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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ex’s temper

6 replies

hottogo80 · 16/08/2025 07:19

My ex and I share a 14 year old son. We split up when he was just a toddler and have co parented fairly successfully since with ds seeing him EOW and a weeknight.

I would say ex is a decent enough father. Has always been consistent with contact and ds enjoys going there. But the thing that lets him down is his temper. He can go from 0-100 in seconds over the most trivial things. I remember it well from when we were together but thought (hoped) he would grow out of it by the time he reached 40. He really does shout, swear and become very intimidating. He just loses the plot. It can be over something silly like road rage or if someone else has behaved in a way he thinks is unacceptable.

It can be directed at people and ds has told me that he can be really quite awful to his wife (ds stepmum) and their kids. Ds has been on the receiving end of it once or twice when he was perceived to have had a ‘bad attitude’ but I think ds actually knows how to manage his dad which is to keep quiet and let him rant and rave until he runs out of steam.

I’ve always been worried about this impact on ds but because ex is overall a loving dad I haven’t been able to raise it. Ds is due to go abroad next week with his dad and family and has basically confided that he hopes his dad doesn’t ‘lose his rag’ while they’re away. I have of course told him he doesn’t have to go but he says he wants to.

AIBU to worry about this? Would it be worth having a word with my ex? Pretty sure it would be very badly received.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 16/08/2025 07:27

At 14 your DS has a legal voice. If the temper is so bad that he is scared he can decide to not have contact. Quite honestly though it sounds like DS would be scared of the fall out if you mention it to ex or he decided he wants to reduce visits because of it. You are doing the right thing by saying he doesn’t have to go though. And if he decides not to and ex asks you can tell him why.

Homeandgarden · 16/08/2025 07:30

I understand your concerns but honestly if your ex has had anger management problems long term as you describe then I don't think you "having a word " with him will do any good what so ever.
If his current wife who is now bearing the brunt of his temper, as are her children, hasn't been able to get him to modify his behaviour you getting involved won't make him.change.
He needs professional help.

frozendaisy · 16/08/2025 07:30

No don’t have a word with you ex as he will lose his rag that your son confided in you that is all he will see

Your son needs tactics if, most likely when, this happens. It’s just one holiday, what is there your son can do, where could he go alone if need be, is it a resort with a pool or games area, or is it a ABAB in a busy city? That type of thing. Take a pile of reading material.

Hopefully his current can handle him like this, and make sure son can always call you for a chat.

It’s likely to be a difficult holiday as people will behaving in n a way he finds unacceptable left right and centre.

PersephoneParlormaid · 16/08/2025 07:32

It sounds like your DS is very level headed, and would say when it gets too much. At 14 I’d let him manage it.

hottogo80 · 16/08/2025 07:36

He would never get professional help. He is one of those people who just thinks it’s the rest of the world who are the problem not him, no matter how outrageous his behaviour is.
It’s a shame because he can be a good guy and a great dad but this other side of his personality really lets him down and was one of the key reasons we split up. I would argue back with him which I now see was never going to end well.
Ds can manage it but he shouldn’t have to manage an adults emotions and I hate to think of him being so far away and feeling scared. It’s a beach holiday, so hopefully relaxed.

OP posts:
Endofyear · 16/08/2025 07:44

Honestly, I very much doubt that you having a word with the ex is going to make any difference to his behaviour at all unfortunately. It might even wind him up and make him even more likely to lose his rag on the holiday 😬 of course your son shouldn't have to tiptoe around his moods but the reality is that is his dad and he didn't choose this man to be his dad so he has to deal with him. He's 14 so has a choice whether he spends time with his dad or not. Just let your son know that he can text you or call for a chat anytime while he's away, that's all you can do if your son really wants to go.

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