Overbearing future in-laws

[Sunflower8092]

I am getting married in 3 weeks, my OH is perfect, a great fiance and father to our little boy. I couldn't ask for a better partner, he is very supportive of me in all aspects of life, and a loving, hands on father. We have been together 5 and a half years.

The problem is his family, they are so overbearing to the point I'm losing sleep over it. The past few days I'm just nervous to tolerate this for the rest of my life.

They all are so lovely and would do anything for us, the problem is they are just SO overbearing and full on. They all speak over each other and I can't get a word in, the volume in the room just gets louder and louder to the point I have to get up and leave.

They live a short flight away from us, so when they visit it's very full on for a few days, i.e. they can't just pop round for an hour or two.

First thing in the morning when baby wakes they will come running down the hallway to our bedroom asking if we need help. I know they are just being nice but I don't want them seeing me when I'm still lying in bed just woken up. This is an invasion of privacy in my opinion but they don't see it like this. In their mind they just want to help.

They all want to help out with our son. It's lovely to have so many willing babysitters but they can't ALL babysit at the same time. So it leaves me stressed deciding who gets to babysit, ultimately leaving someone upset, who then doesn't understand why someone else is looking after him.

MIL also questions everything I do, not in a malicious way, just because she is curious I think. For example, making food for my son, sterilising bottles etc, she will ask why I'm doing it like this and not like that, then I will explain. She also wants to help out which is great, so if I ask her to do something she will then follow with loads of questions "how do I do this" "where does this go" "is this correct" "should I do it like this instead" I know she means well but it's just exhausting. It's easier just doing things on my own.

I have spoke about this with OH many times, he brings it up with them nicely so as not to hurt their feelings. Things improve slightly for a while, but they always revert back to their old ways and when OH brings it up they say it's because "they mean well" and "it's just the way they are"

They have even said that they know they are too much and too full on, but nothing ever seems to change.

I understand I can't change them and I would never expect them to change who they are. I just wish they would realise I'm not like them and be a bit more understanding that I'm not as full on as them and I need a bit of space from time to time.

I don't really know the point of this post tbh, just having a few pre-wedding jitters 🥴

They could be a lot worse!
It's hard when you get involved with a person and acquire a bunch of relatives that you haven't chosen, but it's equally hard for them too. They are having to adjust to you as you are to them. You are all bound by love for your fiance and your child, so if they are nice, caring people, then you all have to do your best to accommodate each other. There are ways to manage them - limit how long they stay, get a lock for your bedroom if they are the barging in types. But partly this comes from love and a desire to help. It's exacerbated by them not living close so it's all very intense when they do visit.

You could have ultra critical in-laws, or ones who undermine you to your child, or try to come and stay for months at a time.

I think yours is a problem which will resolve with time and is largely born out of excitement and keenness to help.

Thank god they’re not round the corner! Is it their first grandchild? If so, I kind of understand why they ask endless questions. You can shut them down gently, but I’d put a hard stop to the running every time the baby wakes up, particularly if he’s allowed to cry a little without you leaping up to grab him. I’d make that a big thing, tell them straight that they absolutely cannot run into your room etc. That’s really invasive!

Jesus. Lock on the bedroom door for a start!

It's lovely that they want to be involved with you and your baby and they do sound well meaning. I'm afraid my family are like this too and I know my DH, who is from a much more reserved family, found them a bit full on at first. He has got used to them over the 35 years we've been together and appreciates how much they love him! But I have had to intervene at times and put boundaries in place so they don't take over!

You and DH need to agree what you want to allow and what you don't - for example you need to tell them that they cannot just come in your bedroom, that is an invasion of your privacy! If they come to stay, it's your house, your rules so don't be afraid to speak up.

Honestly OP, they sound like lovely people. You could so easily have the opposite problem. There might come a time when you are really grateful for their caring ways. They obviously like you very much and love their grandson, which is worth its weight in gold. It's only natural for MIL to have her own opinion about how to feed/look after baby, but she doesn't sound as though she's nasty about it. There isn't a lot you can do really without offending them, which would be an awful shame. The one thing I would say though is that your bedroom is "out of bounds". They really shouldn't just be walking in on you like that. How often do they stay if they live a plane flight away? I'm assuming it isn't that often?

Can't they stay somewhere else.

Sounds like a cultural differences issue. Whats overbearing to you is likely very normal family behaviour for them.

you will need to compromise without making your partner choose or making him change them for you.

how much are you willing to accept? I’d do a mindset reset and choose battles

Well, lock the bedroom door for a start. Most of that just sounds like over-enthusiastic visitors they don't get to be around your child often, so every moment is special to them. Also, they're not psychic, they don't know your way of doing things, or where things go, so they ask that's normal for visitors, whether they're helping you sterilise bottles, bath the baby or unload the dishwasher. And you're clearly on the particular side, so they're afraid of getting it wrong. But I think you're unreasonable to expect actual substantial help from people who are only visiting for a few days, and who don't know where things go etc.

Honestly... they really sound like pretty nice and fairly normal in-laws. They're not criticising you and they don't actually sound 'overbearing' at all. They're loud and talkative and obviously a lot more outgoing and sociable than you are, but they're not trying to dictate the way you do things. I can see why you find them exhausting but to be honest, I don't think there's much your OH can really do because they're not doing anything wrong - apart from the one thing about coming to your room in the mornings. He can hardly say 'Can you all stop talking to each other in the way that you usually talk, because my fiancee doesn't like a lot of chat', can he?

I think you're right and it's just nerves! Your DH and his family sound lovely. At least your MIL is asking you so she knows what you want! Honestly take that over being told you're doing things wrong. I'm sure once she's seen you a few times and asked all her questions, you'll suddenly be able to lean on her for help.