To feel irritated by weekend plans

[NorthernLass50]

I’m naturally an introvert so possibly feeling this more.
I work full time Mon-Fri in a busy job.
DH also works full time and tends to go fishing for a couple of nights at the end of the week unless we’ve got plans. We both get time on our own and then spend Sunday together which works well. No kids, one dog.

We’ve got plans every weekend now until the middle of September - due to family BBQs, birthdays (his family, not mine - both my parents are deceased).
I get on really well with his family but feel a bit drained by the social expectations. I don’t like leaving our dog for more than 4-5 hours and the upcoming bbq is bound to be most of the day. I tend to drive as not fussed about drinking so DH will have a few beers and then be over relaxed, making me feel like a bit of a nag about getting home.
We can’t take the dog with us.

After a week of non stop talking to people, I want to switch off a bit at the weekends.

Is it just me being unsociable? I prefer small groups of close friends every now and then, not weekend after weekend.
Bah humbug 🫣

YABU - there’s nothing wrong with those plans, get on with it
YANBU - yes it sounds full on, I’d be irritated too.

Just tell you dh you want to give it a miss this time and he makes his own way there

I just dont get this expectation that everybody has to turn up all the time

I have to say I get it. We’ve not had a totally free weekend since June and don’t have one until end of September, all the plans we have are family/friends/occasions and individually I’d be really looking forward to them but there is just something about having something scheduled every single week that makes even lovely things feel like a chore.

Agreed, just duck out, you don’t have to do everything together.

I think you should miss some of the events if it feels like too much for you, let him go on his own and take the time to yourself.

I feel ya. But summer will be over soon. Then we all get to hibernate again!

You don’t have to go every time surely?

I’m in the same situation as your DH (big family, lots of get togethers) and it pisses me off when my partner insists on coming to a family thing (because he feels he should, not because I make him) and then he keeps giving me “the look” which means he wants to go home! Such a killjoy.

your DH can just tell his family you have other plans.

Thank you. I broached not going earlier and he looked at me aghast and said - But they invited you!
As if saying no is not even an option.

I used to feel like this but then I moved cities for work just before the pandemic happened, I lost most of my old friends and haven’t really made new ones, and honestly the loneliness of the last five years is destroying me. I’d be so grateful to have any social plans most weekends. Can you try to reframe it a bit in your mind, think how much you’d miss those social connections if they didn’t exist, see it as a privilege rather than a chore?

Exactly this.
I know already if I go, I’ll want to come home after a couple of hours.

I used to block off a weekend a month for just doing nothing, it was great! Doesn't work so well now with kids as they have to be doing things

You are an introvert. Be proud of that. You need time to decompress. Try to make parts of your day people free and just for you. Do you have to go for the whole day? Can't you leave a bit earlier because of your dog? Can't someone give your husband a lift home if he wants to drink?

If it was broadly the same people each time my dh would have no problem just saying he’d give one a miss and come to the next one.
we both have pretty big busy families, there’s often stuff going on with them both and we live locally to them all.
i try and get what i can and do enjoy the socialness of it all but Dh can take it or leave it if he feels he needs a bit of time to himself.
We’ve got stuff on for the next 3 weekends, a wedding, a birthday party and then a bbq the following one (bank holiday weekend I think?) and then hosting a bbq ourselves the 3rd weekend. Different people each time in this case.
It’s nice to have things to look forward to but the 4th weekend will remain empty and I imagine we’ll have a very relaxing weekend!
We’re all a long time dead and won’t have anything to do but it’s okay to not go to stuff just because you’ve been invited. If you want a bit of time to do nothing just say you’re going to skip xyz, you’ll be seeing them the following weekend anyway!

I can't imagine talking to strangers for hours. It's not my thing

Perfectly happy with family, going to events, shops and back home with cup of tea and some reading

Thanks God I have only one pair of English in laws and they don't seem enamored with me. Ha. Too opiniated

Oh, he can get over it and explain that you’ve had a really busy week and need a rest or that you’re a bit under the weather. I reckon he just doesn’t want to drive.

I have a big family and we have gatherings of some form most months later. DH is an absolute introvert, completely hates gatherings, however, for me he will attend some. There are a few, for example weddings and Christmas, that we agree are none negotiable, however everything else, birthdays, bbq, general gatherings are all one on one off. So he'll come to one then wont come to the next, or he'll pick and choose through the year.
He tends to come to more than he misses now because we have children, but also after 15 years he's built up a few solid friendships and will spend time with them.

Could you possibly discuss something like this with DH? Almost a 1 in 1 out system?

Just. Say. No. Thank. You.

I met a woman once who had the weird belief that if you're invited to something you have a obligation to accept the invitation. That seems like madness to me. We all have the right to say no thank you.

You have plans, Friday night, Saturday Day, Saturday Night, Sunday Day and Sunday Night every week for the next month, plus on BH Monday? You must be very blessed with a HUGE loving family in law!

Or if you mean a few hours (because the dog can't be left longer) on one day of each weekend / BH, with plenty of down time around it- then I think that's really no big deal, and part of the give and take of being part of a family.

They invited you. Not summoned you 🙄.
my DH has a huge family too and he knows my social battery has limits; we decide together what the ‘important’ do’s are and I skip the rest. I’d say I go around 50% of the time.

So? Just tell him he can go but you don't want to as you need to chill this weekend.

I don't think you can go to the BBQ if it means leaving your dog home alone all day, that goes against the animal welfare act.

Could he get a train there, so he can go by himself and have a drink? You could pick him up from the station if you feel generous enough and won't be drinking yourself.

For people who really don't get why you might want a breather from a full on run of social events, I think a strategic migraine that will be best cured by a quiet day of rest on your own can be the way forward.

It’s ok not to go every time for sure.

or alternatively can your hubby make plans to go home separately so you can just leave for the dog when you need to?

You definitely do not have to go! Think of the 'me' time you can have whilst hes gone! BLISS!!!

Can there be a compromise, you go, keave early and he gets a taxi or public trxnsport

You could quite reasonably decide not to go ti some of these events, or you could travel separately back.

There must be a way for him to get back other than with you, and it’s really unfair for him to expect you to stay to the bitter end of these things when you don’t want to and are driving, just so he gets a lift.