After some Mumsnet wisdom, if there’s any around this afternoon?
I live with my DH and DC. DC is a teenager and stays 5 nights/week with us, 2 with dad. Works hard and is jolly good company, does a few chores. I have no complaints and just don’t think this query is about them- it’s specifically about the divide of chores between me and DH.
My DH supports us financially. He has a hard physical job and his income pays most of our bills and living expenses. He also does the infrequent but mucky jobs like cleaning pipes of hair and so on, as well as most items of DIY simply because he’s better at them and quicker at them than I am. He keeps a small portion of his wages for his own expenses, like fuel and vehicle maintenance, and his hobbies.
I am trying to establish myself in my own business, which has involved retraining. I had an inheritance which has supported me in this. I also work as a professional, but very part time. I am trying to secure more hours in order to support myself, my business, and contribute more to our joint expenses. At the moment, I’m lucky if I contribute 40% of what he puts in financially.
I do the vast majority of the daily jobs: cooking, looking after the dogs, cleaning (admittedly I’m not the most stringent housewife but I do keep things clean and we don’t live in squalor), laundry (in a laundrette) and shopping. I also do all the lifts and etc for my child.
I find myself feeling resentful that my jobs are never complete. The day to day business of living goes on even at weekends and holidays (we camp). If I cook, he washes up. If he cooks, I wash up and I also clean down the stove and worktops. In the day when he’s at work, I put the clean things away and re wash any where the original washing up was ineffective, and I wash up breakfast and lunch things, and usually the things I use to prep the dinner, so he only usually has plates and cutlery to do, or maybe a saucepan if it’s been pasta.
I work about 30 hours a week on paid work and training/studying/work experience for my new career. I spend about 5 hours a week on laundry, if you count the travel time to and from the laundrette, and another 4-5 on the shopping, both of which I like to do twice a week.
I also feel like a manager, in that I hold all the information in my head for when things are due, who’s out when, I provide dinner on the evenings I’m out, or at the minimum I plan what needs to be bought, make sure he knows about it, and so on. I do the changing of towels and bed linen, I put those items away too (I don’t put his laundry away). I pick up bits of hobbies or whatever that get left out, while if I leave my things in his chair he just puts them on mine.
I feel I’m doing more than he is, but I struggle to express this in a way which doesn’t come across as an attack. I’m tired and feel like I never, ever get a whole day off because I’m always looking after someone or something and there are always jobs which fall to me. He does things if I ask but I just wish he’d use his own housekeeping skills and see the things that need doing, and do them. He does this occasionally, and a few years back when we each had a day a week at home, he did the bulk of the cleaning on his day off work.
AIBU?
If not, how would you put this across to him? I appreciate all that he does in terms of financial and also emotional support, I have absolutely no complaints in any other area.