To not really be enjoying motherhood?

[Hellskitchen24]

Is it wrong to admit that I’m not enjoying motherhood at all? I’m over 3 months in and it’s been the hardest time of my life. Don’t get me wrong, I love my daughter, but I’ve never been so exhausted by the monotony of it.

My daughter doesn’t sleep. She’s up every 1-2 hours all night. She’s breast fed and I have to feed her back off to sleep. I’ve not slept for more than 2 hours in a row since I had her 12 weeks ago. Everyone said it would get better with sleeping etc after 12 weeks but it’s actually got worse. She refuses to take bottles (I have a whole cupboard of different brands and teets) of either formula or expressed milk, so there is no let up for me with the breast feeding. I have tried SO hard to get her to take a bottle but I’ve given up now.

Things I have tried to get her to sleep better: co sleeping (makes her behave worse), taking her to bed earlier or later (no different), swaddling (hated it). She’s in a next to me crib, not too hot or too cold, has white noise on. She is wide awake from 5am every day so that is when my day starts.

Then day times are just spent with her fussing and trying to get her to nap, which she battles tooth and nail. When she finally goes down (for about an hour if I’m lucky, often 30-40 minutes) that’s my time to do things around the house. Then she’s up and the cycle repeats again. I’m so tired. I’m having to take painkillers daily now as having to carry and rock her all day is killing my back. She will sit in her chair or play gym for short periods then it’s back to fussing, where she doesn’t want to be held, doesn’t want to lay down, doesn’t want to sit up and then just starts screaming.

My day is literally spent dealing her crying or trying to get her to sleep. I don’t do anything other than sit on the sofa and feed her when she’s not fussing. I feel like I’ve completely lost any sense of who I was before her, like I’m a shell of myself. I took her out to meet a friend a week ago and honestly the stress of getting her out in the car with 20 million accessories and dealing with her fussing wasn’t worth it.

I’m a sole parent so there is no partner involved. I have friends and family but they are scattered about and none help beyond popping in to see us briefly for an hour. I don’t know what they could do anyway as she’s breast fed. Also it doesn’t help that everyone I know who’s had babies have had them sleeping through the night really quickly. I don’t know what the point of this post is.

Please OP don’t panic, 3 months is nothing (I know it feels like forever at the time) especially as a single parent. It definitely gets better! And I think the feeling of having completely lost any sense of your identity and who you are as a person amid new motherhood is almost universal, it’s all a shock to the system and a huge life change but you will figure out your “new self” as time goes on.

I always wanted a baby but looking back I found the baby stage the hardest of all, and by the time my son was 18 months and up it was completely different (but there is an improvement from 6-9 months too once they’re weaned!) He’s been an absolute delight since age 3 (other than some stress over GCSEs and A-levels- he’s now 18!)

You need to get more practical support so you get a bit more of a break and some more sleep from the sounds of it. Check if you have Homestart near you maybe? Also consider if you might have postnatal depression, it’s very common and can be hard to recognise when you are so exhausted and busy with a baby. Maybe speak to your GP? Also consider if mixed feeding or switching to bottle feeding would help at all? If you have support that then allows someone else to do the odd feed etc. At 3 months he’s already had amazing benefits from you breastfeeding to this point and in a “First World” country, I genuinely don’t believe there is a huge difference for baby between bottle and breast in the long term (I’m a GP by the way) but it can make a huge difference to the mother’s mental health which is also very important not only for you but also baby. It all needs to be balanced up. A fed baby and mother not completely frazzled is best!

Babies are torturers. Sleep deprivation.
Do this >
don't spend ages trying to get her to nap - stick her in the pram/pushchair/buggy and get out and walk in the fresh air every day

Any neighbours you can go chat to with baby in pushchair for change of scene?

Does your baby take a dummy OP? I used to be vehemently opposed to dummies and then I became a massive convert and realised they were the best invention ever.

Omg no wonder you aren't enjoying motherhood, your situation is more stressful than average. It sounds like you have a very fussy baby and it's hard enough doing it with a partner let alone on your own!

It will get better, I promise, you are only 3 months in, they do get less fussy and a bit more predictable.

Can you get out to any playgroups? you may be able to speak to other mums, it can make you feel less alone knowing that other people are finding it hard too.

Also, have you tried a baby carrier, may just be a little easier on your back.

9 months is when I felt babies became more manageable.

DD was the same. I also recommend walking them to sleep in the buggy and fresh air. DD and I walked miles every day and if she feel asleep I charged home and went to sleep too. Housework can wait, if babies going to cry anyway, it makes no difference if she does it while you load the washing machine.
3 to 4 months was the worst though, and everyone else has delightful easy babies it seemed. Be kind to yourself.

YANBU. Have you considered a sleep and feeding consultant?

I hear you OP, your baby sounds like my DD2 who is 10 months and if she had been my first probably would have been an only child!! I love her to bits but it’s so hard when they are clingy and whingy all the time!!! My DH works shifts so I do a lot of solo parenting, it’s one of the hardest things ever so I get it.

Will she nap in a pram? What stopped me going totally insane in the early months was going out for walks, then when I got back home I put that rockit thing on which kept her asleep for a bit. You need to try and shut out the people who seem to be doing “better”, comparison is the thief of joy when it comes to children. I guarantee you they aren’t sleeping as well as they claim!

It seems really hard now but I promise it gets easier. You aren’t alone, just do what you need to do to get through each day.

Its awful. It gets better. Turning point for us was 11 months. Just do whatever you can to get through it, lower your expectations and trust that it will all keep changing.

I posted on here desperate at 3 months, very very similar to you. Everyone told me it was normal. To be fair, according the mum group I attended, it was entirely normal. People like to gush over the newborn period but it is exceptionally hard.

I was hallucinating from.sleep deprivation regularly until around 4 months. Around 5 months you can do some sleep training for your sanity.

Look up some statistics on sleep. Vast majority of babies are not sleeping through the night at 3 months. Waking every 2 hours is typical.

My advice is to get out the house. As much as possible.

I HATED ten months old. It was one of my low points. But it didn't last long.

YANBU. Everything you're feeling is normal and totally valid.

It will be ok, OP. It gets easier, I promise you💐

My two are 11 and 7 now but I still remember the relentlessness of the baby stage very well. I loved them but I didn't really enjoy it, it was somehow boring and stressful in equal measure and I definitely had moments of thinking "why did I do this to myself?" Once they were weaned it got easier, and then they become little people and the relationship feels much more reciprocal and rewarding. They're a lot of fun now. Mine both have SEN so some days are still challenging but it's still infinitely easier and more enjoyable than when they were babies. It's easy to lose yourself in Motherhood when they're little, but the good news is you can get yourself back! I have the time and energy to put into my catesr, hobbies and socialising again now. As they say, "the days are long, but the years are short".

Sleep isn't linear, remember that. You'll get some good periods, some regressions when teething, but by and large by 1 they sleep through the night.

The sleep deprivation is exceptionally hard in the first year.

I do know 2 women whose babies slept through the night consistently from 4 months. I can't imagine how amazing their experience of motherhood must be. I actually distanced myself from them. But they are very very much the exception.

It sounds very normal.
It took me to 14 months before I bonded with my little one. But the first 3-4 months were the hardest, 8 to 16 weeks being the absolute worst. At 3 months they decided would see every hour of the day and night.
Now almost 2 and we are finally down to 2-3 wake ups a night. Still EBF direct from the source.
It DOES get easier, and it DOES get more rewarding
But it is still hard and I still have weeks of exhaustion when sleep goes to pot again.

Best advice I can give is just lean into those sleepy evenings now the nights are getting earlier. I used to go to bed with little one (we co-sleep) and sleep as much as I could between 6pm and 8am. Now bedtime has crept to 10pm most nights but I go to sleep at 8pm probably a couple of nights a week, just to catch up and those extra couple of hours make a lot of difference.

I don't understand how anyone would believe they'll enjoy the first few months, it is exhausting, if it was easy maternity leave wouldn't exist.

The good news is you're halfway through the difficult unsettling time, there is better times ahead.

It is very normal to feel disheartened.

My first was a dream, I was still a headless chicken, second was horrendous, both are fantastic now.

It gets so much better, I promise you! I didn’t really enjoy the newborn stage either and personally felt completely out of my depth but as they grow and become more independent and interactive, it’s so much more engaging. You’re in the trenches right now and it feels like it won’t end but it will and does, take care of yourself as best you can and know that’s it’s all worth it.

In my experience, everyone my age just told me how wonderful motherhood will be, how they miss the newborn stage when they just sleep, how maternity leave was the best time of their life. My mother, grandmother and other older relatives were the only one who told me it would be very difficult and I dismissed them as being too negative and maybe things have changed.

I don't know what it is about women in their mid 30s that makes them so stupidly competitive and positive to the point of being toxic, but here we are.

My favourite one was a colleague who, as part of a conversation about travelling with baby, told me how she left the baby with her MIL at 5 months to go on a 3 day hen do and it was perfectly doable. Two years later I was moaning about something on the topic and she confesses that 6 hours into said hen do, her MIL called her home as baby was inconsolable, she spent £400 on a taxi (hen do was 2 hours away in a different city) in the middle of the night to get back and she didn't manage to go back to the rest of the hen do.

Women lie. There is something about motherhood that we all feel should be wonderful and magical and if we don't find it that way, it's our fault.

Sorry you’re feeling like this. I read vitamin D can really help a baby sleep so try vitamin drops. Also, try to get out of the house during the day if you can so she can breathe air and see natural light. Important for their rhythms. Everything will get better honestly.

Firstly - you are completely valid in not enjoying this! Long term sleep deprivation is beyond brutal. I couldn’t have loved my little one more but I remember around 3 months googling if I could die of exhaustion because I was also only getting 1-2 hour stints and was broken. This was made worse by having 3 months as a marker in my head as when sleep would get better and it just didn’t. No one will understand what a bad sleeper is unlike unless they’ve had one. How long they sleeps will gradually increase and although you won’t know how you did it, you will have survived. Some people even go on to do it again it gets so much better!

Things I did to save a little sanity - a really good sling. Antipope meant I could go for long walks with her til she slept. Being outside made me feel better and she got a nap in. The only sling I found that I could take the weight without hurting. (Look on eBay! I didn’t have a pram so this was my investment)

I got a tv in the bedroom so when up all night feeding I could watch some tv. Helped me stay awake and gave me something to ‘enjoy’ about being awake so much.

Contact nap in the day. She had longer a longer sleep = I got more rest. Not the same as sleep but it helped take the edge off the exhaustion.

Sending love and solidarity. It’s insanely hard but I promise it will get better xxx

I’ve been in your shoes.

1. Book yourself a private, women’s health / pelvic specialist / post natal specialist physio appointment. It will probably be the best baby money you ever spend.
2. Next time you get a minute, get a going out bag packed. Make it a hold-all if that’s easier. 3 changes of baby clothes. 1 spare top and spare pants for you. £30 cash. Two packets of wipes. 4 Muslins. A bottle of water. 6 nappies and nappy bags. Something to sit on (changing mat lovely, bin bag fine).

Once that’s done, you’ve got freedom. Get out with you, child and that and you’ve got the minimum sorted.

Extra tip - get some headphones and start pushing the pram for naps. Listen to my dad wrote a porno, or Parenting Hell podcast. Go back to about 2022 when they’ve got babies.

Excellent post, very true.

I didn't make the connection, my neighbour was very upset with her 4 month old, said it wasn't the maternity leave that she had hoped for, when I reassured her that it never is, its hard going. I saw the relief on her face.

Women need to be honest. It's the toughest time mentally and physically, the unconditional love helps you survive the lack of sleep and space.

Hang on in there OP. Sit in your joggers, eat good food, sleep when you can. In 6 months time you'll be ready to rock, plus your baby will be babbling and smiling, priceless.

Totally normal. You are in the hardest phase. Don’t be afraid to switch to formula if you need/want to and sleep train gently from 6 months if you need to. Doing it alone must be very tough! If you’re still struggling in a few months see your GP and don’t rule out PND.

I promise you - it gets easier! Try to leave the house each day and look for free mother and baby groups at churches and libraries so you can socialise.

I loved my babies and was overjoyed when they were born but I did not love the baby period. My oldest was the kind of sleeper yours is for the first year and it was so so hard - waking up when I’d creep into the kitchen and start to open the fridge to get something to eat. I felt like I was almost going mad from sleep deprivation. After a year things got easier and toddlerhood was wonderful - with three-hour naps! There’s hope, believe me.
I know people say it and it makes you roll your eyes but please sleep when your baby sleeps. Do the absolute minimum you need to now around the house. She may also sleep better with you next to her. It’s very difficult not to get time to yourself but sleep is the most important.
Have a look online and see if there are mother and baby groups in your area. Churches often have them and libraries. I found getting out once a day to a group or to the park, library (walkable if possible so you both get fresh air and don’t have to faff with car seats), seeing other people and sharing stories with other mums was a lifeline.
Don’t put pressure on yourself to enjoy it now, and ignore those who think because their baby sleeps through the night or naps for more than 20 mins at a time they’re doing everything right. They’re just lucky!
i remember the feeling of losing yourself. It’s an enormous life change even without sleep deprivation but in time you develop a new sense of self and identity. However, if you feel seriously down then go and see your doctor ❤️

It is truly awful the newborn stage, especially when you have little support, and the baby is a poor sleeper. I felt like I’d been sold a terrible lie about motherhood.

White noise helped my baby sleep, and getting out for walks with the pram.

Take Care

I was a lone parent and mine had really bad colic. The crying was relentless. I wouldn’t describe the first 3 months as enjoyable at all but loved my baby just as you do yours. Hang tight you are nearly turning a corner to the next stage

I'd ask the GP for prescription formula.
My 2nd had a sensitive tummy, colic, reflux, never settled, walking in circles rocking him worked, not sustainable.
I nearly lost my mind.
Turned out later to be sensory issues.
A vibrating chair, although frowned upon worked as he got a bit older.
Velcro babies. 🩷