My STBXH moved out in February when our DS was 21 months old after telling him
in January that it was over. The main reason for ending things was his complete disinterest and incompetence in being a dad when reality hit. He moved into the spare room as soon as DS was born and never did anything overnight. Or much during the day to compensate (DS was not a good sleeper for a long time). I really tried to get him to take it in turns putting him to bed and sporadically he would try but probably did it less than 20 times in his life.
I’ve worked so hard getting DS into a routine and did sleep training (I know not all agree with it but it been an absolute lifesaver for me) with him. He can still be difficult to get to bed but generally sleeps through at mine and we have a good routine. He is very close with my sister, we practically lived at hers when I was on maternity leave, and he stays at hers once a week. She doesn’t complain but does find it very hard to get him to bed and he often wakes up in the night there and needs holding back to sleep.
STBXH has not had DS overnight since he left. He drops him off at nursery twice a week, and has him for 3 hours on a Sunday afternoon. We live close by and he does drop in for ten mins a few times a week as well. But he’s never really done any actual parenting. He’s never fed him a meal. Has no idea what his routine is.
Ive recently put in a claim for child maintenance (I told him I wouldn’t ask for anything whilst he was renting as I just wanted him out. He’s now just moved into a house he has bought). I put on the claim that he was not having him overnight at all.
He called them and said this is wrong and he is going to have him two night a week. So they have subsequently decreased the amount from ~600 per month to ~400 per month. That is fine - if he is actually going to have him. He asked me how I think it is going to go with DS sleeping at his and I’ve said I think it is going to be difficult. He repeatedly says, well I’m happy for you to have him at yours but I’m not paying the ~600 a month as it’s a con, it doesn’t cost that much to raise him.
I won’t stop him seeing his son. But my absolute preference is to have him here every night overnight. Of course it would be lovely in some ways to have a night or two off, and my sister wouldn’t need to have him anymore. But STBXH has no patience and I know it will end up getting extremely stressful for everyone when he tries to put DS to bed. And I just know inevitably if he wakes in the night he will call me as he will not be able to comfort him. I also know deep down he doesn’t actually want DS overnight. He’s made enough comments that I know he is only doing it because of the decrease in CM payments. He also thinks as long as he tries to have him overnight then that counts and if DS won’t stay there that isn’t his fault and he should pay the lower amount 😂 hilarious
So. AIBU to call his bluff, let him try having him overnight knowing it is going to cause a lot of distress to my son? Or do I just say fine, just pay the lower amount even though I will having him every night?
Sorry for long post, thanks for reading!