To take one child and not the other?

[CucumberBagel]

Genuinely interested in views. My child is friends with two siblings, and the family doesn’t have much money. My child gets on much better with one sibling than the other, but the mum has to deal with the fallout of one being “left out”.

I would like to take my child and one sibling out one day trips, or pay for them to have lessons and activities together. But AIBU to leave one sibling out? Reasons are 1) the cost of paying for an extra child who 2) spends most of the time making passive aggressive remarks and causing friction in the group.

But I feel guilty leaving them out as they don’t get much opportunity to do things and could actually benefit from some more grown up attention and activities outside of their home environment.

Thoughts?

What are the ages of your child and the siblings?

The odd day trip is different to paying for lessons and activities imo.

Just make sure to ask the parents discreetly and not to mention the trip to either child before it's been agreed.

If one kid is always causing friction by remarks or whatever, you'd be rewarding and reinforcing that behaviour by taking them on special outings and letting them mess it up for the others.

I think paying for another child's activities/lessons is different from trips here and there.

Trips/outings - I think what you're describing is fine. I have twins. I don't expect both invited to every party/event/whatever.

It depends on their ages and how close you are as families.

If you are very close to the family, you may want to factor in the impact longer term of only doing things with one kid. Every situation is different.

You also might want to do cheaper things, it could be a weird dynamic you paying for them and then choosing between them.

It isnt the responsibility of anyone but the parents to provide entertainment, trips and outings for the unruly child, learning opportunity that maybe if they were a brat, that spoiled it for everyone else, they might get considered more.

A regular activity is more awkward but days out here and there is perfectly fine and normal. Although tricky if they’re twins.

My child is 9, siblings are 12 and 10. My child is closer to the 12 year old as they are both level-headed and share interests.

i take the point from others that paying for ongoing activities is different to days out, and of course I wouldn’t mention anything until agreed by parents. The mum is a bit cagey and seems to prefer they do nothing so it’s hard to pin her down. But I know my child will have a better time on outings with their closest friend.

I wouldn’t describe the child as a brat; I think there is some sibling rivalry and jealousy when it comes to friendships. It’s just difficult for my child to navigate and I’d prefer she was able to have fun with her closer friend.

The child is probably feeling left out, and excluded by both of the children getting on well. 2’s company, 3 is quite hard to navigate, however that’s doesn’t mean they have to be invited

I think day trips are absolutely fine, but no to a regular activity, what happens if the children fall out? Does the other child have to stop going? It’s too complicated so stick to days out.

I wouldn’t take either in this case, but I would invite both to cheap/free activities. There is a reason the 10 yo is more tricky, showing preference to the older child will make it worse.