AIBU

[feduphousewife]

My “fiancé” (Been together 10 years,engaged for 3,no sign of getting married soon) doesn’t notice anything that needs doing ! I do all of the housework, everything for our two young children (2 under 2) and I’m exhausted !
We have the same argument every month or say which is usually me asking for help (with literally anything at all, I’m not greedy..) but he reckons that men don’t “see” these things and I should ask him or write him a list. This annoys me even more because why should I have to delegate and go to that effort !? Surely he should just open his eyes and do things without needing me to point them out.

Was he always like this?
Particularly before you had children with him.

Was he very different in the 7 years before you decided to have children with him?

Surely he should just open his eyes and do things without needing me to point them out.

Yeah he should. But he won't. What are you going to do?
Imagine spending the next 40 years with him!!

Why choose to live like this? I don’t want to sound unsympathetic but you’ve chosen to spend ten years being treated like a skivvy and you’ve added to your load considerably by having two kids with him. Why?

Could we perhaps be a bit more sympathetic to her until we know more about the circumstances.

My ex was like this.

Whilst I still do everything now as on my own with two kids, there's no stress of hoping or asking for help as that just made me pissed off.

don't know how I put up with it for so long tbh.

Id write a list of every chore you want him to do on a weekly basis. A one off job (writing the list) that could make your life easier (as he does it every week)

if he does it all, then your life is easier. If not, you decide your next steps.

You shouldn’t be asking him for “help” that implies he’s doing you a favour. It’s his responsibility to run the household and childcare as well as yours. He’s being a shit father and husband.

He’s not her husband.

@FenderStrat what circumstances are you waiting to hear about that’s not in the OP? She clearly states that he does nothing. Op made the choice to do it for 10 years and these are the consequences of her choices

You have to give him something that he can manage autonomously end to end. Ie meal planning, weekly shopping and cooking. He had 100% responsibility for it with no excuses and no wiggle room.

find something that works for your household and stick to it the. You do t need to tell him ‘oh the bathroom sink needs cleaning’ and nag til its done

YANBU to be fed up. It’s laziness, men have eyes and a brain in their head abut some of them CBA to bother using them if someone else will carry the mental load.
https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

I'm sorry OP, I haven't read any of your opening post - I just came on to congratulate you on your title 🥇

The answer to the question I asked in my first post.

I’m reaching a point where I think the mental load of noticing that something needs to be done is approximately equivalent to getting the thing done. So if you notice that the bins need to be taken out, you’ve done your part and you can legitimately ask your partner to take the bins out because that’s now his part. Perhaps you can notice about 80% of the housework and ask him to actually do it. I think that’s fair.

If men don’t see these things that would mean every man who lived without a woman would be living in squalor.

Even if he really doesn’t see that things need to be cleaned, that’s ok. He can crack on and do it anyway because he knows they have to be cleaned. He sees you doing it.

The household dynamic commonly changes when a couple have kids (so much less to do and think about doing), she’s got 2 under 2.

As it says in the piece I linked to, management is a job in itself.

He does it because he can
We all would
He knows you can’t make him
He won’t get married because then you have some legal claim on any money or pension he is building up because he can because he gets everything child and domestic done for free

It’s a sweet deal for him

I agree.
That's why I asked.

He's an absolute arse, and you don't have to put up with it 👍