To feel so grief stricken

[JudesBiggestFan]

A woman at work passed away at work a couple of weeks ago. She was just 60 but it was completely unexpected.

The thing is, I’d only started the job six months ago but she was one of the main managers I worked with and she was was so kind to me. She was kind to everyone but she made me so welcome and was so vibrant and fun.

It seems unbelievable that she’s gone so suddenly and I’m surprised at how much I keep thinking of her and crying. It’s also put me in a really weird head space where everything seems a bit futile and tenuous if you know what I mean…like I want to both make the most of every moment and alternately not care about anything at all because life can be over in an instant.

I feel daft talking about it in real life because I really hasn’t known her long but I feel like she’s made a massive impact on me and I don’t know what to do with my feelings. Does anyone know what I mean?

I’m so sorry OP, this is really sad to read. I do understand how you feel. Sometimes grief hits us very unexpectedly, for people that we may not have known for long or felt we were very close to. I remember feeling absolutely bereft when my sister’s boyfriend’s mum died, I’d never met her. I spent an entire day crying for her and her family, I’ve no idea why. It speaks volumes of how lovely this woman was and how she made an impact on your life. I have no advice on how to deal with it, apart from just letting yourself grieve and not feeling daft, your feelings are valid.

Be kind to yourself OP, no one can predict how you feel in grief, everything you describe sounds entirely ‘normal’ you are coming to terms with her death, and need to process your feelings.

Could you write a letter to the woman’s family
letting them know what an impact she had on you? I would be so touched to receive a kind message like that about a loved one.

I’m sorry OP, she sounds a lovely woman and it’s a shock. I agree with the suggestion above - work will be sending something to her family, see if you can add a card or message.
Looking ahead, a nice way to remember her and something to do with your feelings might be to take what she gave you and pass it on (to the next newbie).

Hi OP. Do you think it may have triggered something for you? A different loss or trauma? I know after I lost someone very dear to me that for about 10 years afterwards I would get very upset at anyone I even vaguely knew dying. I think any death just triggered the trauma of that particular death. I remember sobbing uncontrollably (very unlike me, I never cry in public) at a couple of funerals where I didn't know the person very well.

Any sudden death is traumatic and you were with her a lot for those six months you knew her. It's not surprising it's hit you hard and it will take some time to grieve.

Picture a jigsaw. While every piece is unique, some bits will have key focal points on them (animals' faces, flower centres, words, parts of buildings), some will have general things (sky, sand, sea) which many of the other piece have on too. However if one piece is missing, even from the sky or sea, it's very noticeable. Your colleague may not have been a close friend, but she contributed to you everyday, her voice, her smile, her words. Maybe not critical, but still special, familiar, comforting.

Whilst you hadn’t known her for long, she clearly made an impact on you and your life.

Find a way to reach out to her family who will be in shock, disbelief, and mourning for her, and share with them what she meant to you and the impact she had on you in the short time you knew her. That’s a nice thoughtful thing to do and they will definitely appreciate it hugely. That can be part of her legacy, that you can deliver on.

@ stichguru wow this is amazing, lovely how you wrote this.

Thank you all for your lovely words, they’re very comforting. I’m lucky that through my role I was able to create a book of condolence for her family from the comments of colleagues and that will be handed over at the wake. Hopefully it will bring them comfort and show them a different view of her. I think she will always stay with me, whenever I feel like I’m getting bogged down in silly things or when I’m tempted to be unkind rather than kind in a certain situation. I hope I can honour her in that way.