Dd just asked why me and her dad argue so much

[Boss88]

Posting for traffic - Dd 12 just asked why me and her dad argue so much? She's right, we are arguing a lot, have been for months if not years, not sure if I love him, not sure if he loves me, or ever has, I feel very let down, he says I'm too angry, I am.
But, I am not in any position to leave right now, for lots of reasons. How do I address this with my child? How do I stay in a loveless marriage for as long as is necessary? How do I play this role essentially, in a hopeless marriage for as long as I need to?

Tough one.

My folks argued so much when I was younger, it was so shit. My mum was so controlling and my dad was a pushover until he had a drink.
Mum threw dinners up the wall, gave dad the silent treatment for days on end.
I was forever walking on eggshells.

In my adult life, I now realise that I put up with so many shitty relationships so as not to come across as controlling like my mum.

All of that shit, I now realise has a lot to answer for and it pisses me off.

Get it sorted, its not fair on your dd to put up with your shit relationship.

Well I don't know what the arguments are about. Are they about big things or are you at the point where you just sniping at each other all the time because you irritate each other all the time?

I'm of the belief that if you loved someone once you can love them again, provided no one is abusive or unfaithful or whatever. Sometimes we just get life and children and being an adult get in the way. If you're not in a position to leave would it be worth it to try marriage counseling?

Thank you @Tagyoureit for your message, and I know you're right, I was also brought up with my parents hating each other, and I really didn't want that for my children, but I am not in a position to change that at the moment, I just don't know how to fix this in the interim.

Of course you can leave.

Be an adult and take responsibility for the care of your child. Stop arguing in front of them. Just because you’re not in love, doesn’t mean you can’t live calmly with someone or get along. Lots of people who are not in love manage to live side by side without a circus kicking off.

You are choosing to stay due to whatever personal/financial reasons, that’s fine, but in the meantime, take your child into consideration and stop making it a shit place for her to live in too.

@steff13 thank you for replying, my husband is probably on the autism spectrum, not diagnosed, although I have asked for him to be, but he lacks emotion, empathy, and responsibility to name a few, I am a child of an abusive household so give too much as to not to be a burden, accept too little because I think its what I deserve, and after 15 years we have not found a way to meet in the middle.

You can’t fix it. She’s telling you how unhappy she is living in a war zone. You’re not staying for her, you’re staying for you, so you need to own that rather than trying to justify it to her.

It’s very sad you’re not breaking the cycle that damaged you so much you’ve perpetuated it. She’s going to end up in a similar dysfunctional relationship as that’ll be the only thing she knows.

Are you arguing about major stuff like one of you has gambled away all your money or are bickering over whose turn it is to take the bins out??

What is the root cause?

However, first off. Chat to your husband. Tell him what your dd has said and that you need to call a truce. No more noisy slanging matches in front of her, in her earshot.

You need to talk calmly from now on.

I know thats easier said than done but dd is the priority here.

I'm sorry to hear that.

I mean if you really genuinely feel that you can't leave then you have to stop arguing in front of your daughter. So you have to find a way to get along, but I would think that working out a way to leave would probably be the better option.

Do you work?

@AnneLovesGilbert @Blackbookofsmiles1 Thank you, that might be what I need to hear.

You need to have a conversation about your relationship. Do you both want to make it work? If so, look into couple's counselling and ways of resolving conflict. Do you want to separate? If so, discuss how that would work eg co parenting, child maintenance, living arrangements etc

If separating isn't a possibility right now then separate your lives as much as possible, agree on chores/child care and stop arguing.

@steff13 yes I work, and I am the main income, but we are married. I live in his home country, and am estranged from my family, that is why I cannot leave at this time.

@Funeralplanning I would like it to work, there is no one else, and i have invested a lot into my marriage, in many ways, but my husband does not change anytime, will admit he is mostly in the wrong but then not change his behavior.

Does he?

If you can't or don't want to leave, you need to take responsibility for your actions and stop arguing in front of your child. Find coping mechanisms that work for you to stay calm and air any grievances when she's not around.

Ideally you need to sit down with your partner and make a plan to tackle your marital problems, but even if that's not something he'll commit to, you are in control of how you behave in front of your daughter.