Not wanting to get married anymore

[SnappyOpalShaker]

Aibu?

I (28f)have been with my boyfriend (36m) for 7 years. He is divorced, I've never been married and was never really interested in getting married. After around a year together we discussed the future, kids etc, and decided we didn't want kids(we each have one already) but I realised I actually wanted to marry him! He said not immediately, but not saying never! Fast forward a few years and every conversation about marriage turned awkward and was hard to discuss, especially when friends etc brought it up. One day I started the conversation and asked why it was so awkward, and what he actually wanted. I got a bit upset, and he said he did want to get married, but not right now, when things were a bit better. He named a few reasons why which I wont put here but were nothing to do with our relationship. I've suffered with anxiety for years, and it's been a rough couple of years with other things in life, but I took this as when I was in a better place mentally, it might happen. This pissed me off, because I want someone to want to marry me no matter what, not just when things are good! I told him I didn't want to get married anymore, and we haven't discussed it in depth since, but I don't think he took me seriously. I'd rather never get married, than have a pity wedding! I'm just not sure if this makes me sound childish. It's not a deal breaker for me, it's just something I would have liked to do. It's come up in conversation a few times and he seems more open to it now, and said that it's stupid but he would get annoyed when we talked about it but he didn't really know why. Our relationship is fantastic apart from this, I just don't know if this sounds ridiculous, and I have no one really to talk to! We were talking about our friends getting married yesterday and I said something against marriage, he looked shocked and now seems quite open to getting married, but I'm a bit over it at this point! Just wanted to know if i was being unreasonable for not wanting to get married anymore?

No one is unreasonable for not wanting to get married but in your case not wanting to is borne out of resentment of the conditions placed ie improvement in your mental health. I would question the future here. After I divorced I had a set of criteria for dating and it included not getting involved with someone with poor mental health. In your partner’s case, he has got involved with you but didn’t want to marry you till it improved. So he’s never been fully committed. Is it that if your mental health didn’t improve by x time, he’d have exited the relationship?

He's never actually said that as a reason, that's my perception of the conversation. He's a really lovely guy, that doesn't have any malice in him at all. I've got zero reason to think that my mental health would ever cause him to leave. I obviously am well aware of the toll it must take on him, and I'm currently in counselling for it. I suppose I'm just hurt at his reaction, and maybe take things the wrong way, but I know I do that, hence why I asked for others opinion. I don't always feel like I can rely on my own judgement with things like this, I'm very much an overthinker! My mental health has been caused by factors during our relationship and hes been amazing through all of it.

So maybe it’s not your mental health OP, in which case you could have brewed this resentment without cause. For me (and no disrespect intended, purely a choice based on my past experience), I would have avoided getting involved with someone with MH issues, but he hasn’t and you feel he’d never have left for that reason, so it’s likely something else that caused him to say it. You could be cutting off your nose to spite your face?

Sounds like you’re cutting your nose off to spite your face to be honest. Deciding you no longer want to marry him because he doesn’t want to do so immediately. If things have been a bit hard or rocky, I think it’s normal to want to get married at a high point in the relationship and to wait for problems that might cause additional stress when planning a wedding to subside or resolve!

Without knowing the list of reasons he gave for not wanting to get married just yet it’s impossible to judge him really.

It could be he was spooked by you saying you wanted marriage then then you seemingly don't want it he feelscno pressure so he seemingly is more open to it. I'd play cool to marriage and see how things develop. He might become more keen as time goes by and suprise you with a proposal at some point.

I think you probably need to give this some thought, because you are not really saying you don't want to get married , you are not anti marriage, or certainly you were not before, but you are saying -is you don't want to get married to him. Possibly because then as a divorced man 30 ish with child he wasn't especially enthusiastic about marriage when you said it first. many people who are divorced need many years to come around to the idea again. Or because of your perception of a conversation, that you feel was saying a pity wedding was what it would be , when you then admit in later comments, he didn't say it had anything to do with your mental health. I think you need to give yourself a break -what you thought sas a 22-23 or so year old in a newish relationship with a young child , must be different to you now at 28 years with an obviously good relationship that you are both committed to, after 7 years. You are a partnership- a family unit i assume, you can and should trust your own judgment about what you feel about the situation now, would you like to be married.

From a practical point of view, what is the benefit of marriage to you, and to your DP? You don't want children together, so you don't need marriage to protect you. Do you both own your own houses, or own a house jointly, or you rent together? In these cases marriage won't help, and just makes it a huge headache if you split in future. One thing to sort out would be next of kin stuff, and make wills if you haven't. But unless you are living in his house or something and paying rent so you aren't investing in your own property, there is nothing to gain (that you 'deserve' to gain anyway iyswim)!

Is it just that you want the fairytale romantic gesture, or a wedding day, or a sign of commitment? All of these are fine and good, but there are other ways to achieve them.