To want to drive off with the dog and never come back?

[FullNestSyndrome]

I am burnt out and so done with parenting. I have a 21 year old and a 15 year old, both ND.

21 doesn’t work, she has other health problems meaning she has very little energy, she cannot manage socially and has very little to no common sense. Relies on me for everything.

15 year old hasn’t been in school much for over 3 years, she can’t cope with mainstream. Finally been granted an EHCP for her, but only just.

I have health problems of my own and have recently been trying to build up the amount I’m working because I’m very aware that any disability benefits we currently get are likely to stop in the not too distant future due to the changes being made. And then we are screwed. But in working more, I’ve been really struggling myself and have zero capacity to do anything else, eg housework, so the house looks like a complete shithole. And I am constantly in pain because I’ve been overdoing it. And no the DC won’t help, believe me I’ve lost my shit with them enough times and they are still useless in that regard.

So today I’ve had DD1 locking herself in the bathroom and just wailing and crying, and refusing to speak. She does that from time to time and sounds like an animal being tortured which is hard to hear, but won’t respond if you try to ask her what’s wrong.

And DD2 arguing with me endlessly that she doesn’t want to go to a specialist school and she doesn’t want to be put back a year, even though she’s missed 3 years of school, and that she’ll be perfectly able to catch up on that time as well as do all her GCSE work in the 2 terms she’ll have before the exams.

I am done. I’m so done. This has been my life for over 21 years. It’s all too much and I honestly feel like packing the car, taking the dog, driving off and leaving them to it. Obviously I won’t but I could quite happily right now :(

you poor thing. Sounds horrific. Are you a single parent? I do t have any experience or advice I’m afraid but wanted to send a hug after reading this. Hopefully today was a particularly bad day and tomorrow might be a tiny bit better.. ‘nothing stays the same forever’ has got me through some tough times. Have you friends/ family to lean on?

Why are you taking the dog? Your kids will appreciate the dog and you can do without it. For this reason, I don't think t you're serious, you just need a holiday l. Life is tough x

Thank you, yes single parent. I don’t have many friends, I do have a boyfriend who is great but he lives hours away. Trouble is, I don’t know if there’s ever going to be an end to it, until I die. DD1 in particular is so far off being able to be independent. DD2 has more confidence but it tends to get her involved in bad situations and she’s drawn to the ‘naughty kids’ so god knows what will become of her.

It sounds so so hard . Not a lot of positives described in the household . Something has to change otherwise the rest of your life will look like that . Do you ever see your daughters living independently and leading normal lives , jobs , friends , hobbies .

It’s my dog, neither of the kids give a shit about the dog.

Do what you need to do. You take the dog- you have responsibility. You don't take the dog - they learn. Either way, drive off for a while x

It’s hard to imagine at the moment. Currently I am trying to get to a point where we can at least survive at a basic level when we lose the benefits we get but all that’s happening is the kids aren’t getting the input they need, I’m completely exhausted and I’m still way off earning the kind of amount we would need to live. But there’s no point in waiting until it happens, I need to be proactive now in trying to get into a more independent position financially.

What would happen if you did drive away for say three hours? What’s the longest you can leave them for, if at all? Sending hugs anyway. X

Thanks. They’d be fine, but I’d come back 3 hours later and it would be the same.

You fool

OP, where is the father? His family? Your family?

What is put in place in the event of your death?

It is guaranteed that you won't live forever, so what do you think will happen and why can't your eldest live in supported accommodation now?

Can their father take some responsibility, apologies if he is no longer with us.

This is one of the dumbest and most unhelpful comments I've ever seen on Mumsnet.

Poor you OP, this is unbelievably tough and you’re running on empty, wish you had someone to offer respite

They have different dads. DD1’s dad has no money and has a terminal illness. DD2’s father hasn’t been in the picture her whole life, due to domestic abuse. If I died, honestly I don’t know what would happen, it’s something I worry about a lot.

Is there a specific ND local charity supporting your DC? How about a specific unpaid carers local charity? Have you been in touch with Disability Social Work for your DC? Will your eldest meet with CAB to get started on a UC and PIP claim? I use the Enquire Scotland helpline for advice - is there an alternative for you?

That sounds really tough. Is your elder daughter on the social care radar at all? I am wondering whether you could be eligible for a carers assessment ?
Sounds like you need some practical support. Is anything going in Section H of DD2’s EHCP about Short Breaks?
I would call your local SENDIAS service - they cover 0-25 not just 0-18. There may be other services and sources of support you could access.
Best of luck x

I'm going to give you a slightly different take on things. Changes to your benefits are not hapenning now. I can see why you want to try and increase your hours, but that isn't working out ok right now - you said you feel burnt out and constantly panicked. So, I think the immediate problem is to sort you out, everything else can wait. If you break, you won't be able to work and you won't be able to support your girls and you won't be able to function day-to-day. My first step would be to reduce your hours back to where you feel you're coping better. Once you feel a bit more on an even keel I'd then look at getting more support for you (maybe via your GP) and trying to start making a longer term plan for your eldest so you feel less trapped / as if this is your life forever.

I have contacted SS about both of them. They came out to do a carers assessment re DD1 but basically said there’s nothing they can offer as there’s no money in the pot to offer anything. I was at breaking point a couple of years ago with DD2 and a SW from the children’s disability team came out and did an assessment, said we needed support and put us on the waiting list. We are still on the waiting list, that will be 2 years in October. The system is broken and it seems like I just have to muddle on.

I feel for you I really do. I'm in a not dissimilar situation with young adult DCs and it is exhausting even not being a single parent. I imagine the burden feels a whole lot more on your own. So YANBU at all to want to run away.

I do think this may be a "put your own oxygen mask on first" situation. If you can't hold it together it will be terrible for all of you. I would hold off worrying about cuts in benefits for now. Nothing is certain there anyway. I think you need to reduce your hours to coping level.

I really hope things get better for you. Fwiw I've known a few ND girls who have just been a few years behind their peers in maturity levels. They did get there though and become more independent. So fingers crossed (for us both).