The mental load

[JamDisaster]

Much discussed on MN. I thought this was an interesting read https://open.substack.com/pub/otherinterests/p/your-husband-wont-pick-up-the-mental?r=1nyaf&utm_medium=ios

Obviously the writer extrapolates a lot from her own childhood experience, but I also think there’s some truth in it- not for all men but for many- and that even in more functional households some of the things which would get dropped are the things which contribute to the feeling of a secure home- small things maybe and none of them on their own are determinative, but lose them all and you would lose a great deal.

It took a long time to get to the point but yes, I completely agree. And actually, a similar dynamic to hers is what i have gone with - i accept that mental load but dh does more of the actual physical tasks.

I do like how she highlights that men just dont care, don't get judged etc because I completely agree. A friend has pointed out thatvher dh rolls his eyes at some of the things she does/thinks about but that these things are what make the kids lives better and while they cant articulate it, it's why they would rather be with her. He sees this as her problem she has created for herself, rather than any ability yo acknowledge that their children are dependent on them and that making their life better is a basic tenet of parenting.

She’s spot on. Men simply don’t care enough to do all of the things that make our kids lives better/functional and just wouldn’t bother (or even think about it) if we didn’t do it.

My DH has never done anything school related or organised parties, play dates, medical appointments, buying clothes etc and tbh I just wouldn’t trust him to do it properly, just like the OP in the article re: the EpiPen.

In fact I would go so far as to say he comes to parent’s evening more to please me, rather than wanting to know about our kids education! Quite depressing really and I am a bit resentful.

Ultimately I think most men are selfish and many wouldn’t really choose to have kids if it wasn’t for the partner.

So true of the majority of men. Then again women have to carry the baby so I think the connection is different. Even with dads that do do some of this it would be extremely rare for a dad to be an equal parent

I also think it comes down to selfishness. Things like playdates - men think 'well, the kids don't NEED to go on them' so they don't bother to arrange them. And yes, no child will die from the lack of playdates, but it adds so much to the enrichment of life that mums tend to pull out the stops. Birthday parties, days out, school events - all things that nobody died from not having, and which can be a bit tedious to arrange, and that add to life. Men would often think that the kids could just stay home and that all the arrangements are just women making work for themselves.

One point that gets made a lot around mental load is that "men don't have people at work telling them what to do all day", but actually, they do. It might be systems, like project management tools or inboxes or apps, but it's still structure and hierarchy and instructions, nothing like the freeflow structure and intuition needed to manage a toddler well.

My husband spent 30m getting our toddler out this morning because he kept getting set back by something he hadn't prepared. I do the same half-dozen little tasks well before we need to leave in little bursts. He only apparently thinks of them at the point he's already strapped our son into the pram then leaves him fussing for 20m.

And this is a man who compressed his hours, has him one day a week, did SPL, does grocery orders etc. He just really struggles with doing small tasks very frequently which is ultimately what you need to do with children, and makes them happy in ways they don't understand.