to still fell angry at my exH?

Stressymadre · 2025-08-13T18:20:46+00:00

I left my exH just under 6 years ago after I discovered affair number 3. We have only been divorced officially for just over a year as he was an absolute ****** and dragged the divorce out to use up all my money and get what he wanted (the family home). He is a high earner (was £150k per year 6 years ago, no idea now) but he is "self-employed". We have 2 children who stay with him EOW and around 3/4 weeks a year for school holidays. Up until about 2 months (exactly one year after the divorce came through and the court-ordered CMS ended), he was paying CM regularly, albeit under what he should pay according to the CMS calculator but any time I pushed back on finances, he would threaten to pay himself nothing (he did actually do this for 3 months during the divorce!). In this time, I have worked extremely hard to increase my salary, bought my own home, raised two lovely young people. Life hasn't been easy, but the children don't go without and we have managed a holiday every year - I am lucky family live abroad so we stay with them sometimes and every year we have been camping in England. Anyway, since the court ordered CMS ended, he has halved the amount he is paying and I can do nothing about it. On paper he isn't earning much as he has added his GF to his business and pays her instead of himself. I know I need to accept this but I am SO angry. I am coping financially but I have cut back on all things that made my life easier as single parent who works FT, such as a fortnightly cleaner so I am even more stressed and tired out than before, and it was already tough! And now, he has taken the children away on holiday - yes I am happy for them as he has never bothered with this before, but he has taken them to the same place I have done the past few years (the exact same place!) but has got the luxury accommodation and is throwing money around. Of course, I am being nothing but positive when the kids tell me about it but inside I am so angry. How can it be fair that someone can treat people so badly (he has been truly awful) and yet he gets a whole new family (they have a toddler together), gets to be Disney dad a few says a month and doesn't get to pay the legal minimum for his kids. Where is justice in all this?

JacquesHarlow · 13/08/2025 19:21

There is no justice. There never will be. Good luck with your life @Stressymadre .

JacquesHarlow · 13/08/2025 19:23

Apologies, I don't mean to sound detached or harsh.

It's just that there are so many fecking men playing this Disney dad role and it's awful, but until the CMS system cracks down on this bullshit then this will forever continue.

HUGE congrats and respect to you for raising such lovely children and for making a great life for yourself. You are the hero and believe me they KNOW this and will know this even more as they age.

cloudtreecarpet · 13/08/2025 19:32

There is no justice but he's an arsehole and you aren't & you can be grateful that you aren't married to him anymore.

One day in the future your kids will be adults and you won't have to have anything much to do with him. When you feel angry at him, imagine that time!

And, as a pp said, your children will see through his Disney Dad act & his shady efforts with supporting them and will do so more as they grow up.

Be proud of all you have achieved & be glad that you aren't so insecure in your children's love that you have to throw money at them.
You sound amazing!

MuckFusk · 13/08/2025 20:08

Anger when an injustice has been done to you is normal and unavoidable.
I don't know if my experience will help, but I'll give it a go.
I still get a flash of anger if I'm reminded of shitty people who did shitty things in the past, including my ex, who was a cheater and emotionally abusive. How I manage it is I don't think about it often. I accept that there's nothing I can do about it, so it isn't worth my mental and emotional energy. It's more difficult for you because the kids are constant reminders. Mine are grown so there is no child support.
However, one of my adult children is disabled, not severely, but enough that she needs help with a number of daily tasks, needs to be driven anywhere she needs to go, and can't live on her own, so she lives with me. She also suffers from depression, so I do all the emotional support. It got really bad over the winter and I had to have her hospitalized. The ex does almost nothing. He will text her on her birthday and there will be an occasional text to see how she's doing. Once or twice a year he might take her to an appointment. He visited her in the hospital, but has nothing to do with her medical care, nor does he show any interest in it. It's always me who talks to the doctors and helps her manage her meds. If she asks anything more of him he just tells her to get me to do it. It's unfair, but that's the way it is. You can't force somebody to do the right thing and an asshole will always be an asshole. I have found that if you stop hoping the asshole will change it's much easier on your emotions. It's just a stone cold fact that he sucks and always will. Now I'm at a place where I just laugh at his foolishness, selfishness and laziness.

I told you that story because I'm thinking that maybe when your kids are older and they aren't seeing him as much you can get to the place where you find your ex laughable too.
In the meantime it's going to be a hard slog, but maybe accepting the fact that your ex will always be a selfish bastard and not hoping for any better of him will help? I hope so.

Vaxtable · 13/08/2025 20:18

At some point your kids will realise that you are the better parents and actually he doesn’t care

Original poster

Stressymadre · 13/08/2025 20:23

Thanks everyone. I do hope so but I worry that I am tired and stressed and grumpy sometimes from trying to juggle too much, that that is what the kids will remember me for 🙁.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stressymadre · 13/08/2025 20:27

MuckFusk · 13/08/2025 20:08

Anger when an injustice has been done to you is normal and unavoidable.
I don't know if my experience will help, but I'll give it a go.
I still get a flash of anger if I'm reminded of shitty people who did shitty things in the past, including my ex, who was a cheater and emotionally abusive. How I manage it is I don't think about it often. I accept that there's nothing I can do about it, so it isn't worth my mental and emotional energy. It's more difficult for you because the kids are constant reminders. Mine are grown so there is no child support.
However, one of my adult children is disabled, not severely, but enough that she needs help with a number of daily tasks, needs to be driven anywhere she needs to go, and can't live on her own, so she lives with me. She also suffers from depression, so I do all the emotional support. It got really bad over the winter and I had to have her hospitalized. The ex does almost nothing. He will text her on her birthday and there will be an occasional text to see how she's doing. Once or twice a year he might take her to an appointment. He visited her in the hospital, but has nothing to do with her medical care, nor does he show any interest in it. It's always me who talks to the doctors and helps her manage her meds. If she asks anything more of him he just tells her to get me to do it. It's unfair, but that's the way it is. You can't force somebody to do the right thing and an asshole will always be an asshole. I have found that if you stop hoping the asshole will change it's much easier on your emotions. It's just a stone cold fact that he sucks and always will. Now I'm at a place where I just laugh at his foolishness, selfishness and laziness.

I told you that story because I'm thinking that maybe when your kids are older and they aren't seeing him as much you can get to the place where you find your ex laughable too.
In the meantime it's going to be a hard slog, but maybe accepting the fact that your ex will always be a selfish bastard and not hoping for any better of him will help? I hope so.

Thank you for sharing. You sound like an incredibly strong person and an amazing mum!

OP posts:

MuckFusk · 14/08/2025 04:12

Stressymadre · 13/08/2025 20:23

Thanks everyone. I do hope so but I worry that I am tired and stressed and grumpy sometimes from trying to juggle too much, that that is what the kids will remember me for 🙁.

Grumpiness is normal when you're stressed. The kids have eyes and can see that you're doing it all. They'll remember who raised them, who gave them emotional support, cared for them when they were sick, etcetera and it certainly wasn't their twat of a father. Typical Disney Dad.
You're doing great. You're obviously a lovely person and a loving, responsible parent.

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 14/08/2025 07:36

My exh was a total bastard in so many ways and I hated him for years but a long hate is very tiring. Gradually it changed to indifference and that's so much healthier for me. You are still having to deal with him so hate is acceptable in your situation. I wish you indifference. It'll come eventually.

Original poster

Stressymadre · 14/08/2025 10:26

MuckFusk · 14/08/2025 04:12

Grumpiness is normal when you're stressed. The kids have eyes and can see that you're doing it all. They'll remember who raised them, who gave them emotional support, cared for them when they were sick, etcetera and it certainly wasn't their twat of a father. Typical Disney Dad.
You're doing great. You're obviously a lovely person and a loving, responsible parent.

Show quote history

I do understand but they don't quite understand why I can't work fewer hours like their dad and also why I can't earn as much as him - they're still youngish (10 and 14). They don't also get how much harder it is being a one adult household, versus their dad's place where there are 2 adults not only sharing costs but also chores etc. I just hope you're right though and as adults they look back and understand and forgive me for being tried and stressed a lot!

OP posts:

Thelnebriati · 14/08/2025 10:47

Your kids are reaching the age where they can begin to understand adult issues such as the cost of living, choices and compromise.
I'm not saying dump it all on them, but you can start expecting them to do chores, and understand chores are part of family life because we don't expect one person to carry the entire load.
They can understand basic budgeting, and if money is spent on item A its not also available for item B.

curious79 · 14/08/2025 19:14

You've done the right thing - to try and earn as much money as possible and get on your own two feet as clearly he uses money to try and control. What an absolute ba5tard - I dealt with one like him too. In time my DD came to see what an absolute w@nker he was (I never spoke badly about him). She always loved him though but then he moved his attempts to control and direct onto her and their relationship fell apart

Try not to take stress out on them. My one regret is I was stressed and therefore couldn't be as chill and present etc as I should have been. The good thing is once the kids are of a certain age you never have to have any contact with him again.