Children / no children: talking with sister

[Everythingchanges72]

So I have two children and my sister is child free by choice. We’ve managed to stay pretty close even though we don’t see each other that often (I don’t live in the UK). We are visiting just now, and we usually try to have a night or two staying with my sister and her partner, and leave the children with my parents (they didn’t really have room to host all four of us, plus she and her partner are very particular about their house / possessions. Plus it’s fun to live like a DINKY for a couple of nights).

When children come up in the conversation, things feel really unbalanced, and it’s getting to me.

It’s like it’s fine for her to openly say how fantastic life is with no children (and she for do this, quite openly) but that it would be to insensitive for me to do the same from my side - to talk openly and enthusiastically about how great it is to be a parent and a mum to these two fantastic young people.

DH and I - like most parents - have made sacrifices and compromises along the way to do the best for our kids, and our life looks very different to hers. But I wouldn’t swap it for anything. But it feels mean to tell her that? That all the things she values so highly - super tidy, minimalist house, freedom to travel, never having to compromise, more money - yeah, great but I’d never swap my kids for any of that, not in a million years. But I can’t say that directly, right?

Maybe I am being over sensitive. It just annoys me that she can say how great her life is and why, but I can’t do the same because it would hurt her feelings / rub her nose in the fact she doesn’t have children. I know she’s sensitive about it even though it’s a choice she made for lots of good reasons.

i think it’s come to a head because she and her partner have recently made some big life changes, which they can only do because they don’t have kids, and our lifestyles are about to diverge quite dramatically (not just the kids / no kids, there are lots of other things changing).

I’ve taken the poll off but AIBU to think it’s easier to go on about how great a child-free lifestyle is, to someone who has children, than it is to do the inverse? To go on about how great it is to have children, to someone who does not?

Has your sister been pushed out by your parents because she doesn't have children? If they make her feel second best, I can see why she is hurt and defensive. Grandchildren are lovely but if you favour the child/children who have produced them over the children who haven't, you are being a pretty crappy parent.

Spot on.

I have friends (or sometimes I feel ‘friends’) who will do this over stuff other than having/not having children, e.g. comparing the cities we live in ‘oh I wouldn’t like to live where you live I’m so lucky etc’, or the career paths we have chosen. So it’s not an issue that’s specific to having children/childfree etc, it’s more about the personality of the person who’s behaving like this, and maybe about the relationship/dynamic between the two of you. I sometimes try to get my friends to shut up via the ‘isn’t it great we’re both happy with our different choices’ comment, but it always seems to crop up again. I think the root of the issue is why are you feeling competitive with each other and how can you shift the relationship so you are both feeling more secure and respecting each other’s different choices. If it wasn’t children, it might well be something else.

Hmm she does preface things with ‘since we don’t have children…’ and ‘when you don’t have kids you can do… ‘ and last night ‘It might be a not-having-kids thing, but I just can’t imagine not prioritising my own comfort, you know?’ 🙄

Probably we are both a bit insecure about things just now. She’s made / making a lot of big life changes which are stressful to her, whereas I’m more stuck (and I do feel stuck) where I am for a while with kids in school, doing exams, starting uni, job hassles.

She’s a great aunt btw - loves her nephews very much, but at a distance. She’s never had them alone but that’s partly because we are overseas. We always make sure they see each other as much they can when we visit and they spent a lot of time with us when the children were younger (but she and her partner are so precious about their shoes-off house, no one relaxes with him frowning at them and slipping coasters under every glass 🙄).

Erm, my house is minging but I still expect shoes off and coasters, it's not hard.

If he's a bit of a mardy git, she might have even more issues, kids being the least of them...

This sounds weird. I’m childfree by choice and live my life exactly how I want but I don’t feel the need to finish every sentence with “…which I can do because I don’t have kids!” I just get on with my life and do the things I want to do. I wouldn’t find it remotely insensitive if someone with kids said they loved their life with kids and everything that came with it, I’d be happy for them, because I’m very secure in my choice to be childfree (it was not really a choice, just something I’ve always known). It’s not rubbing someone’s nose in it if “it” is not a thing they’re interested in. The way you describe it sounds like she had some difficulty making her choice?

Yeah, speaking as someone who also doesn’t have kids, she does sound insecure, but I don’t think she’s necessarily intending to be obnoxious. As an adult without kids you are in the minority in a lot of social conversations and it’s easy to feel not part of the club, and to wonder if others are judging you or feeling sorry for you as they see your lives as less than theirs. From what you’ve said, she has perhaps experienced some judgment from your parents, and maybe from other people as well. I’d be inclined to see her comments not as intended to rile you or sound smug, but a bit defensive, or honestly just trying to explain to you her perspective and explain why, for her as an individual, having children wasn’t what she wanted, or wasn’t what she wanted as much as she wanted other things. It doesn’t mean she’s saying having children wasn’t right for you. Honestly it sounds a bit like she assumes you are happy in your life and might be looking down on her, and is defensively trying to point out that her life is as good as yours, just for other reasons.

I don’t blame you for finding it annoying, but I haven’t yet found a solution with my own friends who behave like this about other stuff, I’m afraid! For me, I guess I’m trying to be aware of how my own insecurities might be contributing to the dynamic, and whether there’s stuff I’m doing that’s contributing to us reacting to each other like we’re in competition. I think maybe all you can do is keep calmly reframing her comments as ‘it’s great that we’re both happy with our choices, we’re not in competition, both our lives are valid, there’s enough happiness to go around’, and hope that she eventually takes the bloody hint! lol.

The audacity of using coasters and looking after your stuff.

My best friend was like your sister. Going on and on about loving the childfree life, being able to do XYZ because she's childfree etc. Just had her first baby, age 42. Much happier.

Sounds like she's trying to convince herself tbh, not you. Just nod and smile. If you're happy with your life, why does it bother you?

And talk about something else!

I agree. Either this or she feels judged for some reason and that she needs to justify her child free position.

Just tell her you're glad you are both happy and fulfilled in your choices.