To struggle to see the appeal of a married man

[Julesglon]

As above really - inspired by a couple of recent threads.

Does anyone else find it baffling why women knowingly involve themselves with married men? Is it because they feel special that they’ve been able to win the attention of someone in a relationship, or a hope that they’ll be able to persuade them to leave to shack up, or simply a thrill?

I am genuinely curious, as I’d find being in that situation stressful on various counts.

I think it's because they're more likely to get the best version of him without the dirty pants and sweaty socks etc.

I've always assumed the new woman is unaware he is married or he has said they are separated, divorcing etc.

If she is fully aware of the marriage and the fact he still returns to the wife daily, then I have no idea why a woman would continue with it?

Or the cheating, lying version of him?

Once upon a time I knew someone who was a boyfriend stealer. It was a sort of kink she was obsessed with. She said it made her feel sexy and wanted and kind of powerful over men, like she could turn them on so much that they had no choice but to get with her. And she said she liked to imagine the girlfriend being rejected because of her.

I went to uni with her, and she was majorly messed up. She just really needed the validation as she had no self worth, despite being pretty. Somehow she felt more attractive by getting the men that were already taken, and she went out of her way to do it on purpose.

I hope she’s moved on and healed from all that now…

I don't really think that's going to bother them if they're aware he's married.

Second what @OnTheJourneyOnwards said, when I’ve known women who pursued attached men, there always seemed to be something profoundly broken under the surface bravado. I remember watching a uni friend crow that her “boyfriend” was texting her while out on a valentine’s date with his girlfriend, and thinking “Well, he’s out with her, isn’t he?” It seemed to be an ego boost for her.

An ex-friend of mine had an affair with a married man. She certainly knew he was married with children, she worked with his wife. As far as I know they’re still together while the wife has gone on to bigger and much better things. Presumably she thinks she’s won some sort of prize, until he trades her in for the next ‘cool girl’, which he will. My respect for her died the day I found out, we haven’t spoken since.

I would never date a married man, but I have had them show strong interest a few times.

The thing is, they show an interest which is so charming, so vulnerable, so intense, and it's devastating when you find out they are married. I guess some women are so flattered and swept off their feet that they ignore their conscience. But it's all a fantasy - those men wouldn't show such an intense interest if they were single.

I agree that it makes no sense - it's wrong morally and it must be awful emotionally as well.

Some married people don’t tell their date that they are married and the other person has already developed feelings before they know.

Some women like the idea of a married man because they feel he was harder to get to it’s like they’ve ‘won’.

Some don’t want the commitment and prefer to date and be spoiled, and some like the sense of power it gives them over another woman.

A met a girl at uni whose dad cheated on her mum. She seemed to want to prove that all men were like that so would only try to date guys in LTR.

She was super manipulative… when they tried to cool it, she would try to force them to see her in person to ‘give her the dignity of ending it in person’ then she’d try to reel them back in again. Really horrible.

I think it might have to do with a non attachment issue.

He's not available and the ow knows it. So it takes the pressure off the ow that they can have a bit of fun without the pressure of a relationship, having to commit etc.

It has taken me many years of thinking about why my ex cheated multiple times, and I think this is a factor. Can get what they want when they want and then just move on (to the next).

I had a good friend some years back who was involved with a married man for some years.TBH my friend had her own issues and was really quite vulnerable - I've often wondered if that appealed to the man - he certainly manipulated her (not that I'm excusing her behaviour - just trying to explain the dynamic).

He told all the stereotypical bullshit - him and his wife no longer had any real relationship, hadn't done for years, didn't sleep together, had separate rooms. That he didn't leave because his wife was vulnerable, his child was vulnerable but the marriage was dead and he had a plan to leave in a few years when his child was no longer a minor. That his wife wasn't nice to him. That my friend was the love of his life. That he'd never loved his wife the way he loved my friend. That my friend "got him" in ways his wife didn't. He was also about 15 years older than my friend and if she ever questioned anything he just made her feel as though she didn't understand the lifestage he and his wife were at.

He had a business he shared with his wife though he claimed he did all the work. He often said if he left before his child was an adult his wife would get half the business and destroy it.

He travelled a lot for business and would often take my friend to fancy cities, fancy hotels, but her fancy presents. He definitely romance-bombed her. My friend isn't the materialistic type but given her own issues I think in her head these things equated to "he really loves me"

She was "with" him for about 8 years. All the dates he'd set for "I'll leave my wife when X happens" came and went. His daughter grew up and left home. Then he couldn't leave as his wife was too upset at daughter leaving. Them he couldn't leave as wife's parent had died. Then because wife undertook the care of his elderly parent and he wasn't in a position too.

It was all bullshit and as her friends we could all see it but she couldn't. A lot of us drifted away from her because we couldn't deal with repeatedly having to be a shoulder to cry on over this man. None of us ever met him, we didn't want to and I'm sure he would have found some excuse not to. My friend had a huge row with another mutual friend that they've never got past as other-woman-friend was invited to mutual friend's wedding and mutual friend wouldn't invite married man.

They split after about 8 years when my friend said she needed a break from him until he left his wife and also threatened to tell the wife. She cut him off for a couple of weeks but I really don't believe that she ever intended it to be permanent, rather just to force him into action. I think the threat of her telling his wife (who obviously he had no intention of leaving) was too much for him and in the couple of weeks they were apart he replaced her with another (younger!) mistress. When my friend hot back in touch a few weeks later suggesting a reconciliation, he had no need for her anymore.

Anyway - this is absolutely not a defence - we all expressed our disapproval at the time - but maybe an explanation of the psychology of the appeal and how that appeal endured and made her blind to all the lies.

They shower them with attention when single men won’t even message them back but someone married with 2 young children seems to find the time. Or maybe that was just true in my case.

I had a relationship with a married man for a couple of years in my early 20s. I was absolutely head over heels about him. It took me a long time to see how weak and manipulative he was, and to see how cruel I was to his wife. Eventually I managed to dump him, and not take him back.
I regret it, and it's probably why I've remained single.

Another vote for “best version”.

Though frankly as I hit middle age I don’t understand why one would want any man, single married or whatever else. DH is enough of a pain in the arse without recruiting for a ringer.

I've recently lost a close childhood friend because she has cheated from her husband and children age 5 and 7. There was never indication that it was anything but boredom that caused it. She tried to get me to lie. I went the complete opposite way and told her husband. I don't know anything about her "other man" or I'd tell his wife too.

When I was seeing it was a married man, the lure of him was the fact that I knew it was only ever going to casual and there would be no expectations of commitment.

I was at a good point in my life, I was happy, I was free to be me and that’s how I wanted my life to stay.

Yes I could have started dating someone single and made it clear I didn’t want anything serious, but there still would have felt like I had some sort of tie to him, some sort of obligation to him….. like I had to see him, or I had to text him, or I had to consider him in my plans etc and I just didn’t want that. I would have felt like I owed him something just because I was “seeing him”. I would have felt some level of expectation from him.

It’s really hard to explain properly, but what I enjoyed about the married man was that he would never put any kind of demand on me or my time, or question me about anything I did or pressure me to act in a certain way etc.

Having him in my life was an “additional extra” to what was already a life I was happy with, rather than something (a single man), that may have added complication to it.

I had no intention of going out to date a married man……… I just met a guy on a girlie weekend who I really, really liked. When I went away for the weekend I had no intention at all of meeting any potential boyfriend or meeting an guy I would want to see again because like said, I didn’t want any relationship type complications in my life. So when he turned out to he married (which he was very honest about from the start) it kind of made everything easier as I knew that I could continue to see him without there being any kind of expectation (on either end) that we owed each other anything or that we saw anything long term coming from it.

We were together for just under a year and in that time we had lots of fun together, he met a lot of my friends, he met my parents (they obviously didn’t know he was married), we went on days out together etc, it just felt so normal, but also at same time it felt freeing because it was so uncomplicated between us), there were no expectations of each other and I didn’t ‘belong’ to him in anyway. It was all so easy.

I was 22 at the time and he was 25 so we were both pretty young really.

I’m 42 now so it was twenty years ago that it happened, but when I look back on my past it is still one of the unions (because I don’t know what else to label it as) that I felt the most happiest in.

As usual first reply nails it.

and why does everyone assume the OW wants the married man to leave his wife? In all likelihoods they're both quite happy with the arrangement.

There is another type of OW who (being insecure) crow about being able to steal boyfriends and being hotter than the wives etc. But honestly I think they're rarer than the type above.

In my sister’s case, apparently it’s due to her childhood experiences with men (my dad who left my mum when we were little) which makes her choose men who ‘aren’t or won’t be available’.
If a man is into her and wants to be with her and is ‘available’ she loses interest. It’s really sad on her part and she seems unable to change this pattern despite years of therapy.
But I’m still judging her for having done it.

I don’t get it either? I find lying about as attractive as syphilis and any married man who is cheating on his wife is by definition a liar, so….?
I also don’t hold with the “I don’t know her, so I don’t owe her anything” nonsense. I don’t “know” most people in the world but I certainly wouldn’t actively partake in something that I knew would devastate them.
That said, I do know a few women who have done this. All insecure women with attachment issues, all too keen to buy into the “my wife doesn’t understand me, we don’t sleep together” bullshit. I, like most women, have had married men try it on for years, since I was about 18. Even then I knew they were utterly full of shit!

So they want the breadcrumbs dropped?

I think they like to con themselves.

'Oh I'm just so cool and can't be tied down, only a married man would be interested in a casual relationship and not demand my precious time'. Snort.

Like we all don't know that there are plenty of single men who would be happy with a casual relationship and not take it further. The women I know who have gone time after time for married have all been profoundly fucked up (one abandoned as a child, the other had an emotionally negligent father).

They are both full of that false bravado 'Independent woman, I don't take no shit from no man' while indeed swallowing copious amounts of shit from their current married loan.

They convince themselves they are getting the 'best' of their married 'man' (personally I'd rather get the worst of a real man, than the best of a weasel) whilst failing to see they mean less than nothing to him, and have 'won' absolutely nothing.

I pity them both (though not half as much as I pity the poor child who was born to one of these unions, who doesn't really understand why 'daddy' only comes around twice a month).