Being 30 with no real friends?

[Mariana95]

It’s more of an “am I odd?” than “am I unreasonable?”.

I’m 30 and I have no real close friends like most people my age. My siblings have several, people they’ve met at uni, through previous jobs etc.

Before anyone says it, I’m not a bitch; I’m never involved in any gossiping or cliques. I actually hate that and can’t be bothered with it.

I’ve moved around a lot, living in one city for a few years then another, changing jobs. Wherever I move, I always make lots of acquaintances and casual acquaintance type friends, I’m invited to nights out and coffee meet ups etc, but I always lose touch with people when I leave, as were both busy and time passes….so I feel I have no close friends. I spend a lot of time alone when I’m not at work, either I’m at the gym or running, or I’m just listening to podcasts and reading in a cafe.

I’m a very fit, well groomed woman, fashionable etc - I have lots in common with most women my age, and I’m nice. I just don’t seem to make connections with people that last.

Am I strange? Or is this just how my life has panned out?

thanks x

I'm quite similar, I am 30 too. I do have a few friends from years ago who I keep in touch with regularly, however we dont meet up all that often (and one now lives in NZ)

I find it hard to build real connections i think, I have a baby so go to lots of groups etc, but I find it difficult to get beyond that superficial chat. I also have/had loads of acquaintances at work but never really get to feeling 'close' to them or go to that next level, like meeting outside work.

I don't really have any answers, but i certainly dont think you're strange! (Unless we are both just strange 😅)

I wouldn't assume that everyone else has friends of a better quality than the ones you describe. You move around and it sounds like you do make friends easily - get invited for coffees etc. So you don't put people off.

Ime close friendship is formed through shared passions - what do you really love doing? Find a way to do that with other people. You say you run - have you joined a couple of running clubs - maybe a mixed one and a women's one? What do you enjoy apart from fitness?

I've also found people warm up to you more if you let small amounts slip about yourself - drop the mask of perfect, average, super-polite, friendly to all woman as it comes over as banal and inscrutable. People don't want to friends with people who are equally nice to everyone. They want someone to be discerning and choose them for a reason. I found people much friendlier if I was slightly (not massively) opinionated, or told anecdotes that showed my or my family's failings a bit in a humorous way rather than trying to seem perfect and successful. If you are honest like this - about anything from politics to religion to childrearing to feminism - not soapboxy just a few comments - then some people will steer clear. Good. Repel people who you don;t really have much in common with and attract those you do.

I actually think it’s completely normal just to have friends for different seasons rather than life long friends.

Although I do have a few friends that I have been friends with for years I definitely gravitate closer towards people in seasons of my life

For example mum friends after having my baby. I might not be close to them after a couple of years but during the early days being close. Work friends that you make but then lose after you move away or get another job. Gym friends, yoga friends, hobby friends. It’s ok for them not to remain in your life forever and that doesn’t mean there is anything “wrong” with you

You can still be social and only chat to people at the gym or work.

If it is something you dislike then definitely put yourself out there more, it is harder to make friends when you’re an adult but it’s definitely not impossible!

This helps so much. You sound exactly like me except I don’t have a baby or boyfriend/DH!

Bump for more responses

I had a handful of friends at 30 and now I have a handful of friends at 40, some old some new. What you call an acquaintance I consider a friend, in the right setting.
What you are describing for me is my family (I don’t have a partner but what you are talking about sounds like a partner to me)

I'm 41 but never had close friends and never bothered me. I gave up in my late 20s as I didn't want to be part of gossipy groups and the ones I was in both were and I can't be bothered with all the he said she said drama

I don't think it's odd.

I don't have many friends. I've never really admitted it to people how few I've actually got. I didn't keep in touch with anyone from school as moved away. Didn't go to University at 18 but started work and most colleagues were 20+ years older than me or had nothing in common, different life stages etc.

I think I missed the boat, as people get older they get into relationships, have children and friends fall by the wayside.

I do have a few friends but only see them a few times a year. I think they have other people they would class more as a friend before me.

I feel when trying to make new friends as an adult it's really hard work, you have to do most of the asking/arranging and if you don't, nothing ever happens.

I do think it's odd as there are so many ways to keep in touch.

Didn't you ever go back to the area? Call / WhatsApp / use Facebook / have mutual friends etc?

Friendships- like most things - need to be nurtured with some time and attention. It's not hard work but of course if you don't make any effort that will affect the longevity of your relationships with people.

I have two close friends from school, we message every few weeks and meet a few times a year. We have less in common over the years but our past has kept us friends.
other than that I am similar op, I made friends at college. I have had work friends for the duration of jobs. When I had kids I made mum friends. But none ever seem to survive after the relevant time frame. I think it’s partly me, I don’t tend to push meet ups(maybe insecurity as I assume perhaps they don’t want to) I also tend to accept friendships at face value and don’t try to develop them beyond their basic function. So for example with mum friends i would do the toddler groups etc but not pursue a friendship beyond that so once the groups stop the friendship fizzled out.

i am married with 3 kids so that keeps me busy, I have kept a couple friends from last dc baby group (having learnt from previous two) we meet occasionally for coffee but I’m not close to them. Dh has a group of friends he sees a few times a year and occasionally we do couple things.

in your position if you are wanting more social stuff I’d look at friendship meet up groups or hobbies that might lead to friendships. I think unless you find your tribe at school, uni or work you have to really put your self out there. I’m ok at minute but may look to do more when kids are older.

It's very hard to make friends as an adult so I don't think it's unusual or even a reflection of your social skills. Thinking about my friends they are people I've lucked into finding and some people are going to be unlucky with the people they meet.