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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Help me step back guilt-free

7 replies

PoliteSquid · 18/08/2025 10:48

My friend has hugely complicated health problems and is registered disabled. Often when we go out I join her as her carer which means I need to be aware of how to give emergency treatment etc. More recently, I supported her by driving her to and from hospital/hospice as her parent was dying - she didn’t feel up to it. And this is where the problems have started - I am now the go-to person to ask. My job is very flexible but her demands on my time have become unreasonable. I’ve told her I do actually need to focus on my work and have started saying no. Funnily enough the appt she has coming up I’ve said no to, as has another friend, and all of a sudden she’s capable of driving herself. So she’s more capable than she lets on.

What I’m struggling with is the guilt I feel for not helping as much! But I’m also furious that I let her ‘needs’ affect my family life and work life. There is so much more I could say about our friendship…. However I need to step back - how do I get over this guilt??

OP posts:
NewYorkSummer · 18/08/2025 15:29

I’m not sure how you get over the guilt, but I think the more you refuse to help the more you’ll realise you’re doing the right thing and I think the guilt feeling will eventually ease away. It’s nice to help once in a while but your friend definitely sounds like she’s taking advantage.

MamaElephantMama · 18/08/2025 15:30

You shouldn’t feel guilty for putting yourself first. She’s proved she is capable.

ComfortFoodCafe · 18/08/2025 15:30

Shes obviously more able than shes letting on if she can drive herself after pretending she couldnt.
I would completely step back before you end up being her full time carer.

PoliteSquid · 18/08/2025 15:55

ComfortFoodCafe · 18/08/2025 15:30

Shes obviously more able than shes letting on if she can drive herself after pretending she couldnt.
I would completely step back before you end up being her full time carer.

This is my biggest fear! She mentioned giving me LPoA a while ago but I said I needed to discuss with DH. It’s not been mentioned again.

OP posts:
NewYorkSummer · 18/08/2025 15:57

PoliteSquid · 18/08/2025 15:55

This is my biggest fear! She mentioned giving me LPoA a while ago but I said I needed to discuss with DH. It’s not been mentioned again.

Absolutely don’t do this. It could become a severe burden. Put the blame on your husband if need be, but definitely don’t agree to it.

Frenchfemme · 18/08/2025 16:15

Instead of feeling guilty, look on it as giving your friend the gift of encouraging her to reclaim her independence. She can thank you later…

jeaux90 · 18/08/2025 16:52

Sometimes people need a good shove to do stuff for themselves that get their confidence back up

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