Ex in laws and seeing child

[Bee9328]

Hi all!

Looking for opinions of a situation Im in at the moment in regards to my ex in laws and thier son ( my ex husband) we divorced due to him being emotionally/ mentally abusive.

They have always not seen my child often annd even less so since I split from thier son despite living just 10 minute drive away. I have always been friendly with them and have always let them see my child if they have asked and even offered them to come here but they never have.

Currently if they ask to see my child it is at thier house and I take my child up to them where they will spend a few hours and then I will pick them back up to come home. Absolutely no help from or offering from my child’s father to do this even though they are his parents and he does have a good relationship with them.

My child father sees them when he chooses , which is very rarely, which is another battle Im facing at the moment making this situation hard. Of course his parents defend all of his actions regardless.

Now personally I no longer want to take my child back and for to thier house, for starters I feel like I’m being taken the mick out of as Im doing the run about for all of them and also it’s really getting to me how they are just in and out of my child’s life when they please too.

I get no thanks for taking my child to see them in fact my ex mil likes to post horrible quotes about me on fb too.

Inbetween seeing my child my ex mil might message once a month but otherwise I do not hear from them and they don’t send anything like gifts etc

My child does enjoy it when she is with them but dosent ask for them otherwise and I feel like I want to turn around and say it is now up to thier son to maintain this relationship with them and for him to do the work, I have no problem with my child seeing them but I’m sick of doing the work for them to do so, this has been for almost 2 years. Oh and my ex husband does not work so has all the time to see his daughter and maintain this relationship also.

Thoughts?

It should be up to her father to make arrangements for your DD to see his family.
If you had a good relationship with them it might be different but they treat you with contempt

Assuming they drive, the next time they ask, say 'Yes you can collect at x time and drop of at y' mainly because it gives you a break rather than anything else.

Or if they don't say 'sorry its up to ex to facilitate contact I don't have time to do it'

My ex fil drives but he is always in work so if never there to see my daughter anyway. Ex mil dosent but has a bus stop right outside her door that goes past my house.

It is your exes responsibility to enable the relationship between his child and his parents. You are under no obligation whatsoever. Next time they ask just tell them to sort it out with him.

As your FIL is posting horrible quotes about you on Facebook, I would definitely stop making any effort to facilitate them seeing your child.

Leave it up to your ex husband, and if he doesn't bother, your ex-in-laws won't get to see your child. They sound like horrible people so it will be no great loss.

You have been really tolerant so far, but not only do they not appreciate it, they are actively nasty about you. Fuck them!

I think you need to consider what your child gains from this dynamic.

You're lifting and laying her to a place where you as her one safe parent is being dismissed/criticised. If she's posting negative things about you online then I'd be very worried about what she's saying about you in front of your child. The fact your ex is abusive and they have a great relationship and he doesn't bother with your child is very telling that your mil also isn't a safe or appropriate person for your child because otherwise she'd be holding her son to account for his behaviour.

I'd stop running after them. They get to see your child based on the effort they put in. Mil is welcome to come via bus and visit dc at your home or take her out. Or to make plans when fil has the car and can drive them all. None of that is hard to manage.

I also personally wouldn't be fighting for an abusive parent to have contact. Your child deserves to be where they are actively wanted and are safe with appropriate adults.

These posts are actually make me tear up as it’s so nice to have people that get it!

Ive done my hardest the last year for them all even though when I left thier son I was instantly disregarded from the family.

You are absolutely right in terms of what my ex mil might be saying to her! Thank you!

Tbh I would continue doing this just for your child's sake, since it's only 10 mins away, not often and gives you a break (which I imagine you don't get many of if you're ex is shit?)

HOWEVER

I would definitely pick ex-MIL up on her FB posts aimed at your, if they continue I wouldn't facilitate contact any more and I'd make that clear to her.

*your ex!

I would back away. It’s up to the father to take the child to his parents and I certainly wouldn’t accommodate them if they are posting nasty things about you

You’ve been more than accommodating enough. It’s up to their son to manage this, refer them back to him.

Drop the rope and stop running around after everyone. I am very happily married to Dh and he’s lovely, my MIL is relatively decent as well and I get on with her. Even still, I don’t do any organising of her time with my dc. That’s Dh’s job, his family, his to sort out for everyone. It would be weird if your ex was coordinating your dc’s time with your family on your behalf. It’s not less silly that you’re doing it for him. If they aren’t that interested, your kids won’t miss out if they slow fade.

Given they are downright rude about you I wouldn't facilitate it. It's down to their son.

I did facilitate my girls relationship with their GP's as they were wonderful grandparents and devastated by their son's shitty behaviour. They reached out to me an asked and then became a big part in our new life (ex fucked off completely) so normally I'm very encouraging of GP relationships - but they're making no actual effort themselves and are being actively rude about you.

Would be different if your children were actively asking - though even then the in laws should be making effort!

OP have you spoken to ex MIL about her posting nasty things about you on Facebook? I would have confronted her and asked her why she thinks this is an appropriate way to treat the mother of her grandchild. I wouldn't be facilitating any more visits. Your ex is perfectly capable of taking his child to see his parents if he wishes to.

Well done you for keeping it up this long!

I would leave it now and if they contact you for a visit divert them to their darling child as it’s his side of the family…

it sounds like when you stop making any effort you probably won’t hear from them anyway. Sending love to you and your daughter.

It's on their son to arrange contact with the child, nothing to do with you. Opt out entirely and don't give it a moment of thought.
Unfriend the woman on FB (or whatever she's posting her drivel on), forward any messages or questions to their offspring.

I have asked her before in regards to fb posts, my name isnt included in them so she always says they are posted as “general quotes” or “with somebody else in mind”

🙃 yes of course they are..!

Her latest one was how to respond to false accusations from a divorce family mediation court… 😂

i do need to delete her off fb! But I just screenshot any i see if needed for future too!

I make arrangements for my children to see my parents, and it's up to ex to make arrangements for them to see his.

Weirdly, even though we lived with ex's mum for a bit, and my kids see my parents perhaps only once or twice a year, I'd say they're closer to my parents. Since we split, I took them to see ex's mum once, but she never visited us, and when I found out she'd visited ex and not bothered to see the kids (we live abroad) I decided to detach entirely. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

Not your problem

Screenshot all her nasty comments, it only takes two examples to report to the police (Malicious Telecommunications Act). Please stop facilitating contact, that is your ex’s job.

I would leave the visits entirely in your ex-husband's hands. He should liaise with his parents & arrange the travel, after confirming with you the date/time is convenient. Totally distance yourself from them, they're not deserving of your time or trouble.