Etiquette with talking to neighbouring care home

[Feliciacat]

Hi, I live next to a care home which has been operating for two months. I don’t have an issue with this; vulnerable children need somewhere to live! However, there’s a weird atmosphere and I was wondering how I should be playing things.

The home was getting up and running for six months prior to opening and during that time, people were seldom there but they sent lots of furniture (think IKEA furniture) which I had to receive. Then nobody was in the home for weeks so it stayed in my hallway for weeks. I never complained about this and simply tried to catch the workers when they were there and acted like it was no big deal that we’d had to take their deliveries. They said thank you.

I had also spoken to the care home manager and said the staff could ask us if they needed anything. I gave some tips on the parking situation round here as they hadn’t been aware that they were able to park on their side of the road. They said thank you.

I thought I’d been nice enough without being intrusive and so when the home opened, I went over with another parcel for them and introduced myself as being from next door and said they could ask if they needed anything. The guy who answered (a care worker) sneered at me, grabbed the parcel and shut the door in my face. I took from this that the care workers just saw us as people who lived next door to their workplace and I thought ‘ok, fair enough’.

The current situation is that they all blank us (service user, their family and the care workers) and will huff and go back inside if we go into our garden. They also use our (not shared) driveway to block us in when they need somewhere to park and they use our gate and driveway to enter and exit their house. It all seems really hostile to be honest given that we’re not good enough to talk to!

My AIBU is: should I make more effort to get to know them? What’s the etiquette with a commercial enterprise being next door? Should I say to the care home manager to stop people using our drive or is that harsh because they’re a care home?

I think you need to be a bit tougher. I would not have agreed to receive those parcels. I would start to park on the road across my driveway so they get out of the habit of parking there.

I would stop interacting if I were you. Don't take in any more parcels. Ask the manager to tell the staff to stop using your driveway.

I suppose my dilemma is that I don’t want the service user to feel like we don’t like her. The garden fence is quite low so I think that’s maybe why they feel awkward when we go in the garden. If we blank them back then maybe it would be unkind to her. I’m used to being friendly to neighbours so this is a confusing situation for me.

I definitely think I should tell the manager what’s happening. I just feel bad that the home’s literature that was put through our door said that they wanted to be part of the community and now I won’t be welcoming to them.

They are treating you like a doormat because you've behaved like one. You did not have to take in their furniture or store it. It was their responsibility to ensure someone was in to receive it. They now think they can do whatever they like and you won't complain. You need to tell them firmly not to block you in or use your drive. Ignore any huffing they do when you're in your own garden. You're clearly a kind person, and that's to your credit, but unfortunately they don't appreciate your decency so nip their rudeness in the bud now.

If it wasn’t a care home, if it was a bog standard entitled and rude neighbour would you be having these worries about what they thought of you?

What are you rolling out the red carpet for them for? Treat them the same as any other neighbours. They are being CF’s.

This! They’re walking all over you. I’d go apeshit if they parked on my drive, and I’d call the police if they blocked me in.

You should go the opposite direction. Use your garden when you want. Stop taking deliveries. Don't offer anything. Tell them not to use your drive way and it they do, call someone to get rid or put some barriers.

Why on earth were you talking in parcels for them? If they order something they should make arrangements to receive the items. That was incredibly cheeky, and they now see you as a door mat. Stop taking in parcels. Use your garden whenever you want to, you have paid for it! And tell the care manager that staff are not to use your gate and driveway. What a nerve! If you don’t stop this now you will never get them off your back.

Thank you for these replies! I appreciate the time taken.

I think I feel this way too because my neighbour who owns next door and rents it to the care home went apeshit at me and my husband when we expressed that we were concerned about parking with a care home next door. He said we were unfeeling and that people in care were people too! So I’ve tried to act nice to them to make up for this. This neighbour doesn’t have to live next door to them though! I bet he wouldn’t like having this behaviour next to him.

It does appear that they think they can do whatever they like. We were told the care home would be no more disruptive than a normal residential home (it just has one service user and two workers there so this is in theory true). However, we’ve lived here nine years and never known any neighbours to use our driveway like this. It’s definitely more disruptive than a residential home.

Stop being such a walkover! No way should they be parking on your drive or using your gate. Put something on the drive (lockable bollard) and a bolt/padlock on your gate. Stop letting them take the piss. Just because it’s a care home doesn’t mean they can treat you like shit.

Yeah I pretty much have been being lenient with them because they’re a care home and I didn’t want them to think I was some nasty neighbour. I guess they’re the nasty neighbours though!

I’ve just sent this to the manager:

Hi, I hope you’re well. Not meaning to cause any bother or bad feeling but we need to raise something with you.

The care workers, their visitors, construction workers at the home, the service user and her family have consistently been using our gate and our part of the grass to enter and exit the home. We have also frequently been blocked into our driveway when there are staff meetings and when the care staff are being picked up. The cars have been there for up to an hour.

I think it’s probably a misunderstanding about where the boundaries are. The boundary is where the pebbles are on the concrete. So a third of the grass outside is ours and the parking spot and gate outside ours is ours. I’d also like to point out that we have a dropped kerb outside our house so nobody should be blocking us in.

We have individually gone out to people and politely explained not to block us in or use our driveway to enter and exit number the home but it’s such a widespread problem (nearly everyone does it and have done for two months) that we would appreciate it if you could cascade the message.

Thank you for your consideration. We hope the service user is enjoying living here.

By 100% sure on what you mean by service user to be honest. But you need to stop being friends. They’re a business so you need to be business professional. Certainly explai. Where the boundaries are but maybe consider if it’s vague putting some permanent fence/planters/etc to make it clear.

as for the garden if they huff because you’re in the garden maybe they have safeguarding concerns about the height of fence. If that’s the case then they need to increase the height on their side. Is the fence on your side of the boundary? Do you own it? I’d continue using your garden as you want and maybe a quick ‘hello’ if they’re out too but know your garden boundary situation

I would consider a taller fence or planting to give screening.
If things don't improve following your letter a redesign of your front drive area and gate may be needed (lock on the gate, penquin bollard)
Host christmas drinks with all your neighbours and invite or something around Halloween to show it's not personal and you are friendly just not a pushover.

The fence between us belongs to us. So they can’t make it go higher. They chose to set up the home knowing what the fence was like though so my husband says we shouldn’t have to spend money raising the fence just because of them. It’s also the case that a huge amount of neighbours can see into their garden even if the fence was raised. It’s one of those estates where the houses are on top of each other. If you’re on the second floor, you can see into about 20 gardens. Maybe they didn’t appreciate this but they should have done their research there.

We could potentially put a 1m fence in our front garden without planning permission but then it would be hard to mow the grass and really, we’ve never had this issue before. There’s a pebbled line to indicate where the boundary is so it’s very clear.

@Jellyslothbridge I’m not sure about inviting them to a party since the service user (the person being cared for) is a vulnerable 14 year old and there may be safeguarding concerns. I do socialise with other neighbours on the street but the care home have made it clear they’re not up for that. If that’s the case then it’s ok but they can’t use our driveway too.

You used too many words. If the manager is a bloke, he stopped reading half way through the first sentence and thought “fuck this. I have enough on my plate.”

Find out what your remedies are. Police, council or whatever. Practice writing with pith. Say what you want. That’s all. NO MORE. Men never, ever put themselves out until they are made so uncomfortable that the doing what you want is the easier option.

I think the email is a good starting point - if there are any further incidents over the next week I'd follow up with something much firmer.
You shouldn't have to change your fence (unless you want to). They are perfectly entitled to erect their own taller fence on their side of the boundary, so if they have issue with you using your garden due to any safeguarding concerns etc then that's something they should be doing and paying for.