AIBU to longer invite flakey friend.

[GalacticBuscuit]

It’s my birthday today (not a milestone one; just an inbetween).

Ive booked to go out for a meal later with a small group of friends - tbh I don’t have many so the 8 of us is probably all my friends.

Out of the 7 friends; one was working so rsvp’d a no right away which is fine. Another couple are ill. This was disappointing as I’m really close with them; but I see them a lot and know it’s genuine.

Then this morning, another is cancelling because they’ve made a dentist appointment… thing is this friend always flakes: it’s become a running joke.

I always host at Easter, Halloween/bonfire night and Christmas. I don’t mind doing it; I enjoy it. But now I’m sick of flakey friend and wondering if I quietly no longer invite them to things. They’ve got a voluntary dietary restriction too; which would make it a lot easier to host if they didn’t come…

On the other hand; am I being unreasonable because I feel let down on my birthday? They also have various mental health issues and I worry that if I phase them out; I’ll become the bad guy in the friend group…

fyi - I need to go clean, pop shops and get ready to go out (even if it ends up thing two of us; I’m going out tonight!) so replies might be intermittent; but thank you in advance for advice :)

Happy Birthday. I think I would speak to her. Provide some examples. Give her 1 more change at a non hugely important event and if she flakes from that then stop asking her. If she asks you why I would refer to the conversation you had. Is she apologetic?

I’d just stop the invites. See her in other group settings, but match her energy.

I’m sorry some people have dropped out, happy birthday and I hope you have a lovely meal anyway.

Does the ‘flakey’ friend have anxiety? Dentist appointment seems like a really weird reason for not coming for a birthday meal, and sounds like an excuse unless it’s an actual dental emergency. You mention that she has mental health issues, is that likely to be the real reason? If so calling her flakey is a bit harsh imo, though I do totally understand that her behaviour is frustrating and disappointing for you. Can you have a gentle conversation with her where you say that you understand that she has anxiety and you want to be supportive, you’d appreciate if she can be honest and direct if she doesn’t feel she can make a social appointment due to anxiety, and just tell you that that’s the reason? As dropping out of your birthday meal for a dentist appointment makes you feel like she doesn’t care about you and makes you feel bad?

Personally I don’t think I’d phase her out if the mental health issues are the reason, I’d just include her in invitations assuming that she probably won’t come. But I think you’re within your rights to ask her to be direct about her reasons for cancelling.

ETA: also, I’d try to make sure your disappointment about the other friends having to cancel isn’t impacting how frustrated you feel with her, as their cancellations aren’t her fault.