Do I just need to 'sort my head out' or am I being rational to worry?

[BreezyPeachStork]

My DH and I had a baby 5 weeks ago and are honestly on the edge of divorce as he is so fed up of me. It mostly stems around formula feeding and safely preparing formula. I really wanted to breastfeed but wasn't able to so when we left hospital (we were in hospital for almost a week as I had problems after the birth) we switched to formula feeding. I get really anxious that if we don't prepare the formula safely our DS could get ill. My husband gets angry that I want to follow the guidance exactly to the letter and that I dont have any common sense. Some of what I've done that has annoyed him I accept was me being over anxious (for example, discarding water that was 69.7 degrees and boiling fresh water). However, in other regards I feel I am being reasonable. For example, my husband checked the temperature of a bottle yesterday by taking the lid off it and dipping his fingers in the milk, which to me makes the whole feed not sterile. I suggested that we each do things our own way, as we've both had the exact same guidance and can make informed decisions. However I can't help but say something if I disagree with him and he gets annoyed that I have no common sense and stop him being able to parent by interfering in things he does. We had another argument in the car yesterday afternoon as we were discussing that our DS will likely outgrow his car seat before he is 15 months old. I said if that happens we will need a new rearfacing seat as it is safer and also legally he needs to be rear facing until he is 15 months old. My husband said if he outgrows it a year old we can just get a forward facing seat and not to waste money and do I think everyone whose 14 month old outgrows their seat gets a new rear facing seat just because it's the law. I just need some guidance from other first time Mums. What level of anxiety is normal? Do I need to sort my head out (my DH's words) or are these things reasonable to be anxious over? And how do I stop interfering so that my husband can be an active and confident parent to our son, but at the same time not worry?

The early days are hard. You are suddenly responsible for this precious life you’ve created, but are sleep deprived, exhausted and ratty with each other, and no one but you knows how best to care for this little one you’ve grown and birthed …or so you think.
I remember a few weeks in DH were the same, it did settle down but for a time I was criticising everything he did because it wasn’t exactly how I would do it.
Just take things day by day. There is no need to worry about a car seat that won’t even need to be needed for well over 12 months.
Maybe have a chat to your midwife at baby clinic -Do they even still exist?-she will be able to reassure you about your concerns and will know if your anxiety is more than the usual level, but he absolutely shouldn’t be sticking his fingers in the milk!
Congratulations on the safe arrival of your baby

You do sound OTT but you’re a new mum and it’s expected. The important thing is that you’re both communicating and you’re letting him know that yes you may be doing some things that over over bearing but you’re trying your hardest to realise that and relax.

You need to remember that he is also an equal parent to your child and you have to let him play his role and make decisions otherwise he’ll feel like a spare part and resent you.

Stop worrying about things way out in the future like new car seats and just stick to the week ahead of you.

You said you suggested you each do things you own way (sensible), so you need to deal with your anxiety yourself and let him get on with that.

There are a few things that directly impact immediate safety, with a high risk of harm. Other than those, just let him do things his way.
It's normal (although unhelpful) to be anxious, but babies are far more resilient than you think.

Also, while you do want things to be adequately clean, you do understand that babies absorb bacteria and need that to develop a healthy gut microbiome, to the extent that in some places, if the baby didn't have a vaginal birth, where he would end up consuming vaginal fluids, blood and other things that help kick start his microbiome during the birthing process, they wipe a vaginal bacteria-covered cloth over the baby's face, skin, mouth to mimic that process? It's called vaginal seeding.

Unless DH has been doing something particularly filthy with his hands, it's really quite unlikely to make much difference, even if it's not ideal/textbook.

For example, my husband checked the temperature of a bottle yesterday by taking the lid off it and dipping his fingers in the milk
Does he not know that you test it on the inside of your wrist. Your fingers have a higher tolerance of heat thats why you use your elbow to test bath water too.
If you are anxious about the water temperature you can get a kettle that only heats to 70 degrees.
You do have to follow the exact instructions on the tin if not the concentration of the formula will be to weak or to concentrated which can cause problems.

I think YABU regarding the milk. Imagine what they did 60 years ago without thermometers everywhere. Sometimes babies will put things in the month, so unless your DH has extremely dirty hands, it’ll be fine. I understand it’s an anxious time and you’re all still getting used to it. But you can’t say to him to each do your own thing and then still comment on what he’s doing. That would drive me mad too!!

Can you tackle it another way and explain to him that your body and your hormones are ensuring the survival of your child. Instead of you changing to suit him he needs to adjust his expectations to support you. You’ve just given birth. He should be supporting you by putting your needs before his own. You sound like you’re trying your best to compromise and he sounds like he’s just criticising you.

FWIW I wouldn’t be happy with him sticking his fingers in a newborn’s bottle. Once they start crawling and basically licking the floor everyone will relax a bit about germs.

Re the car seat, leave that conversation for the future. Hopefully by then you’ll both be in a better place.

A bit of both I think. I think you do sound a little bit over the top, but saying that the first few weeks are really hard and your hormones will be all over the place. Your husband should therefore be doing everything he can to support you, not arguing over milk and car seats with you. Honestly, I don’t know what I would have done without my husbands support those first few months, even though in hindsight I can see I probably was being a bit unreasonable.

You are being super anxious and maybe a little obsessional. His job is also to protect his baby and keep them safe but he must be allowed to do so.
Try to focus on what he's doing well and support each other. Try to make sure you're getting properly rested too and maybe check in with your HV. Babies are much more resilient than you think, and save that car seat debate for next year!

Oh @BreezyPeachStork you are in the middle of the hardest and most head scrambling part of having a baby. Not only are you trying to keep this little baby “alive” but doing so with hormones going haywire and no sleep.

Definitely park the car seat debate - not a hill to die on right now!!

But with the finger in milk thing it is more about testing proper temperature than hygiene hence testing it on wrist (as someone has already said)

But emotionally I totally get the anxiety amd need for control. Being a new mother is 10x harder than being a new Father due to the hormones, exhaustion from the birth itself and the very visceral “mothering” instinct that must exist to keep babies safe in the early months. It is not an equal level of stress.

If you can find a time to talk to your DH in a more neutral environment (maybe on a walk with you baby asleep in the pushchair?) it will help. Explain that you are not trying to be controlling and can be help you by following a few standard ways of doing things which will help manage your understandable anxiety.

And I know you don’t believe it now but it does get easier and before you know it your baby will be licking doors, chewing random objects that are definitely not sterile 😬

Try to relax a bit. No point in worrying about a new car seat that you may or may not need. Sticking his fingers in the milk is off, inside of the elbow from the bottle is easier and more hygienic. I'm sure your baby will be fine with two caring parents.

YABU because YOU suggested each doing your own thing but then you "can't help but say something if I disagree with him."

firstly it's ridiculous to say you "can't help but say something," - you're an adult, unless you have some sort of disorder of course you can physically stop yourself from saying something if you want to. Secondly because it sounds like what you meant is 'You leave me alone and don't nag me when I do it my way but I'll still tell you you're doing it wrong when you do it your way." Which is objectively and obviously unfair no matter what the argument is.

Also some of your examples do sound pretty ridiculous. 0.3 of a degree, ffs!

Honestly, some of this will be postnatal hormones where your safety drive for the baby is in absolute overdrive.

I also had arguments like this about things like formula preparation. Stuff like whether DH had touched his jeans halfway through making it and hadn't washed his hands again. Even though this is literally the recommendation, it's total overkill because it doesn't need to be THAT sterile when you're feeding pretty much straight away, but it felt like a life or death critical issue to me at the time.

See if DH can give you a bit of leeway to just be OTT for a bit, in the knowledge you will probably relax about things soon. Get him to talk to any friends he has who are involved, kind dads who have probably experienced this stage before. At the same time, try to give him space to make mistakes. You will both make mistakes, it's part of parenting and it's very helpful if you don't jump on him the moment he does, because culturally, there is already so much bias in the direction of mums being the "default parent", and long term you don't want this, even if your brain is currently insisting that you need to have total control because he gets things wrong.

WRT the car seat, don't stress about this now. First of all 15 months is a long way away and babies' growth often slows down.

Secondly, he's bound to want a whizzy spinny one, because a lot of men love a gadget, and they ALL rear face up to 105cm which is about age 4. The seats from 9 months which are only forward facing just aren't really sold any more. He's out of date in assuming this is the next type of seat to get, but when you get there he will find out what's currently available and you'll make a decision together. Don't worry

If the obsessive thoughts about miniscule details and compulsive need to correct things continue past about 6-8 weeks postpartum, or they are taking over your life to the point you can't sleep or can't let DH do his thing, talk to your midwife/HV/GP as it might be postnatal anxiety.