Need advice adult son

[Frag1234]

I have always been a single parent the dad is not around due to his choice my son is now 21 and since 14 he has been a little disrespectful to me as in sometimes calls me names won't talk to me etc ...I thought we got through it all but this week he called me in his room to get a bug and because I was being a typical girl I flustered he told me to get out I was useless and I snapped and shouted don't talk to me like that. A few words were exchanged and I left his room not once did I mention his gf he told me the next day that he had told his gf I don't like her ....I have no idea where he has got this from he also said he wants me to be part of his life when he is in the house but not when he's goes outside ...I am so confused about what I should do and what has happened as I have never said I don't like his gf I am so upset as I don't like to think that she thinks I don't like her when I actually do I don't know how to handle this situation

I wouldn't put up with my adult sons speaking to me rudely or disrespectfully - I would be telling him to move out if he's rude to you.

It's unacceptable. I must admit mine have had their moments through the teenage years but at 21 he should know better and be a lot more respectful. I would tell him that if that's the way he feels he can find somewhere else to live.

He’s 21 and he can’t see how much you have done. I think you need to me much harder on him. How dare he

I was being a typical girl I flustered he told me to get out I was useless

Well I can see where he got his attitude from. Internalised misogyny alert 🚨

So, he asked you to remove a bug. Then complained when you didn't do it well enough?

So the next time he demands help, tough... he needs to do it himself!

Tell him he is an adult. So he needs to behave as one. If he wants to stay with you, he needs to behave as a proper adult - paying his way, cleaning after himself, and treating you respectfuly. If he can't do that he needs to leave

Your adult male child asked you to remove a bug.

It doesn't sound like that scenario should have led to a fight. Maybe try a different approach?

Son: "Mum, leave the bug alone, you are useless"

Mum: "You are an adult, you should be able to catch bugs. And please don't call anyone useless" (mildly rebuking without fighting)
Or
Mum: "I'm sorry I am not an expert bug catcher" (using humour)

He sounds disrespectful, but not that unusual for someone in late adolescence.

The irony of calling you useless when he can't catch the big himself. 😒

He's a grown man, he needs to learn that it's not acceptable to speak to you like a moody teenager.

Does he work? Pay rent? Contribute to household bills? If not, you need to set some expectations and deadlines around this.

He lives under your roof, so he lives by your rules. If he doesn't like them, he knows where the door is.

As for the girlfriend thing, I'd be insisting that the three of you have a little sit down and he explains to her that what he said wasn't true.

The bug thing is confusing me though...why is a man in his 20's asking his mum to get a bug out of his room? And more importantly why are you doing it? Do you baby him in other ways.

People can’t treat you badly unless you let them. Why are you letting him? Are you afraid to ask him to leave?

In your place I would be demanding respect and good manners, laying out expectations of behaviour if he wishes to continue living with you. You are under no obligation to continue to house someone that is making life so unpleasant. He is welcome to stay provided he is polite and kind to you.

“because I was being a typical girl I flustered”

Please don’t be so sexist.

You need to stand up for yourself.

Sit him down and tell him you are unhappy with the way he speaks to you and it needs to stop. He is old enough to control his emotions.
Ask him why he felt the need to tell his girlfriend you don’t like her when it’s not true.
Depending on his reaction I would be suggesting it’s time for him to move out.
Ask a friend or family member to attend if it would help.