sure if I was going to proceed with this pregnancy as it was accidental but now it’s over my hormones are really screwing with me and I feel really down and emotional.

By way of an update. I’m having to go to hospital this afternoon now. I’m hoping my sister will arrive soon so I can book the taxi.

YANBU, he needs to take the cat to work either before or after work, it's ridiculous that he's expecting you to deal with that on top of everything else you have going on.

It sounds like you need to book your hospital appointment for Wednesday. He needs to take some time out of his day to pick you up from hospital, even if you have to make your own way in (it would be pretty shitty of him to make you do this). He doesn't need to watch over you after you come out of hospital, just needs to let you rest and check in on you occasionally, so it's not like he won't get to spend any time with his daughter.

I’m sorry to hear you are dealing with all of this.

Has he even been a support over the past week while he was off work? Is he unable to take emergency leave for you to be able to attend hospital?

Duplicate post deleted.

Tell him he needs to take the cat and stop being a selfish fuck. 🫂

He says he cannot take emergency leave as he had to take a couple of days in May when I was admitted to hospital for gall stones and had my gall bladder removed as emergency surgery.

While you’re getting sorted in one way also get rid of the deadwood that’s hanging round your neck - “D” H - and you’ll find you feel a lot better about everything

Bloody hell OP, I'm so sorry 😞 you are really going through it and your partner is being cruel and uncaring. Sending you strength to get through this difficult time and I hope that when you're feeling stronger you will seriously consider that you would be better off without this horrible man in your life.

So what does he propose you do then? If he’s so capable and could keep all the plates spinning how does he suggest it all gets done?

Book the appointments for you, your daughter and the cat on Wednesday and Thursday when your husband is off. His daughter will have to come too. If he loves you and your joint daughter and the cat, that is the end of the story. If he complains think about divorce!

He needs to juggle the cat and the kids on Wednesday and Thursday while you take care of yourself but hopefully he is home by now and being of some use.

Oh I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with all of this alone. He sounds like a right tool!

I’m sorry you’re going through this. You don’t sound pathetic at all, you sound totally unsupported.

He absolutely needs to take some time off. What if someone died? His leave in May would be irrelevant. This is no different. You can’t do it all on your own - I am shocked he has been hassling you about the cat! What planet is he on?