To not know how to parent my autistic teen

[sameloneagain]

He’s 15, specialist school since early primary. Highly intelligent but extremely anxious and rigid.

Highly angry and verbally aggressive if pushed in any way, generally rude and nasty if fairly low demands put on him and has nice moments if left to exactly what he wants 24hrs a day which is in his room watching videos of his special interest, being given food at mealtimes and venturing out when he feels he can to do watch a tv programme with us.

He attends school every day who work tirelessly on objectives in EHCP. He goes to a group 2 nights a week and does 1 sport activity 1:1 with a specialist teacher. He won’t eat (at all) unless food is put in front of him and won’t do any tasks requested of him without distress. He does personal care well.

sorry - long post. Basically - everyone (family / friends / strangers) tells me he isn’t living in the real world, we need to make him see this isn’t how he can live as an adult etc etc. I get it but HOW am I supposed to ‘make him’ want to eat or leave the house or do chores or not speak to me like I’m a piece of shit….

im getting to the point where i need a little self preservation and accept this is who he is. I’ve spent 15 years trying to help and nothing I do seems to make a difference.

TLDR AIBU to just let him be who he is and accept he’ll probably need supported living of some sort or should I push him every day to do chores, spend time with people, do activities, cook, and sanction him when he screams and pushes me….

Personally I went total low/no demand with my autistic teen daughter. It has made both our lives so much easier and our relationship has improved massively. I’ve had to block out all outside noise telling me I should make her do this and go there etc..it’s been hard and I’ve doubted myself but actually life feels calmer for both of us. I have to trust she’ll find her way and she knows now I’m here to support her.
it sounds like you are doing an amazing job parenting your son, so give yourself a break and look after yourself as much as possible x

Just ignore well meaning family. The worst years of my life were those trying to raise autistic dc the way my family wanted to.

Low/no demand all the way here too.

He's not in a specialist school for no reason OP. You know that and anyone else should butt out quite honestly.
You can't 'force' change on a ND child. I know that, I have one, but in mainstream school.
I'm sure his specialist school probably have some provision for supporting children leaving school with what comes next. Also, they should have tips for managing his aggression etc at home.
You may have to accept that he needs to live in supported living in the future, if you can't have him at home.
For me, I found rewarding him to do something he didn't want to do paid off. There were no consequences, they simply didn't work anyway. Do things enough, they desensitise to them and you eventually don't need to reward. Far better than putting 'punishments' on a child who can't help feeling the way they do.
I'm not sure I helped, but I do feel for you.

Thanks both. That’s really helpful.

It feels like we’re failing him because real life will never be sitting in a bedroom, doing what you want all day and having food / drinks delivered to you but as you say I have to trust that he’ll find his way eventually and it’ll all work out. Or it won’t and he’ll have to live in some form of supported living.

I'm so tired of this life. The problem with low demand and letting him do what he wants is that is basically stops us from having a life outside the house, although I don’t even know what that is any more.

Been there (you might find a bit more support in SN teenagers btw).

DD is 19 now, and is like a different person .. mix of Sertraline, Growing up, and me letting go.

When she was 15 she wasn’t in school, wouldn’t come out of her room, wouldn’t engage, wouldn’t speak to us … with very dubious personal hygiene.

Please don’t take advice off people who do not have ND Teens … the “go to” for these people is “take devices off them” or “switch off the WiFi …whilst we know this is how our ND Teens regulate

“feels like we’re failing him because real life will never be sitting in a bedroom, doing what you want all day and having food / drinks delivered to you but as you say I have to trust that he’ll find his way eventually and it’ll all work out. Or it won’t and he’ll have to live in some form of supported living.”

Maybe not, but low/no demand could give him the space/capacity to expand into other interests beyond his room.

Would he be in his room and be fed by a trusted someone else so the rest of the family could have a day out?
When my dc knew there was a genuine option (come with us and do xyz or stay at home with Aunty L) he started to do more with us because he felt more in control of himself.

You can’t make him.

personal experience.
if he does want to engage you can build on that.

otherwise it is what it is.

Not really. We often give alternatives of doing xyz or having a close relative come and sit in the house with him and that usually ends up with him screaming at us that it isn’t an alternative and we’re forcing him to come with us because we know he doesn’t want to be at home with anyone other than us…..so we don’t go.

We can leave him at home for an hour or two but we can’t have days out etc and holidays we’ve tried he has completely ruined (not his fault but it is what it is - we all had a horrible time and have always come home early and lost loads of money, we won’t go on holidays now as it isn’t worth trying and failing).

I get respite from going to work but other than that, I don’t really know who I am any more.

Hey @sameloneagain
I logged in here for the first time in ages to create a v similar thread. My DS15 also has ASD and he won't do a thing! I don't want to hijack but just to confirm you're not the only alarmed parent of an autistic team. Good luck x

No / low demand here too. It did take me several years to come to terms with it being ok and to trust my judgement in doing it (even when it was the opposite of what dh wanted to do) but I'm seeing the benefits of it every day. Our family life is much calmer, and dd is progressing, just at her own pace, which is fine by me.