Why do I feel like this after my holiday?

[Cherryblossom200]

Hello,

I’ve just returned off an amazing holiday with 4 families and me and my DD. We were a huge group and known each other a long time. I’ve been away with the girls before but this was our first time with the husbands and kids.

We both had an amazing time, loads of giggles constant company and it was just lots of fun. The majority of the time it was the women on one table, men on another and kids on another table. It worked really well.

But somewhere towards the middle of the holiday, I started feeling a bit odd. I couldn’t understand why, but now on reflection I felt a bit like the odd one out. Seeing the dads with their kids, seeing the family units - at times it felt hard. I was never left out, but it stirred something up I’ve not felt before. A feeling of loneliness and not belonging. On the last night it just got very overwhelming and I had a bit of a cry, my friends were amazing. But I felt I let myself down as everyone was in such a jovial happy holiday mode.

Since being back I still feel strange, it’s probably a mix of tiredness and also sad tbe holiday is over. But I don’t understand why this holiday has made me feel so odd!

Sympathies, @Cherryblossom200- presumably you were the only single parent in the group? Have you been raising your DD solo throughout, or were there some early ‘family’ holidays before a split?
There’s powerful societal expectation of coupledom, especially when there’s a child. Most of the time, awareness of this is swamped by the sheer busy-ness of life as a single parent, but every now & again it comes to the forefront and can be lonely/demoralising.
I’m glad you’ve got lovely inclusive friends, and I hope you find your equilibrium again soon. Have some

Thank you 🙏 Yes I’ve been raising my DD solo from the start. Her father didn’t want to be involved. I’m used to it and normally it’s not something I think about. But this triggered something in me. I’m slowly feeling better again though x

OP I’m not a single parent but for various other reasons I have a similar issue in a different setting - difficult sibling/parent relationships.

Badically, it’s seeing what you are missing in your face. I’m ok until I see how lovely some dynamics and I cannot help but wish I had the same.

when in this position I often try to remind myself how bless I am that my friends have invited to a seat at their table.

and I know my single friends or those in difficult relationships feel the same when they have a seat at mine.

❤️

Thank you 😊 I’m worried they may think I was hard work towards the end of the holiday as I was more reserved than I was at the start of it. But I can’t help how I felt 🥹 I tried desperately to just not show how I was feeling but my friends picked up on how quiet I was.

I think there is so much pressure to be happy happy and enjoy every moment of holidays. But we are human! And we take our whole human experience on holiday. I doubt very much that your friends minded, they sound supportive and must see that you carry a lot solo parenting. Go easy on yourself 😊

They are amazing! Honestly I couldn’t ask for better friends. This was very much a ‘me’ thing and I explained that to them.

The holiday was very expensive in an all inclusive 5 star hotel which sort of put more pressure on me to have the best time 🤣 I think I overthink things at times. I have a child with ADHD and I think I also have it, we have other neurodivergent people/kids in the group so we get each other. But I struggled with the different dynamics.

I know what you mean. I did a group holiday once with extended family and my DH (with my full encouragement) went on a separate holiday. Our DD is AuDHD but we didn't know that then. She was so, so challenging especially at night, and my DP and DSis/family weren't all that understanding (except my grumpy old dad, who after yet another dinner time stand off, sent me outside with a glass of wine and started feeding DD pea by pea!)

Eldest niece and DSis and maybe DF are probably ND but no-one remarks on THEIR funny little ways. Only DD's!

I felt isolated and without backup. Plus I felt stressed about the driving as DH normally does it.

It was a bit of an eye opener.

My DD’s behaviour was at time challenging as a lot of the other kids are NT so she tended to stand out. I had to tell her off constantly which was hard work for both of us. I felt really sorry for her as well. A lot of the kids for praised for how wonderful they were apart from my DD. The majority of the time she was amazing and great fun, she was like a magnet for the other kids - but when she went into overwhelm it became hard. I think I just not only felt a bit lonely, but also I felt like we weren’t good enough in comparison to the other family units. It was nothing anyone did, it was just my own insecurities.

Aw, I get that.

My mum constantly praises my DNieces' academic skills and ability to plan ahead.

DD, while intelligent, sucks at all that but excels at sport and is a good little singer and actress.

We also suffered a really annoying couple at primary who went ON and ON about their daughter's academic achievements (the girls were friends) apparently with no thought ever striking them that it might be a bit difficult for us to hear (we live in an 11+ / competitive entry type area).

Is this partly about your own childhood perhaps?

I've certainly found it a real challenge to bring up a sporty child who detests reading, when I was the exact opposite.

Who praised the other children for ‘being wonderful?’

I think I’ve always been a bit of an introvert, I can be very sociable but then my social battery needs recharging much quicker than other peoples. I went away with fun people who are the life and soul of the party so I struggled at times.

It was friends in my group who praised some of the other kids. I always praise other children and it’s lovely, but hard when you never really hear it about your own child. After a while it becomes quite demoralising.

Holidays with other people are hard. And there is often a pressure to have this amazing time which usually isn't possible with kids. And the hardness and the pressure multiplies if you are single parent. I can totally understand why you are feeling what you are feeling and I would say, accept it and feel it and it's ok to feel how you are feeling, the good feelings and those you experience as less pleasant. Don't think there is anything wrong with you for feeling that way. I'm reading Miranda Hart's book at the moment and finding it so helpful. I wish I could give you a hug.

Sorry you struggled @Cherryblossom200 but glad you’re friends rallied around.

With regards to the behaviour, every time someone praised the other kids I’d have jumped in and praised your DD too. Even for something little, my eldest DD is auDHD like me. Sometimes she struggles in busy settings but she always does her best and we praise her for that no matter what.

Thanks nutbrown, I thought I was going mad to be feeling like this. I just didn’t expect to feel like this.

This is very helpful to read right now.
I also try to make a point of complimenting kids, it’s really important for the parents. I really try to ‘hear it’ if my DC are complimented on something. It’s an inclusive and generous thing to do, and so is making adult compliments. Wishing you well.

I can relate to this. I have children but I was with their father until around six years ago.

There were many events where I felt just like you did. I've not been on holiday with couple and wouldn't really as not my thing. I just wanted to say this still happens to me every now and again.

For a long time I stopped going to events where it was couples with children. I explained to my sister why and she completely understood but to everyone else I kept quiet. I just couldn't face social events with the kids on my own, as they have got older is improved a bit and I find myself enjoying things more though I am still choosy about what events I go to.

What has helped me is growing confidence in myself and also understanding that now I've been on my own for years there have been quite a few women who have told me they'd love to live alone. I'm in a lucky position that allows me to meet families all the time, so I know they come in all shapes and sizes. Compareing ourselves to others rarely makes us feel good.

Thanks everyone. The weird thing is, I’ve been on my own with my DD from the beginning so I know no difference. This is normal to me. I’m used to being in environments where there are couples all the time, and I love it. I get on well with the dads and have a laugh with them, but on holiday it was different and more intense which I wasn’t used to.