To have ended my marriage

[user1491310727]

NC.

I ended my marriage a few years ago and every now and again I get a wave of guilt over it.

My reasons were:
Exh was terrible with money. He lost his job and I had to pay for everything. I still did 50% of the parenting during this time. He was on JSA buying portable dvd players whilst I had to ask my parents to buy new shoes for the children.
It was like having a third child. He once text me while I was working (from home) asking if I could watch the children so he could make dinner.
As soon as I told him it was over, he got straight onto dating sites and was chatting with women before he’d even moved out. (I discovered this innocently whilst using a family computer that was logged into his gmail)

Since then he has the children every other weekend but always prioritises his sex life above them. Doesn’t pay maintenance.

However, despite the above , he isn’t a bad person. I feel very guilty for picking the wrong person but also, for splitting up my family without a concrete reason. He didn’t cheat and wasn’t abusive. I just couldn’t bear it any longer. However now my children are older and “easier” I feel like maybe I was wrong. I also feel there is so much stigma about being a single mum without a good enough reason.

so MN, WIBU??

You were quite right to end this.
He hasn't exactly stepped up since the split, either.

You need not feel any guilt.

YABU to say there was no concrete reasons.

Financially irresponsible, unemployable and incompetent to cook or do other tasks whilst looking after children make a pretty compelling reason to break up.

Your standards sounds low - he’s definitely not a ‘good’ person if she sees children twice a month and contributes nothing to their upbringing.

I think you had a good reason if that helps. We all have doubts about past decisions from time to time but usually they are unfounded. I'm a single mum, divorced I never told anyone why it's nobody else's business.

If he’s not a bad person, why isn’t he supporting his children? You are well rid.

As if 33% of people think you’re unreasonable to leave a marriage that was pure shit!

I don't think you should feel remotely guilty. You did the best thing for your family by ending a marriage to an industrial grade cocklodger.

Give yourself a pat on the back.

This doesn't surprise me. A lot of people on this board have breathtakingly low standards in what they require from a man.

You’d have been more unreasonable to not divorce the loser! You should value yourself much higher than this op, plus you’re teaching your children not to put up with shit relationships when they’re older.

You left a free-loading layabout, and are raising your children to have higher standards and better morals.

How could that have been wrong? You and your dcs deserve much much better.

Accidentally pressed you are unreasonable. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. You 100% made the right decision to divorce

From what you say, I think you made exactly the right decision.

I picked you are being unreasonable - to even think it was a bad idea to stay with him when you clearly deserve better , i think you did the right thing.

A father who only bothers to see his kids twice a month and doesnt contribute to their upbringing, is not a good person. If he was a good person, he'd be spending his last £5 on giving it to you for school shoes etc. He'd be trying to see his kids more. He would be trying to improve his financial situation so he could provide.

Why have you not pursued him for maintenance? Not paying towards his children is not the sign of a good parent so you're fooling yourself if you think he's a good person

I assume they have voted that way to say you are being unreasonable to feel guilty!

Well done OP for being one of the women on here not willing to settle for a lifetime of rubbish treatment and disrespect. You did the right thing. You should not feel guilty. Every time you see your kids, you should feel proud and think that you have given them a chance of a happy life and you are a brilliant role model.

Sounds like you had plenty of reasons.

I think the voting is confusing. It reads like it’s a choice between unreasonable to think she was wrong to leave and reasonable to think she should’ve stayed. At least that’s how I read it. I voted wrong I think ! It was def not unreasonable to leave

Ah okay makes sense 🙈

Thank you.

I have spent too long reading comments on here that are along the lines of “unless it’s abusive you should work on your marriage”

As for maintenance, I have had an open case with the CMS for 2 years and for most of that time they have said he doesn’t have to pay anything. 2 months ago they have now found he owes me £2k! He hasn’t paid any of the instalments so I’ve notified them and everything on my account now says “in progress”

I feel a bit better now, just guilty for choosing a shit man for my kids

The behaviour you describe sounds very much like he has ADHD. He gets his dopamine fix from spending money, sex and one-off hyperfixations (portable DVD players).
he has no executive functioning to:

1. adequately perform at work and hold down a job.
2. prioritise the basics of a family. Eg budget and manage money.
3. plan his time to see his kids

i expect he is a good person with undiagnosed ADHD, which means he is not very good at the basic requirements of being a husband and dad.

You could encourage him to get diagnosed, but it’s a double-edged sword as the ADHD brain won’t know how to make changes to improve these things.

also look at your kids. It’s hereditary. If you think your ex has ADHD then be aware that they likely do too. Support and diagnosis for them as early as possible is going to help them avoid the problems your ex-husband has.

He IS a bad person, well a bad father, partner and co-parent ex partner.