Grandparents want to be childcare

[FunnyOrca]

I’m expecting my first baby soon. This is also the first grandchild on my side of the family. My parents are excited. The plan is for me to take a little over a year off and I will go back to work when the baby is about 13 months.

My husband will do compressed hours to spend 1 day per week with the baby. My request for going down to 4 days was rejected “for the time being”. This would mean the baby will go to a Nursery 4 days each week (8am-4pm). I’m not in love with this idea of so much nursery so young.

My parents offered to do a day. I know I’m really lucky to have this offer and it would save a lot of money and also means the baby would only have to go 3 days per week to nursery, which seems more comfortable.

The hesitation is my own relationship with my mother. She can be really nice and she loves small children. But she is very short tempered and snaps quickly. In my experience, when she snaps, she says very hurtful things that are not related to the current moment. It’s like hurtful word vomit, anything that comes to mind even if it doesn’t really make sense. I don’t know if she even remembers what she’s said and she certainly never apologises.

I do think she is partly short tempered because of “obligations” she takes on. She can’t say no to anyone so ends up really busy and stressed. I’m also worried the day looking after the baby has the potential to be a source of the same kind of stress.

I guess, am I being unreasonable to worry about this situation? Do you have any advice for navigating it?

Also, just to add my dad is also in this scenario, but he will follow my mum’s lead. He is a much calmer character.

Don’t do it
for all the reasons you have said
let them be grandparents and you’ll all get on much better

Don’t do it - the last thing you need is this kind of behaviour in your baby’s life. And once you start the arrangement it will be a lot more difficult to get out of it than to just not start it.

Don’t accept the offer. Be pleased to use them for time out together for a meal or theatre. Much better than being beholden to them.

Look for a childminder instead of a nursery as it's more of a home from home environment so perfect for a young baby.

Do they have any other grandchildren or looked after any small dc recently. My parents, both early 60’s always said they would look after grandson but when it came to it, they really wanted a calm baby that just needed minimal care, whereas my DS wasn’t that. I left him with them at 5 months old to go to a funeral, at most 3 hours, they did ok, he seemed happy when I picked him up. Next time I left him, upon picking him up, I could tell he’d been crying as he was asleep and still upset. They said they couldn’t do anything with him. Next time I stayed for a while, but it was easy to see they couldn’t cope and we agreed that I wouldn’t leave him with them, unless absolutely necessary. My MIL who we didn’t think would be interested in looking after him, offered to go part time so she could look after him 2 days a week, she was fantastic.

I would love to and hear great things from the people that use them but we live really far from the nearest registered one because our city has so few.

My parents were my childcare. I bit their arm off as I had zero issues or questions to myself. You’ve decided you have boundaries or reservations. You now have to own that and say no to them.

Not a chance I would be okay with her looking after my baby given what you describe here. Break the cycle for your child, do not let them be exposed to that.

One day a week might work. From experience - if it is mid week - it gives the baby a day to have a really good sleep and a rest from nursery. Could you talk to them about how it would work in reality. Would they leave you in the lurch if they wanted to go away.

Tbh I would give it a go and see how it goes, could you maybe do 2 full days at nursery and 2 half days, and see if your parents would be happy to have your baby for two afternoons instead of a full day, it may be more manageable for them. My mum can be a bit like this as well but she’s so unbelievably patient with my kids that I wonder what has happened to the stressed anxious mother I had! My parents maintain they’re calmer in their older age and have a lot more patience for their grandchildren than they had their children, which appears to be true. My children absolutely adore their nana and it gives me a lot of joy to watch.

Trial it and have a back up plan. Family are often full of ideas of babysitting and childcare when you are pregnant but in reality it doesn’t always happen.

13 month old will likely love nursery. I'd sign him up for 4 days and there is nothing stopping the grandparents to take him out for a day here and there or take him out for some afternoons.

My mum also promised me the moon and stars when I was pregnant. It became very clear she was not up to the task. She hadn't raised a baby in 35 years, it's understandable.

And take it from a woman who is already back at work: it's unbelievably stressful. Like nothing you have ever experienced in your prior childless past. Foolproof childcare is absolutely KEY if you want to do well at your job.

I wouldn’t do it. If you do and the things you were concerned about happen it will be much worse to end the childcare based on her behaviour..
Ask for occasional babysitting you can control the frequency

This was going to be my suggestion. I had my eldest granddaughter 2 days a week from 7 months old I was only 55 but still found it hard work. They moved further away after 18 months and me childminding was impractical I have to admit I missed her terribly but was glad to have my days back.

does your mum really understand how hard work it is to have a child at her age, you look back at your own children and think yes I can do that, but when you’re responsible for a poorly child for the day who really just wants mummy, or you simply need to pop to the shop but it so long to get the buggy and shoes on and coat then find rabbit then need a wee then want teddy , it’s hard work will her short temper cope with it, I know i struggled and I have endless patience normally.

they have moved back now and I have the now 3 children age 3 - 8 3 days a week after preschool/school until 6.30 and all day in the holidays. It’s bloody exhausting, DH and I are strained and snap at each other sometimes. I love them and I love having them, but I’ve had them today and I’m shattered, had a lovely day but shattered ( DH is snoring )

maybe suggest she does 1 or 2 half days and see how it goes from there

Our little one started nursery at 9 months and she’s been absolutely fine :) my preference was actually nursery over childminder. She’s 19 months now and loves nursery!

I’d decline as “you don’t want to put such a commitment on them “ but ask them if they are happy to do the odd day of backup if LO is sick and can’t go to nursery. Not if they had something really contagious but those days when they are a bit snotty or a bit off. You’d be surprised how many sick days young ones get when they first go to nursery! That might placate her

Don’t do this: Four days’ nursery is fine, and a lot less stressful than falling out with your mother who you rely on for a day a week. You can’t just say to nursery that you want an extra day when things go wrong - they have to plan for that. I would keep granny for the days baby is sick but not really sick - but too “sick” for nursery - ask for her help on those days instead

Honestly do the 4 days nursery you will be glad you pay for the peace of mind..your relationship with your mum sounds tricky and the childcare aspect will increase tension. What happens when she has an appointment or wants to go a holiday? When I went back to work I initially had my mum doing childcare and a childminder.. within a year my mum became seriously ill with cancer. We also had issues with childminder eg when she wanted to take holidays or couldn't open as her own children were poorly etc

Just because you pay for a four day space doesn't mean grandparents can't have them a day or two a month. Id say it's better for baby to settle going each day but once that's worked out they could take baby out on odd days that way they can enjoy being grandparents build a close bond but not be tied for things like illness, holidays or appointments. It's really hard for many grandparents to desperate the role of grandparents from being regular childcare. I work as a cm and most families who try this struggle with boundaries and not wanting to upset anyone.

My baby went to nursery full time from 12 months by necessity. Absolutely loves it. 20 months now and when wakes up asks if nursery today and gets excited if its yes. They're not evil, it won't traumatise your child.

I personally chose the nursery over a childminder as, while I appreciate the home environment angle, I liked that the nursery had multiple staff per room so more eyes on, an app for updates, CCTV, really tight safeguarding and security measures, holiday and illness cover for staff, it was also attached to my work.