Dispute with x over secondary school

Clh1991 · 2025-08-14T23:26:22+00:00

Feeling extremely upset & anxious DD will be doing her Kent test in September if she does not pass she wishes to go to our local school 10 minutes away. However my x her dad wants her to go to another school that’s in the city over half an hour / hour in traffic away even if she doesn’t pass her Kent test. He is being completely dismissive of our wishes im so worried my daughter will end up going to a school she doesn’t want to go to that’s going to be a nightmare for us to get to. Does anyone know what will happen if we do not agree on a school can I just apply for the one of our choice anyway? Just to add both schools have a good reputation but the school that’s in the city there will be more children she knows going there but at a downside she will be having to leave a lot earlier & coming home later , the one near our home because she currently goes to school near the city it’s unlikely any of the children from her current school will be there , I have made my daughter aware of this but she really wants to go to the closer one if she does not pass … sorry for long post im just so worried over what to do

Tiswa · 15/08/2025 04:31

Who is the resident parent

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:18

Tiswa · 15/08/2025 04:31

Who is the resident parent

My daughter will spend 3 days a week at her dads so I would say I am but this is the main issue of why I want her to be at the school closest to me I want my daughter here full fime how it should be , her dad is more than happy with that arrangement too just not the local school he has proposed if she goes to the school in the city they will take her everyday ie him his mum & dad which is completely impractical.

OP posts:

Notquitethetruth · 15/08/2025 06:19

Your x sounds like a bully. His wants do not supercede that of you and your daughter. Apply for the nearest school and ignore him. Seems to be the best choice that will work for you both.

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:33

Notquitethetruth · 15/08/2025 06:19

Your x sounds like a bully. His wants do not supercede that of you and your daughter. Apply for the nearest school and ignore him. Seems to be the best choice that will work for you both.

He is a good man & loves my daughter very much however I think he feels under a lot of pressure as his mum used to be a head teacher so they believe they know best & have their mind set to only the schools in their city are the best. I know if he agrees to my local one he will receive grief from his mother , but honestly it is not a bad school at all from what I have read & heard.

With his mum being in the know I let them tell me where to send my daughter to primary/ junior school ( not wanting to argue with them ) & it’s been a nightmare the past 6 or so years driving into the city most days also lots of problems with my daughters learning / bullying at her current school. My daughter is a beautiful kind clever social little girl & I know she will thrive & make friends where ever she goes to school but only if she is happy she will thrive.

Currently he is implying I must not care about my daughters education/ & making out it’s where I can’t be bothered to do the school run it’s not that at all it’s about stability for my daughter & her being happy / content .. Also they want her to walk & get the bus on her own which I’m just not comfortable with it’s too soon , so many worries & anxieties over this whole thing I’m loosing sleep over it :(

OP posts:

Mustbethat · 15/08/2025 06:36

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:18

My daughter will spend 3 days a week at her dads so I would say I am but this is the main issue of why I want her to be at the school closest to me I want my daughter here full fime how it should be , her dad is more than happy with that arrangement too just not the local school he has proposed if she goes to the school in the city they will take her everyday ie him his mum & dad which is completely impractical.

Show quote history

why should she live with you full time? It sounds like your dd has a reasonably equal time with you both, but you want her with you full time because “that’s how it should be”? Why shouldn’t her dad spend time with her?

as for schools, I’d say it’s up to your dd. We had the opposite where stepson wanted to attend school 10 mins walk away from us, and stay with us mon-Thurs. his mum would not allow it for similar reasons about kids being with her full time and pulled a lot of emotional blackmail, so in the end that’s what stepson chose. Stayed with her and went to a school an hour away on public transport, getting up at 6 every morning.

if it’s what your dd wants though she needs to tell her dad that, with your backing.

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:42

Mustbethat · 15/08/2025 06:36

why should she live with you full time? It sounds like your dd has a reasonably equal time with you both, but you want her with you full time because “that’s how it should be”? Why shouldn’t her dad spend time with her?

as for schools, I’d say it’s up to your dd. We had the opposite where stepson wanted to attend school 10 mins walk away from us, and stay with us mon-Thurs. his mum would not allow it for similar reasons about kids being with her full time and pulled a lot of emotional blackmail, so in the end that’s what stepson chose. Stayed with her and went to a school an hour away on public transport, getting up at 6 every morning.

if it’s what your dd wants though she needs to tell her dad that, with your backing.

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My daughter wishes to be with me full time , she would still see her dad at the weekends .. most days she is at her dads it’s his mum & dad that look after her they are great & take her out but I just think the age she is she wants to be with her mum , I know the thing of going to one house then the other really effects her routine ( I’m honestly not being negative about it it’s just what I have observed & feel will be best for my daughter something & what she has told me which her dad agrees on too.

OP posts:

Thingsthatgo · 15/08/2025 06:44

So the secondary school is near her primary school and near her dad?
Would your ex have the same problems getting her to your favourite school, as you would have getting her into the city?
Have you and your DD visited the city school?

Notquitethetruth · 15/08/2025 06:46

Presume his mother is long retired. You let her choose your daughters previous school but that didn't work out well with problems of bullying and learning. Remind him of this when he presents 'mother knows best' mantra.
His daughter's happiness and well being should be his priority not the wants of his mother. Put your daughter first and don't be bullied.

DongDingBell · 15/08/2025 06:47

What address will go on the application form?
Does the address affect which school she is likely to get?
Read the application documentation carefully to determine which address will be classed as your daughter's main residence, and apply for schools she is likely to get from that address.

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:48

Thingsthatgo · 15/08/2025 06:44

So the secondary school is near her primary school and near her dad?
Would your ex have the same problems getting her to your favourite school, as you would have getting her into the city?
Have you and your DD visited the city school?

So basically if my daughter goes to the school near me it will be a switch so it will be her dad having the 30 minute/ hour school run he’s told me he isn’t happy about that , I’ve done it myself for 8 years yes it is a drag I’m not disputing that.

We will tour both of the schools.

OP posts:

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:52

DongDingBell · 15/08/2025 06:47

What address will go on the application form?
Does the address affect which school she is likely to get?
Read the application documentation carefully to determine which address will be classed as your daughter's main residence, and apply for schools she is likely to get from that address.

This is what I am worried about we used there address when we applied for her current school my daughter is registered to my address though doctors / council tax etc

OP posts:

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:57

Notquitethetruth · 15/08/2025 06:46

Presume his mother is long retired. You let her choose your daughters previous school but that didn't work out well with problems of bullying and learning. Remind him of this when he presents 'mother knows best' mantra.
His daughter's happiness and well being should be his priority not the wants of his mother. Put your daughter first and don't be bullied.

I did remind him of that but he completely dismissed it & suddenly needed to leave lol ..

Thank you for the advice & yeh he’s mums about 6 years retired I just appreciated their help & just thought she knows best so I went with it before where I didn’t want to argue with them.

OP posts:

CakeIsNotAvailable · 15/08/2025 07:03

Legally, school choice is one of the things on which both parents have to agree. If you can't agree, try mediation. If that fails, one of you will need to apply to court for a Specific Issue Order.

Which of the two schools is better for your child? Personally I'd choose the best school (looking at academic results, behaviour, atmosphere etc) rather than focusing on travel time, not least as it sounds like she will be local to her school friends for half the week regardless of which school you choose.

RappelChoan · 15/08/2025 07:05

You are arguing over something you don’t even know about yet. First step is the grammar test anyway. So don’t waste your energy on this just stay calm and say that now is not the time for a discussion on it.

Visit the relevant schools with an open mind, go back more than once if you need to, and then make the decision for your daughter with her best interests at the heart of it.

NeedUCAdviceplease · 15/08/2025 07:14

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:33

He is a good man & loves my daughter very much however I think he feels under a lot of pressure as his mum used to be a head teacher so they believe they know best & have their mind set to only the schools in their city are the best. I know if he agrees to my local one he will receive grief from his mother , but honestly it is not a bad school at all from what I have read & heard.

With his mum being in the know I let them tell me where to send my daughter to primary/ junior school ( not wanting to argue with them ) & it’s been a nightmare the past 6 or so years driving into the city most days also lots of problems with my daughters learning / bullying at her current school. My daughter is a beautiful kind clever social little girl & I know she will thrive & make friends where ever she goes to school but only if she is happy she will thrive.

Currently he is implying I must not care about my daughters education/ & making out it’s where I can’t be bothered to do the school run it’s not that at all it’s about stability for my daughter & her being happy / content .. Also they want her to walk & get the bus on her own which I’m just not comfortable with it’s too soon , so many worries & anxieties over this whole thing I’m loosing sleep over it :(

Show quote history

also lots of problems with my daughters learning / bullying at her current school.

OP, this is why your daughter doesn't want to go to the school in the city and wants a fresh start with kids she doesn't know at the closest school.
Bullying ruins the entire school experience and scars kids for life, and it tends to be worse in secondary school than in primary

Please tell your husband that no matter how much "better" the school he wants her to go to is, she is asking for a fresh start, to be away from the bullies, and to make new friends and an opportunity to do this will mean she will be happier, and if she is happier then she will learn better.

If your ex really is a loving father, he should understand this. And if his mother was a headteacher, she should too.

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 07:20

NeedUCAdviceplease · 15/08/2025 07:14

also lots of problems with my daughters learning / bullying at her current school.

OP, this is why your daughter doesn't want to go to the school in the city and wants a fresh start with kids she doesn't know at the closest school.
Bullying ruins the entire school experience and scars kids for life, and it tends to be worse in secondary school than in primary

Please tell your husband that no matter how much "better" the school he wants her to go to is, she is asking for a fresh start, to be away from the bullies, and to make new friends and an opportunity to do this will mean she will be happier, and if she is happier then she will learn better.

If your ex really is a loving father, he should understand this. And if his mother was a headteacher, she should too.

Edited

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You have made an excellent point I had not thought about it that way , my daughter wanting a complete fresh start that makes a lot of sense.

In regards to feeling happy & learning my daughter really does thrive when she is happy after bullying got physical I changed her class & she’s been a lot happier. She still has the odd bad day but her learning has been more stable since the class move. I will definitely keep in mind what you have said thank you.

OP posts:

Bearbookagainandagain · 15/08/2025 07:31

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:33

He is a good man & loves my daughter very much however I think he feels under a lot of pressure as his mum used to be a head teacher so they believe they know best & have their mind set to only the schools in their city are the best. I know if he agrees to my local one he will receive grief from his mother , but honestly it is not a bad school at all from what I have read & heard.

With his mum being in the know I let them tell me where to send my daughter to primary/ junior school ( not wanting to argue with them ) & it’s been a nightmare the past 6 or so years driving into the city most days also lots of problems with my daughters learning / bullying at her current school. My daughter is a beautiful kind clever social little girl & I know she will thrive & make friends where ever she goes to school but only if she is happy she will thrive.

Currently he is implying I must not care about my daughters education/ & making out it’s where I can’t be bothered to do the school run it’s not that at all it’s about stability for my daughter & her being happy / content .. Also they want her to walk & get the bus on her own which I’m just not comfortable with it’s too soon , so many worries & anxieties over this whole thing I’m loosing sleep over it :(

Show quote history

" mum used to be a head teacher so they believe they know best & have their mind set to only the schools in their city are the best."

Did you ask them why?

Could it be that the school is actually doing better academically?

I have heard a lot of parents stating "all schools are good" based on Ofsted ratings then not actually checking whether the school is getting students where they should be.

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 07:44

Bearbookagainandagain · 15/08/2025 07:31

" mum used to be a head teacher so they believe they know best & have their mind set to only the schools in their city are the best."

Did you ask them why?

Could it be that the school is actually doing better academically?

I have heard a lot of parents stating "all schools are good" based on Ofsted ratings then not actually checking whether the school is getting students where they should be.

Show quote history

The one in the city is slightly better academically that’s why I’m open to it & will view it.. my daughter used to attend a drama club there we both thought the school looked great the location is terrible though to get to from both houses.
Half hour from her dads at least an hour for us from my home ..

OP posts:

DongDingBell · 15/08/2025 08:38

Half hour from her dads at least an hour for us from my home ..

Will you even get a place from either address?

SpanThatWorld · 15/08/2025 08:47

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 06:33

He is a good man & loves my daughter very much however I think he feels under a lot of pressure as his mum used to be a head teacher so they believe they know best & have their mind set to only the schools in their city are the best. I know if he agrees to my local one he will receive grief from his mother , but honestly it is not a bad school at all from what I have read & heard.

With his mum being in the know I let them tell me where to send my daughter to primary/ junior school ( not wanting to argue with them ) & it’s been a nightmare the past 6 or so years driving into the city most days also lots of problems with my daughters learning / bullying at her current school. My daughter is a beautiful kind clever social little girl & I know she will thrive & make friends where ever she goes to school but only if she is happy she will thrive.

Currently he is implying I must not care about my daughters education/ & making out it’s where I can’t be bothered to do the school run it’s not that at all it’s about stability for my daughter & her being happy / content .. Also they want her to walk & get the bus on her own which I’m just not comfortable with it’s too soon , so many worries & anxieties over this whole thing I’m loosing sleep over it :(

Show quote history

It is completely normal for an 11 year old to go to school by bus.

HarryVanderspeigle · 15/08/2025 09:03

Surely your daughter needs to have input by 11. I chose my secondary school, although my parents obviously would have stepped in if it was a bad idea. She can also get busses and/or trains by secondary.

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 09:24

DongDingBell · 15/08/2025 08:38

Half hour from her dads at least an hour for us from my home ..

Will you even get a place from either address?

The one that my daughter & I want her to go too if she doesn’t pass her Kent test is 10 minutes away from my home

OP posts:

Original poster

Clh1991 · 15/08/2025 09:26

SpanThatWorld · 15/08/2025 08:47

It is completely normal for an 11 year old to go to school by bus.

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I understand that but my daughter hasn’t been out by herself yet in the summer I don’t mind as much but she isn’t street smart yet , from where I live it will be 2 busses probably making it a 2 hour journey

OP posts:

Clockchair · 15/08/2025 09:29

Mustbethat · 15/08/2025 06:36

why should she live with you full time? It sounds like your dd has a reasonably equal time with you both, but you want her with you full time because “that’s how it should be”? Why shouldn’t her dad spend time with her?

as for schools, I’d say it’s up to your dd. We had the opposite where stepson wanted to attend school 10 mins walk away from us, and stay with us mon-Thurs. his mum would not allow it for similar reasons about kids being with her full time and pulled a lot of emotional blackmail, so in the end that’s what stepson chose. Stayed with her and went to a school an hour away on public transport, getting up at 6 every morning.

if it’s what your dd wants though she needs to tell her dad that, with your backing.

Show quote history

Bloody hell are you me? Same thing happened to us. Excellent school 10 minutes walk away that DSD could have gone to but would have meant spending more time at ours. Her Mum absolutely would not have it and pulled every trick in the book until apparently DSD 'changed her mind on her own' and now she goes to a mediocre school that is 2 bus rides away from her Mum's and we have to drive her from ours. Ridiculous situation.

Notquitethetruth · 15/08/2025 13:22

It would be better for your daughter to develop a friendship group nearer to home. Friends she can meet up with regularly and socialise. It will improve her confidence and self esteem and help her move away from the bad memories of bullying.
Time for all the adults to listen to her needs and wants to help her grow and develop towards adulthood.