AIBU to ask DH not to vape in our car

[Purpleskies28]

I know there's so much debate about vapes but this is more a consideration question. Somehow I seem to have a radar for the smell, find it distinctive and I don't like it at all. When I use the car the seat belt feels like it has a residue and it gets my hair, clothes and skin.

DH has issues with lying about doing it but I told him I know he does and he can do what he wants but please not in the car because I find it so unpleasant and can smell it on my hair for ages after. He agreed not to do it in the car. It isn't necessary as he never does long journeys 10 - 20 mins and has plenty of opportunities out of the car.

Today he popped out to a shop came back smelling so strongly I asked if he did it in the car. He said yes he did and got angry with me asking. I said I think it's reasonable for me to ask him not to, he had opportunity before getting in the car and driving 10 mins home and he had previously agreed. He said he doesnt think it's reasonable and stormed out. I think he thinks I'm treating him like a child

AIBU I just dont want this to be a massive thing but overstepping an agreed boundary feels unsettling.

Just to add any advice please on how to handle a discussion about this without sounding like I'm being a parent and him not being ashamed or embarrassed or whatever it is that stops him talking about it with me

Nope not unreasonable at all - disgusting synthetic type smell, makes me feel sick.

If it’s a joint car then you don’t get a veto on the rules, I get why it’s annoying for you though.

IMO this is a divorce worthy issue. He doesn’t respect you or care about your health.

Not unreasonable at all as far as I'm concerned. I think smoking and vaping are both disgusting. They both negatively impact everyone in the vicinity.

Adult dummies. Gross.

I vape and completely agree with you OP, he has no need to do it in the car and it's a shared space so it's basic consideration for his partner. I think you do have the right of veto actually, it's his responsibility to ensure his vaping doesn't impact those around him any more than absolutely necessary.

How do you both deal with other disagreements?

Is him storming out and acting like a child when you try to discuss anything the usual way it goes down? Or is it just with this issue?

He's being unreasonable to not care about what you think of something that has a genuine impact on you.

Would it be reasonable of you to piss on the seats because you ' just couldn't wait' until you got out?

If you don't vape and it's your car too, you get to veto

Unfortunately in reality, you don’t. OP can’t implement and enforce rules on a joint car, she’d be relying on him agreeing & he doesn’t. The only thing left for OP to do is decide how bothered she is, and what she’s prepared to do about it.

Thanks for all the replies. My upset today is that he agreed not to do it anymore then carried on doing it. Not discussing it with me and only when it gets to a point I'm having to bring it up. Then he says it's not reasonable for me to ask he doesn't do it in the car so why agree not to and say it was reasonable then and not communicate the change of mind.

About this issue yes he has some barrier to discussion about it. I know he is addicted and can't quit or isn't ready to and I accept that. The problem is he says I'm behaving like a parent trying to control him. I just want to be able to enjoy using the car or at least not dislike being in there.

In reality, why not? Firstly, he actually agreed and said he would stop. Secondly, it's her husband.

He accepted it was making her hugely uncomfortable. A car co-owning, loving husband should accept that veto accordingly.

It's a car, not a smoking room.

Because she isn’t the boss and she can’t enforce anything. She said what her preference was, he evidently disagrees, she isn’t able to force him.

I'm astounded the bar in marriage is so low

He shouldn’t do it because it bothers you. He doesn’t respect your feelings. Can you afford to buy a cheap runaround for him to smoke in.

It's worrying that he's describing you expressing a preference (with good reason, this isn't green vs blue curtains!) as 'trying to control him'.

He's trying to make you feel like you don't have a right to your opinion (probably because he knows deep down he's acting like a spoilt brat). He's wrong; you do! This is a DARVO, he's being controlling but projecting it onto you.

I'm sure you've probably tried this, but speaking about it from your point of view, using 'I' statements rather than 'you' statements , eg 'I hate the smell on my hair' father than 'you shouldn't do it' might get through without triggering his defensiveness.

I don't want to be a doom monger but if the conversation can't be moved onto a more productive level, you've got bigger problems than him smoking in the car.

Yet another boring vape-bashing thread.

I'm just glad smoking-related deaths keep dropping.

Yes, it’s his car too.