Colleague cancer talk

[user767676]

A colleague of mine had a GP appointment 8 weeks ago and was referred to a consultant and told they would be testing for cancer. I was diagnosed with this type of cancer 4 years ago.
She now has her appointment with the consultant on Monday and she keeps talking about this appointment and asking questions about what will happen.
I don’t like talking about my cancer and I am finding it difficult listening to her going on about it for the past 8 weeks.
I find it triggering and now keep thinking about when I was diagnosed.
We work in a small office so I can’t even escape her.
AIBU?

I feel for you OP. It must be like reliving the experience over and over again.
If she is asking personal questions about your own diagnosis then I think you have every right to tell her that you don't want to talk about your private medical details.

As someone who has also had cancer i totally understand this.

The whole process of getting a diagnosis is incredibly stressful, as is the gap between diagnosis & treatment.

I didn't talk about having cancer to many people until it was over - it was too scarey and I needed to have surgery to see how bad it actually was.

In fact I still rarely mention it - it's in a box i dont want to open, probably because at the back of your mind there is always the fear that it will reoccur.

If you talk to your manager or HR, would it be possible to move location at work?
How would she respond if you asked her to talk about it less with you as it is having a negative impact on your mental health?
Headphones?

Huge sympathy 💐 i absolutely understand why you find it difficult.

You're not being unreasonable. Have a quiet chat with her and say that you realise she is anxious before her appointment, but you're unable to talk about your personal experience because it was an upsetting time for you and you don't want to relive memories of it. Point her either in the direction of the consultants office, to see if they'll provide information pre-appointment, or to the internet where there are tons of online forums, so she's bound to find one that deals with her situation where she can ask questions.

I'm so sorry, that's really rough.

Do you work in the office with other people too, or do you have a supportive manager? Are there others who can step up as a sounding board?

You can certainly say you've closed that chapter of your life now if she's keeping prying, or you could say that you wouldn't want to give misleading advice as the treatments can change and it's based on personal circumstances? Chatgpt can give some good conversation shut downs without it being brutal.

Absolutely sucks that the shadow of events still follow you.

Obviously you both deal with things very differently and she needs to talk things over whilst you prefer not to which is really tricky.

Could you pull her aside and say what you’ve said here? Whilst you appreciate exactly how she’s feeling you’re finding it really hard to keep going over a really difficult time in your life. You don’t want to be unsupportive but would she mind not directing any more questions your way.

It’s really hard though, she’s obviously very worried and reaching out to you as you’ve been there. I’m not sure how much she knows about your cancer but if she sees you now as being well you’re probably that beacon of hope and reassurance for her and she may not realise how hard you continue to find talking about your diagnosis.

Direct her to maggies or macmillan.

I think you’ll just have to explain this to her. Explain to her that talking g about cancer is making you feel upset as it’s bringing back memories of your treatment, but wish her all the best.

point her in the direction of organisations.

Please address this directly. Just say I'm really sorry you are going through this but Im finding it extremely difficult talking about it, it's really upsetting me, so I'd really prefer it if we didn't discuss it in future please. Im really sorry but it's really affecting me.

I’m sorry OP this sounds very tough

Do you think she’s genuinely concerned, just attention seeking, or a mixture of both? It sounds like a non urgent referral if she’s waited 8 weeks.

You just need to talk to her. Tell her what you’ve said here. But be kind.

You have to just say to her, (or write this in a note, or email her) "I'm sorry, I know some people find it very therapeutic to talk about their cancer experience, but I'm not one of them, I find it very distressing to keep bringing it up, and I absolutely do not want to discuss it. If you have a confirmed diagnosis, I am sure there will be specialist nurses or a support group who can give you all the information you need. I don't want to seem unsupportive, and I hope you have a good outcome from your appointment, but please don't ask me about this again."

If necessary, bring this up with your office manager, personal problems shouldn't intrude into the workspace and upset you.

It’s really tough and I understand completely. I was very open about my cancer and welcome people who are going through similar asking about it as I know how hard the waiting period is. However, that’s me and it’s not your responsibility to educate and support - Maggie’s and MacMillan are funded to do that.
You’ll have to be honest with her to protect your own mental health.

Absolutely fine to take her to one side and ask her not to ask you questions.

I don’t think you can ask her not to discuss it at all with others, if you find it uncomfortable perhaps go and make a coffee or something, perhaps put in earbuds/play some music.

I returned to work this week after two years off due to cancer. I had four surgeries and chemotherapy and don’t mind talking about what I’ve been through. You have every right to feel the way you do though and it’s fine for you to tell your colleague that you’re not comfortable discussing what you have been through. My sore point is my hair. I had very long hair and now it’s short and almost everyone has commented on it. I work in a huge supermarket and even the customers are commenting on it.

That is a really insensitive post.

Nobody attention seeks in those circumstances. They are scared and reaching out! Yes that is a waiting time because we have a crap NHS system!

I agree with everything you have said @user767676 , some people are happy to discuss, some aren’t. You need to tell her how it affects you, and that’s ok.

My husband has bowel cancer - he literally had a friend posting a picture of his
poo in the toilet asking if that looked normal.

This is perfect.

Totally understandable to find this upsetting.

I feel for you OP. In Remission (hopefully!) from Ovarian Cancer ,I find a lot of things triggering. Mc Millan charity has a helpline staffed by Cancer Nurses 7 days a week 8 to 8 .I would just say something like "Look Sally I know how you feel and I have been there. It's just rather triggering for me to talk about.I hope you understand " and give her the MM number .They will be better placed to help her and also answer any medical questions as well.

Unfortunately there are definitely attention seekers out there as unbelievable as it is. If she is attention seeking rather than genuinely concerned I think it changes how OP should handle jt

Agree with this comment sadly there are people who will use any illness to get some attention