The dreaded C word

[SweetHydrangea]

Christmas!

First of all, I am sorry as I know it’s only August, but a couple of my family members start buying early next month so I need to get my plan in place now and looking for suggestions/experiences of others.

Do you think it’s unreasonable to say no presents for adults this year? Has anyone done it before and how did it go?

I will continue to buy for my husband and children as normal and also my in laws as my husband is an only child so they literally won’t get any presents otherwise.

My immediate family (mum, dad, sister, sisters fiancé) are nearly all notoriously difficult to buy for. My dad is an exception as he actually has hobbies and loves making things/gadgets so I always manage to get him things easily. The rest are a complete nightmare and the last two years they have said they don’t want anything and just asked for money, or have given no ideas at all. I like to make a lot of effort getting something I think people would like, but I’m obviously not very good when it comes to my sister and her fiancé as I can tell they never really like anything/returned it, so I just gave them cash for the last 2 years.

My mum is a really lazy gift giver, she can never be bothered to try and think of something that you might like, so she just asks what we want and even if you send her a direct link, she will always just ask me/my sister to buy it ourselves and she will pay us back and then wrap it up. I just find it completely pointless. She will also ask for ideas for my husband and I end up giving her things off my list so I then struggle to find something for him myself. I have my own Christmas shopping to buy, I don’t want to be doing anyone else’s as well. Failing that it’s money in a card which is fine if that’s what someone has asked for because they are saving towards something, but last year we all just exchanged money in a card so it felt like a waste of time and that we were doing it for the sake of it. I do also feel a bit resentful that no one can be bothered to ever make an effort for me when I really do make an effort for everyone else.

I suggested a secret Santa this year between the adults as I thought everyone needing to buy one gift would be easy and less stressful. The idea was for everyone to write down a few ideas of things they might like so whoever got you could go out and buy from the list if they couldn’t think of anything themselves (trying to make it easy for my mum). My dad was up for it as he never gets involved with gift giving so think he was excited for the challenge. My mum wasn’t happy she just said ‘she would rather give money’ aka, she can’t be bothered to make any effort, even for one person. My sister also wasn’t keen as she’s a bit of an attention seeker and likes to go a bit over the top with gifts which then makes everyone else feel guilty. Sisters fiancé is generally just miserable so didn’t have an opinion and kept quiet.

I was speaking to my husband last night and I’m now feeling like I might just say we aren’t buying presents for adults this year and for them not to buy us anything either. I really do not see the point in withdrawing money from a ATM to receive it back, I would rather just keep it in my bank account, and I refuse to buy my own presents for my mum to wrap up.

The only reason I’m not sold on the idea is because they will still buy for my children so they would be spending money on my family and we wouldn’t be buying anything for them in return which I feel a bit cheeky about.

What would you all do?
Has anyone managed to successfully stop buying gifts for adults? How was your Christmas with no presents?

Sorry that ended up longer than I anticipated, thanks for reading if you got to the end of it 😅

”Buying for just the children” is fine as long as every household in the group has a child.

Otherwise you end up with a childless/childfree household spending money on all the children and not even getting a token back for themselves, which isn’t very thoughtful or fair.

You're probably better off asking for this to be moved to the Christmas topic OP.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas

my grandad does £10 in a card for each grandchild and he then buys a bottle of wine/crate of beer and biscuits for the adults.

my mum makes everyone a hamper of foods bath stuff alcohol or a soft drink for the couples.

and me well I’m hit and miss I buy for the children but I plan on starting at the end of August by buying the vouchers I need for tbe adults and starting for my 3 year old.

@quickncncncnc

this doesn’t bother me. We agreed a few years ago no presents for adults, kid to 18. As it happens the parenst buy a token gift for me ‘from the children’ so a nice notebook, big bar chic etc. not expensive and I say not to but they do

You shouldn't give presents to receive something

Stopped buying all but nieces/nephews and their children three years ago. We have no children and are not bothered about getting presents at all. It's all a consumer racket anyway 😁. At one point we were buying 45 presents every Christmas. Not worried about the cost but just ridiculous.

I absolutely love buying Christmas gifts but it sounds like they've sucked all the joy out of it so I'd go ahead and tell them you're no longer buying for adults.

This is why I’m not 100% sold on the idea.

I know for a fact that regardless of what we decided as adults, they would still buy for my 2, as they are the only grandchildren/nieces/nephews, even though to be honest it wouldn’t worry me if they didn’t. I think my 4 year old might question why he had no presents but the youngest isn’t old enough to know. I don’t think that would be the deal breaker for them at all, but I would feel really guilty myself if that makes sense.

No gifts for over 21s in this family. I've no kids myself but never minded and still don't buying for the under 21s. They will all be over 21 some day! And the older ones always get me something small that I like, despite me hollering that I DON'T WANT ANYTHING!

All the adults, siblings, ILs, Outlaws, waifs and strays are delighted not to have to buy for anyone other than under 21s. Everyone's happy.

BTW all our parents are gone now, so I suppose even with an under18/21 policy some might gift their parents. We never did but had a family meal in January instead. Parents loved that since it was difficult to get everyone together at Christmas.

Oh thank you, I never really stray beyond AIBU to be honest lol

Love those ideas! We have done hampers for my parents in the past, both joint and individual. My dad is always over the moon, my mum is indifferent to it. She is just someone who buys want they want throughout the year so when it comes to Christmas there is nothing she really wants. I don’t think she overly likes Christmas to be honest but the rest of us are big Christmas lovers so she goes along with it.

I would happily accept a hamper from my parents for me and my husband but I know I’ll get asked what I want in it, so I’d have even more decisions to make than I already do.

I actually really love that idea! My oldest is 4 and at the age where he understands Christmas and birthdays and likes to get involved in buying gifts, so maybe I could get my parents/sister a present from the kids only and not a extra one from me and my husband as well.

We’ve been doing no adults for years now but all our kids have suddenly become young adults and now we older ones are a bit confused about how to do this.

We stopped for friends kids a few years ago as our lists were so long, we just take them out for a big Christmas outing instead which they look forward to every year and it makes it fairer as we just pay for our own kids.

Me too! I am a planner and I really love to go out and research things people would love. I spend all year listening intently to conversations we have to get ideas for them for birthdays and Christmas, but you are right they have sucked the joy out.

At least I still have my husband, children and his parents to buy for so it gives me something to look forward to.

Surely if you buy vouchers that early they will have less time to spend them.

See I couldn’t buy for my parents and not my sister/her fiancé as we all spend Christmas together every year, so it would be a bit awkward. My sister would definitely get in a huff about it as well, so it’s either all or none!

A meal is a lovely idea however. Could maybe suggest going somewhere a bit more fancy than we normally would, or maybe even a day out somewhere rather than a physical gift. Everyone pays for themselves and then we have all spent the same and there is no fuss.

Last year we decided no gifts for adults- me and my sibling all have kids so we only buy for them. My parents were also keen on only buying for the children so everyone is happy.

Buying for adults is often really difficult, you stress a lot trying to think of something and you end up buying and receiving unnecessary tat.

We’ve decided to only buy for milestone birthdays as well.

Best Christmas decision ever. Highly recommended!

I don't have children and am more than happy to buy for the rest of the children in the family and get nothing. I can't tell you how glad I was when adult presents stopped. Such a waste of money.

Oh, I thought this would be a thread about Cancer.

People in my family don’t waste time certainly not my mum in her favourite clothes store with the Boxing Day sales same as her partner be gets Amazon deliveries all the time 🤣. Xx

Yeah that’s a tricky one isn’t it, because when do you start filtering the kids out. I would find that really challenging when you have kids of mixed ages in one family, how can you buy for some and not the others when they will all be there together.

We only buy for kids and everyone has always been fine with it. I was last to have a kid and was always fine with it. It’s more fun buying for kids lol.
we do however have a family meal out each festive season and that is instead of gifts.

This is lovely to hear! I do feel like my mum would actually really love it because she genuinely hates buying gifts. I just have a feeling the reason she is against it, is because of my sister who acts more like a spoilt teenager than someone in their 30s. She would still feel she needed to give her something to avoid the attitude and atmosphere she would create and she wouldn’t be able to give my sister something and not give anything to me, even though I don’t really care.

I think I’m just going to tell them all tomorrow and walk out leaving the bomb to go off without me there 😂

Gosh, I didn’t even think of that!