To be so angry at my step dad

[hayleysthinking]

My Mum had me quite young and split with my dad when I was a teen, I’m now in my 20s and my mum has remarried.
She found out she was pregnant but didn’t want another child due to her age but her husband did and wanted her to keep it.
She ended up losing the baby and because she was at home on her own she nearly died as she lost so much blood she lost consciousness and I found her.
Fast forward a year and mum is pregnant again and says she knows he will keep on until he gets a child.
Secondly I have been accused of being jealous because I’m worried that I will lose my mum and he doesn’t seem to care one ounce about her health as long as he gets his child.
AIBU to really hate this selfish prick who knows my mum nearly died and doesn’t want another baby but is willing to risk her health to stop him keeping on?

Why isn’t she taking responsibility to ensure she doesn’t get pregnant if she doesn’t want a child?

What is your mum doing to avoid getting pregnant and end the relationship?

She has got pregnant because he kept on and on until she gave in because he desperately wants a baby.

Did she know he wanted another baby when they got married?

She’s willing to risk losing her life because she doesn’t want to lose him.
she was in hospital for nearly a week last year having a blood transfusion and recovering.

As awful as it is, there’s literally nothing you can do.
Your mum either needs to abort and cut all ties with this coercive cunt or have a child and stay tied to him for 18 years.
Either way it’s her choice to make. All you can do is support her and make sure she knows that you’re always going to be there xx

I don’t know.

Well that’s on her. She’s a grown up making selfish choices, getting pregnant with a baby she doesn’t want just to please a man. She’s made her choice, just leave them to it and support her.

She’s an adult who is making stupid decisions but they are her decisions. Sadly.
Do you think he is abusive in any other ways? Is she too scared to take contraception? If so, maybe signpost her to Woman’s Aid?

She's not blameless in this. She needs to take control.

Silly woman.

You should be very angry at both of them, not just your step dad.

She has got pregnant because he kept on and on until she gave in because he desperately wants a baby.

Sounds to me like a huge mistake to contemplate bringing a child into a relationship with such an unhealthy dynamic.

She is choosing to do this she own her own choices and she does not have to stay with him

She is choosing to do this she own her own choices and she does not have to stay with him

Your mum is a grown woman who can prevent a pregnancy if she chooses to. If she doesn't want a child and is having one to appease her husband, she's making a very poor choice.

I want to be supportive but it’s a lot.

First of all never ever let someone dictate your feelings for you OP.

Secondly I have been accused of being jealous because I’m worried that I will lose my mum and he doesn’t seem to care one ounce about her health as long as he gets his child.

That's his perception (and a warped one) and not your motivation.

May I, gently, suggest that finding your mum must have been extremely traumatic for you. Have you ever talked to someone about it? Like a counsellor?

Does your mum have any friends that could talk to her?

I know she is. I am finding it hard as I nearly lost her and now I don’t know how I will feel about the baby, it seems so unnecessary.

The way you word it, I wonder if your mum feels like she has any say in the matter. Whether that’s because her husband is coercive or because of another reason she feels her thoughts and feelings are secondary, who knows.
It’s a difficult position for you to be in though OP. Have you told her how you feel about it all?
Youre an adult but you’re still quite young and that sounds like a traumatic experience you went through, when your mum is your stability.

I’m so sorry @hayleysthinking, this must be so hard for you. It sounds as though your mum isn’t thinking straight. Is this guy abusive at all? I ask that because of the accusations towards you, it sounds quite controlling.

I wish I had advice but I don’t. You could try calling Women’s Aid for advice if you think he is at all abusive or controlling? People are blaming your mum but it feels like there is more at play here.

She is willing to risk her life to make him happy, that doesn’t typically coming about in a normal, healthy relationship.

I don’t think it’s particularly abusive, I lived with them happily for a few years.

That’s positive, it was only the comments towards you that made me wonder. So it’s just this baby issue? If she is doing this out of choice then I honestly don’t know what you can do. Sorry that’s not helpful, it sounds really shit to watch from the sidelines. It might be worth you talking to someone anyway to try and get a handle on how to deal with it. I wouldn’t know what to do without support. Good luck. X

Firstly, I’m sorry you had to go through seeing your mum in such a state. It can be frightening for a child of any age to witness.

Secondly, I wonder why your mum is willing to go to such lengths to please a man.

Relationships, and our choices within them, are complex things. Your mum may make mistakes, she’s a human being, or she may even deep down want another baby and find that hard to say. But these matters are out of your control and don’t reflect her love for you. Your step father is a separate person, and your mum is responsible for how his desires influence her behaviour, and (by extension) her relationship with you. Not everyone can handle such a responsibility adeptly. Emotional trauma, a lack of self confidence, or financial considerations could be at play.

I hope you can have a calm, honest chat with her about this because it sounds like an unhealthy dynamic. An opening question could be something like “Mum, have you considered how this pregnancy might affect your health and ability to be in my life?”

Sending you supportive & kind wishes.

Is there any chance your mum might be trying to appease you by telling you it’s all him because she doesn’t want to hurt you by saying she actually does want a baby? There’s an underlying feeling that you’re ’not enough’ if she still has the urge to have another baby, that perhaps she’s worried you’ll feel.

The only reason I’m wondering this is that you do seem genuinely perplexed by his desire to father a child when that’s a reasonably (arguably very) normal urge that many (most?) men do feel. Wanting to share a child in a happy relationship (which you’ve said they do have) is also very normal. The way you’re writing, it feels like you genuinely don’t understand this. You’ve said he’s nor abusive and you are obviously deeply and understandably scarred by your experience with your mum. The reality is that if someone is desperate for a child and their partner can’t or won’t give them one, their only option is to end the relationship. It could also be that this is what your mum means by feeling forced - he’s not actually forcing her, but he’s made his feelings on wanting his own child clear. So if she doesn’t share that desire, he will leave and move on with someone who does (which again is understandable).

It isn’t selfish of him to want his own child, and your feelings on this are very strong in the other direction. I just wonder if your mum feels like she has to continue this narrative to avoid conflict with you over her choice - putting it onto him rather than admitting she’s willingly choosing this. And ultimately, she is, and she’s free to make that choice. At her age, if she wanted to hide the fact she’s on contraception and just allow it to ‘never happen’, it would be relatively easy to do.

there is such a lack of understanding around coercive control on this thread. She may be a grown adult but sounds like she’s quite limited in the decisions she can make. Worth being mindful of that and supporting her to make positive choices (and run as far away as possible from this man)