To think he should just chill out

[Overwhelmedandunderfed]

I am trying to see if you would feel pissed off with your OH in a similar situation.

It’s not a happy relationship generally so it’s sometimes hard for me to gauge if I’m being unfair because I am resentful anyway.

My OH points out every mark that’s been made in the house. For example “Have you seen that big dirty handprint on the wall?” He doesn’t try to wipe it, ask for advice on how to attempt to clean it or provide any further information. I suspect it’s teenage son which is annoying and he is scruffy and I am dealing with it as best I can.

Youngest son (ours together) is autistic and makes soooooo much mess. The thing is if anything is spilt or damaged or marked I just fix it / clean it, I don’t say anything to OH even if I think it’s him that’s done it.

Would your OH point something like this out? Be annoyed? Clean it? My Dad would have been angry when we were little if there were handprints etc so it’s hard for me to know if I’ve just been unlucky with partners or if it’s most men.

I don’t know if this really matters but for clarity OH has never painted a single wall and I’ve never seen him clean the bathroom etc. I already know that this is ridiculous though so I don’t necessarily need telling.

So him telling me about the handprint just hangs in the air, I feel shit, the kids are interested in looking at it but ultimately it could be anyone (my Mum comes all the time) and it feels a bit like he just wants me to know so that I feel crap, a bit abusive really but again, I think that’s because of what’s happened before. Anyway, I’ve now cleaned it and it wasn’t a big deal IMO, wear and tear on a house with 5 people living in it but maybe I’m too soft / not house proud enough.

I also know that I shouldn’t be int his relationship, I’m looking specifically for opinions on the way your OH’s handle messes like this.

Thank you.

You're right, you shouldn't be in this relationship. That's your answer right there.

Have the men in your house got no arms or something? If your teenage son makes a mess, he shoul clean it. Failing that if your DH noticed it and it bothered him, he should have cleaned it. You are not, presumably, their paid housekeeper so why is it always down to you?

So, not it is not normal. Mr Monkey noticed the hall carpet was a bit grotty this morning, so he ran the hoover round before he went to work. Keeping the house clean and tidy is everyone's responsibilty.

Well the thing is I’m not sure you would have known you had done it tbh. It was in a weird spot and I don’t know if my teenager would need to touch the wall there. I think maybe it might have been me and it wasn’t anything like the ‘big, dirty handprint’ he described or there from previous occupant but really it doesn’t actually matter does it? It’s just a bloody handprint that just needed a wipe and not to be pointed out to me at 9am on a Saturday morning. It’s actually ridiculous.

He's training you so that you become anxious and worried about what he will say/do next.This will in time escalate to him losing his temper and you being frightened of his behaviour.Get out while you can.

If this were a happy relationship then I would see no issue with one person going “have you seen that dirty great handprint on the wall?” or “what the fuck is that gunk on the worktop?” or “Christ! How is that so grubby? It was only just cleaned yesterday!”.

DH and I do this regularly in “having two young children and two spaniels really is like living in an actual bomb site” type way. It’s not a judgement or a criticism.

Thank you, I think he’s a narcissist - not just from this tiny comment but I’m very glad that you can see it isn’t normal because sometimes it’s hard to know if I’m just being over sensitive because of the other things he’s done. I do believe he wants me to be anxious and on edge. The absolute kicker is that this house was paid for entirely by me but if I say that (which I have done before) he doesn’t like it.

Thanks. So in a normal relationship it’s okay because you wouldn’t then feel anxious about it. I get that.

What difference does the answer make OP? Does it fix or unfix the relationship somehow?

No, but I will feel validated if people feel that is generally unreasonable. It’s hard to explain, this has been what I believe an abusive relationship and I am working out how to end it (very complicated. I own the house, he paid for things in it, he has nowhere to go, shared disabled child, amongst lots and lots of things) but I do find strength in keeping notes of the things he has said and done that have caused me anxiety so that when I am strong enough I can look back and say to myself that I tried and that it wasn’t all my fault and I have lost touch with what is normal.

" he wants me to know so that I feel crap"

You've already recognised that he's doing it to make you feel bad, not for any other reason.

It's not a healthy or normal behaviour.

Yes OP. In a normal relationship you would both accept life in general means houses get dirty and both get stuck in with tidying and cleaning.

Your teen needs to learn to be more careful and pull their weight, but the main issue appears to be you are married to a dickhead.

He will not change,it's all about him being in control while slowly chipping away at your confidence until you can no longer stand up for yourself.Dont let it get to this.

Agree with confusedsloth.
I have 2 teenage boys, a dog and a mechanic for a partner. Im regularly pointing out the muck on the stairs bannister thats appeared a couple of weeks after cleaning, the black marks on light switches, he points out the flecks of dirt up the hallway walls and doors from when i bring the dog in from a walk. It's never serious or a dig, just, 'bloody hell look at the state of that already!' One of us will clean it when we can be arsed, but neither of us feel picked at or anxious and neither should you, especially in your own home

I don't think it's abusive but it's a bit annoying. My DH would probably just clean it if he saw it but if he did point it out to me I'd probably just wipe it. But we don't usually argue or stress about little things like that. If your relationship is bad generally then I suppose little things like this will probably rankle more.

I think you're trying to find one solid reason to leave him, when emotional abuse doesn't work like that. Its more about undermining you and controlling you subtly. I remember with my ex, feeling like I couldn't justify leaving because I couldn't pinpoint something solidly that meant abuse.

Also I want to add the fact he has nowhere to go is not your problem. He should have thought of that before being abusive. If you think he'll resist leaving or you feel unsafe, you need to call the police. It's YOUR house. You need to put yourself first.

I hope you do find the strength to leave him. There is so much more to life than this.

Also my OH would probably moan about the handprint for a week and then clean it up himself. No big deal, he lives here too. The cleaning isn't my responsibility and he doesn't try to make me feel bad for mess. That's how it should be.

Don't waste your life on this man.

Mu answer would be “and” and then offer him a cloth to clean it. If he reacts with anger you know the answer.

You refer to it being your house, so hopefully you aren’t married to this dickhead?

He sounds vile. Can you ask him to leave?