To think “male vulnerability” is just a rebrand of self-pity?

[SharpTaupeWren]

Everywhere I turn it’s “let men be vulnerable.” But often it looks less like vulnerability and more like men wanting praise for wallowing. AIBU?

What qualifies you to judge each individual, and decide if they are genuine or not?

I have 3 DS, all in their 30s. They all have their vulnerabilities and have all been encouraged throughout their lives to talk these through. It’s been hard as society still has a bad attitude to this.

Like you, OP.

But we have beaten people like you. And they are all happy, settled, well rounded and positive people with solid marriages and careers.

So you can put your vile attitude back where it belongs: in the sewers.

Thinking that emotionally open or vulnerable = emotionally needy and weak is toxic masculinity.

The PP you quoted says women want men who are emotionally literate but not emotionally needy.

It's perfectly possible to talk about one's feelings, fears, etc without whining. It's possible and desirable to express emotions while taking responsibility for them.

It's toxic masculinity that can't tell the difference.

Hear, hear.

No it's toxic masculinity to tell men that they can only have feelings if they keep them quiet and don't talk about them

And that mean aren't allowed to be "weak"

Your reply, like a lot of others, shows how badly this country needs 'emotional literacy' education. It's part of the resilience we seem to have belatedly discovered we're lacking.

Most British men are unable to talk about their feelings with each other, let alone with women. Thinking it's 'weak' is a fundamental root of the problem: it shows they can't even conceptualise sharing their feelings without whining & whimpering.

I think its absolutely fine if men want to discuss their vulnerability with each other and to work on ways to help each other. I will happily cheer them on for the good work that it is. I also think its fine if men share their vulnerability with the women in their lives, provided the woman is open to it and/or its reciprocal. What I don't care for is when male vulnerability gets dropped on women's doorstep as a problem we need to immediately give our attention to, prioritising it over our own needs and those of other women. Like everything else concerning men, it tends to get a disproportionate amount of attention which diverts from issues impacting women, so that as soon as a man bravely discloses it, he's front and centre while the women around him plough on.

No, we need to lose the pressure that men feel to be macho, strong and never show weakness. I think this pressure has a lot to do with feeding male aggression so promoting the fact that men are vulnerable too will be good for all of us.

There’s a thin line between wallowing and being vulnerable but generally it’s better for society if men dealt with stuff by talking rather than drinking, being violent, taking it out on others…

I don't think it's weak

That's my point...

No. I think a lot of male vulnerabilities are extremely complex to tackle and should be taken as seriously as any other vulnerability among any other group.

A bit of empathy wouldn't go amiss, OP.

Men's mental health isn't about appealing to you lol

We can't build resilient people without acknowledging their feelings of vulnerability first, allowing them to trust others and feel safe with them. We risk creating angry men with no resilience, who are also in emotional pain.

I certainly don't want that for any of the men I love, or the women they interact with. 'Be kind' can often be misused, but in this set of circumstances it is valuable. It needs to be mutually applicable between the sexes and used to help, not exploit others.

reading the posts on this thread it a wonder why male suicide isn't higher my word

Stick with their own kind?
Doesbt sound problematic at all 🙄🙄

So many on here get feminism mixed up with despising men.

What does that even mean?

I am guessing it means men are allowed to have feelings and they allowed to feel sad.

Very dangerous to assume that all the sad men in the world are ‘wallowing’ and doing it for self pity.

Get a grip and learn to be a human being, OP.

To be honest, I think the pendulum has swung way too far in expressing emotions, etc for both sexes.

i do recognise the importance in being able to express vulnerabilities, anxieties a d fears. BUT - there is also a lot to be said about not letting emotions control you.

There is no point in trying to have a relationship with someone who is not going to give you what you need for example I dislike clingy men if I dont reply to your text within a few minutes I'm not cheating I might be peeing ive most likely put my phone down and 'lost" it then ive got busy and I won't grab it again until I need to I'm NOT CHEATING I'm BUSY and I have a life but time and time again texting calling clinging to me my ex used to leave work drive like hell to bring me lunch like it's a romantic gesture it's not your checking what I'm doing in the middle of the day I'm at fucking work or one time I was at the Dr's I shut my phone off because of the messages "where are you" talking to my doctor GO AWAY we split and it was the inevitable but I looovvee you I cant live without you I WONT LIVE WITHOUT YOU fucking deranged behaviour

Yes I'm single now yes I'm staying that way because this isn't romantic it's unhinged

And i dont despise men just limpets who won't accept boundaries

There's a middle ground sweet spot in-between a stiff upper lip and a wobbly bottom lip, that's best for both men and women.

Definitely. I went through a series of life crises and was advised to have significant amounts of therapy. I wept and agonised over the life events and by the end of a year, I actually felt worse in some ways.

The only thing that really helped me was long periods of work and study, then slowly returning to as close as normal as possible.

Awful things, including feelings need to be acknowledged and come to terms with, but staying too long in a place of grief or depression is harmful. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but I think there's something to be said for a balance between repair and resilience building...for both sexes.